Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Anyone like me?

Marriage is such a complex relationship. And the relationship between the partners is always different. In some ways I can relate. My husband is a loner and kind of cold, not a talker. Other than pecks hello and goodbye, we don't kiss much. But he has a good appetite for sex and keeps me satisfied there. So the rest of it, I don't care about.

There is a sex-starved marriage board on this website. Maybe some of the people there could give you advice on keeping love alive with a low-desire (LD) husband.

You are doing the right things in keeping the focus on your marriage and cutting other men out. Retrouvaille will teach you tools to get closer with your husband, and draw out his emotions. It will be hard until you get there. Just keep working on building your house. You cannot build it up with a crowbar or a wrecking ball. So just keep at it by slowly building, one nail at a time.

WDID, I, um, think that your my wife. JK.

Everything, with very few exceptions, sounds like what my wife has either said to me or has shown by her actions. She is just not at the place of wanting to try, yet. I know that she is completly torn inside, but just can't seem to help herself. She tells me what a good person I am, that I deserve better than her and I have a feeling that she has expressed this to OM, also. She told me once that OM told her that she will probabley end up back with me. Why would he tell her that? All the things that you written here is the same as my wife. Nearly verbatim (sp). I heard but I did not listen. And yes, it took this for me to come around. I am very interested to see how you do. I can tell you struggle with yourself. Things are easier said than done. It is an addiction.

Who was initiating you divorce? You or your spouse. What was it that finally made you come to the conclusion of wanting to try again?

WHATDIDIDO,

I am having problems understanding your desires for your marriage. You state over and over that you want to save it and have received some very useful advice, but your actions speak differently. Getting rid of the cell phone is as easy as breaking it in your hands. Getting rid of the computer stuff is as easy as deleting the programs and files. It should have taken no more than 5 minutes to do both. There was no need to check the message from the OM and if you are afraid of his action...get a restraining order. But alas it appears from your post that you have not done any of this. Then you start to post about your WANTS and NEEDS. Sorry, but to save your marriage...the changes start with you. Your husband as been there for three years as you dragged him through the mud and destroyed your family unit..and you want him to change. My opinion is you showed feel lucky to have a friend that has been there through all that. Stop looking at everything negatively about him and focus on the positives, and start with most people would not have done this for you. Forget about the new relationship energy you are craving from the other men because they are just predators who have no concern for you, your children, or your family. See them for what the are and forget about them.

If you want to work on your marriage you need to start with your husbands trust bank. The trust bank builds within everybody to help them develop trust and open up emotionally with the depositors into the bank. Sadly it takes a lot of deposits to make up for one withdrawal (such as a very heated argument)and I am sure your husbands bank is overdrawn when it comes to your behavior. You know what will help build up his bank and that has to happen before you are going to really get what you want. It is now time to make up for the pain you have caused him.

Forget the past because that is what it is..learn from it but don't live in it...today is the first day of the rest of your life..make it worth it.

Why doesn't everybody on the board stop referring to you as whatdidIdo since this is a negative thought and start using the WDID acronym such as it can actually stand for Wife Did save her marriage...success is all in the mindset

We can maybe learn from each other then, hopeful4her.

I want to try, I want us to be happy, but it's like it "isn't there". THe Om told her that she would end up back with you because he knows she wants to be back with you. I WANT to be back with my H too...soooo badly, but it feels fake. From what people say on here, I need to make sure not to contact the OM in any way and give it time and we will be happy, but I am not sure that is what will happen. I'm very skeptical and I'm going through withdrawals of the "love feelings" I finally found with someone that I never felt with H. I'm going to trust that we cam do this because I want to and I don't want to lose my "family".

I initiated "talk" of divorce because we were just not happy and nothing changed. I want to try again because I think I may be happier with another man right now, but I think I would constantly be sad when I don't see my child every day. So, it's a "lose lose" situation, I might as well try for my marriage. I also believe that my H is a good man, so if we can just "fix" what's missing then everything will be great.

Lostforwords,

I see your point with the "getting rid of the cell" etc. THe whole time on here, I've known I need to do that, but have not been able to follow through. For me, just not responding was a HUGE step...remember, I fell in love with this man and he fell in love with me and...maybe not being in my shoes makes it hard for you to understand.

If you read the last post I made you will see my desire for marriage and maybe you can understand why my actions are having a hard time showing it. I was worried about the OM because I want to shelter my child from this...restraining order or not if I hadn't stopped it the way I did, my child would have been affected. Now, he will not. It is over. He will not call.

OF course I have wants and needs...I Am human.....I haven't had my wants or needs met for 13 years...there is a lot of anger. I realize the changes will have to start with me. I guess I was needing support in the fact that I am going to be making these changes with feelings of fakeness and anger and hope when I feel it is hopeless.

I do feel lucky we didn't divorce, but don't get this wrong...he was not WITH me through all this. He went to work, came to the house played with son, and went to his house every day for about 3 years. He was not WITH me. We were like ships passing in the wind.

I am trying to be positive and having you tell me to start with today is helpful encouragement. I do need to see the positives in him and go from there. Just believe me when I say that I have been in extreme pain for the past years of marriage and this is NOT easy.

I also understand the trust bank. I have hurt him. He has hurt me, too. I need him to fill up my bank as well. He has been emotionally absent from me for YEARS and I stayed with him.

I'm trying to be positive here, but I am in pain and the anger is coming out.

I have learned that WS want to rewrite the history of thier marriages. It could not have all been bad. As it was written before on here, when you fall for someone, it was a choice. We may not believe this, but it is true. It is the feeling of falling in love that you are in love with. And yes, it may feel fake right now, but it takes time. Guilt, anger, resentment as well as the feeling of being "in love" are all strong emotions. If you consider your self a spiritual person, don't forget how God see's what has happened. Sometimes, He does not want to be happy. Sometimes we have to endure suffering. Not that He wants this to be ongoing, but sometimes we suffer. It is our cross to bear.

On the subject of your son, was it made clear to you that you had no shot at keeping him or was it just an assumption or both of you going back and forth on custody? Curious.

Before I go, I'd be interested in hearing more about your H. What you feel are the good things in him and what he has done. We heard about the things he didn't do. Tell us about his good side.

I'd really like you to read my sitch and get feedback from you. Beware, though, my posts can get long winded.

Your sitch fascinates me because, as I said, you sound exactly like my wife. I feel as if I were talking to her.

Didi,

Do not despair when you try to fix your marriage by yourself and it doesn't work. I couldn't fix mine by myself, or with marriage counselors, either. I was like you once.

I remember reading that Dr. Phil said that we needed to ask our spouses for what we want. So I had a talk with my husband and I said, " I want to feel loved." And he said, "OK". (I can't even recall what he said he wanted, isn't that sad?) And then everything about our lives stayed the same. He didn't pay any more attention to me, he still came home from work, walked into the bedroom and watched tv all night. So that didn't work.

But Retrouvaille changed us and it changed our relationship. It wasn't counseling. It was just an eye-opening experience where we spent 48 hours opening up to each other. And since then, 15 months ago, everything has been much better. We learned to do 180's. We had no physical closeness except sex. So he had the idea to kiss me goodbye each morning. I didn't know what he was doing that first morning when he came over to my side of the bed. But just that one change was huge! So I initated kissing him hello when he comes in at night. Before he didn't even say hello. That's not as big a deal, but it's still a nice thing. These little nice things make a difference.

I know that my relationship is not the same as your relationship. But I hope that I can give you a sense of hope. Because it can get better, better than you think, if you stick with it.

I was thinking last night that it has been such a short time that you have left OM, that you are still going through withdrawls. Also, not only do you need to educate yourself by reading as many books as possible, your spouse does too. As I have told my WW, you have to learn as much as you can from reading, researching and listening to others of good counsel. She is just not at that point yet. She doesn't want to find out how wrong she is.

hopeful, maybe you are right in wanting to rewrite the history of our marriage. H and I talked about that before...but we really do have a hard time remembering when we laughed together EVER. Very early on I think we were ok, but I don't ever remember the "in love" phase being the way it was with the OM. But, I do remember being with other "bad" guys before H and feeling so good I found a "good" guy. He was everything I was looking for.

I do think I am addicted to the feeling of being "in love". I'm going through major withdrawals. This new drug being reintroduced, H, is not "cutting it" and I have to realize that he never will because he is not a drug he is my H.

I am a spiritual person, and you are right God has a plan, and right now I have to suffer.

As for my son, there is no way I would try for full custody of my son. It is not fair to my son nor is it fair to my H. H is a good father and his son needs a father equally as much as he needs a mother. My son would be unhappy being without both of us. I know a divorce could go in my favor. I would get alimony if I wanted, I could probably get my son more time than H, I would get child support, heck, my H would probably give me the house (he said once if I'm not happy then my son would not be happy either and he would do anything for his son). We would never screw each other over. Soooooo....that's why I need to make this work with H....I can't go without my child fulltime....I would die inside.

Ok, I will read your sitch today or tomorrow and give you feedback. I appreciate hearing what you say because it sounds like we could learn from one another. You asked about my H. The good things about him: honest, loyal, hard-working/good work ethic, unselfish in many ways, good father, good back rubber :), would do anything I asked of him (housework, errands, etc.) with no complaining, physically fit, smart with technical stuff.

Sara, once again I wish that retrovaille came before July. That seems so far away. WHen everything I've tried hasn't worked, it really makes you feel like it is impossible. You make me have hope that maybe that is not true. We need that roadmap you are talking about to at least TRY and give it time to see if things will change. I am willing to do anything to make this work, but I don't want to be in something just to "make it work". You know what I mean? I want to be sincerely happy and I want H to be sincerely happy, too. I'm putting my eggs in this retrouvaille basket and am praying for good things to come.

Ok, just got your new message, hopeful. It is a VERY short time leaving OM and that is why this is hard probably. I need to give it time. I'm really trying. I have to get over the "worst of it". I am reading the divorce busting book. He wants to read it next. I also got the divorce remedy book. DO you have others to recommend? If you could have your wife read any book what would it be? Any recommendations for my H? I do need more people of good counsel to talk to. You and the rest of the people on here have been the first people of "good counsel" that I have talked to in years.