A good exercise to go back and review...and for you, it is a way to feel good about how far you've come. And if you are okay with that place, then all is well.
I feel things spinning away from me with increasing speed (I'm not spinning, but H is starting to take some very definite action toward OW and S/D...), so i can't say the same, I'm afraid...
That is pretty neat to see the snapshot of where things were--in your own journalled words--and compared to now. The thing that stands out most to me is the stuff that is so hard to concretely identify...like the sense of a touch of warmth, or a softness in her look toward you (even if only for a brief moment). Somehow I think these intangible things are very significant. And wow, you are doing a great job of not getting wound into it all with expectations, but you are not dismissing it either. That's a good balance to strike. I hope to be able to get to that kind of space someday.
Keep posting! I'm interested in what happens next.
I knew W was not well so I sent her a text yesterday just asking " how are you today " . Ends up she had stayed home from work and was appreciative of my message. Later I get a Txt asking if I could drop D off to her , which I did later on. I stayed for coffee and when I left W said see you tommorrow ok . Now this is tommorrow and there is no need to see W at all so we will see what happens.
She likes this contact with me but I feel I am giving her the message that I will hang on for her and that while things are this way she is in as little bit of a comfort zone.
So I will not initiate any contact today or tommorrow .
Feeling quite lost at present. W was at home for dinner Sat night and stayed and watched a movie gave me a hug and kiss as she left, seemed quite happy to be at home. Sunday she came over to pick up D early in the afternoon and was very distant , she borrowed my car , I invited her for dinner again and she happily accepted but stayed distant. This is very much our usual weekend.
I dont know if this is doing us a lot of good, Seems very comfortable for W . She gets to spend time as family like nothing has happened and live her own life when it suits. I however do all the work in maintaining the family , feeding , washing clothes etc, and she walks in and out at will. I guess I am feeling that I am being taken advantage of . Our sitch is not improving and I am getting impatient.
I have been feeling good over the last couple of days. I am blessed to have my Kids around me and feel sorry for W as she is missing out on the last couple of years the boys will be at home. They spend no real time with her these days. I am getting to have that time with them and I am making the most of it and the shared time with D as well.
I have not contacted W at all but did see her today , she was here picking up D . She got me some stuff I needed which was real good of her and was very " non alien " . I kept to small talk , it was nice and relaxed , unlike the last time she was here where it was tense.
So I will send her a quick text later which will be short but sweet.
I know she likes them and it will be rewarding the good.
Other than that I probably will not see her for 3 days or so until D comes home.
Oh and like mm I am getting called pet names again ??
I can relate to many parts of what you are sharing in your story here. No pet names for me, but some references to inside "jokes" that are along similar lines. This is really difficult to figure out where the boundaries are. The part of noticing how it can be comfortable for the WAS is really true. The struggle--for me anyway--is in trying to ascertain what it means: is it just as far as it will go? Is it a foundation for something more? How to explain the pet names thing...I suppose it can only reflect some confused or ambivalent feelings.
How do you feel about the pet names thing? What do you make of it?
I think, when unusual things happen in our sitches (like suddenly using pet names or signing an email with "love" or "xoxo"), we have to see if there is something that has just happened in the WAS' life to prompt it. If we can make such a connection, we can use it again to see if it's real or just wishful thinking.
For instance, on Sunday, my wife called me about something trivial, and happened to mention that she had been listening to our "summer" playlist on her iPod. She told me she heard 2 Neil Diamond songs that made her think of me, and she felt melancholy about it.
Later that day, she sent me an email where she started with "Hey Mink" and ended with the pet name I always called her. The email was the most well-structured, lighthearted and happy email I had gotten from her in ages.
I think there was a connection between the two.
This has happened on a few other occasions as well.
So, when I see her on Saturday, you can bet Neil will play at some point during the day
