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[quote=GoingForward times!

I'm curious - What was H barking about?[/quote]

He was complaining about the phone not working, and wanted to know why....im in charge of everything dontcha know.

thanks for stopping by goingforward..he is strange in the fact that most people don't speak for awhiile after they fight.. he turns it on and off like a switch.

karen- thanks for coming over.. actually i Always yell back (or at least set him straight) but when the kids are around I just remain calm and let him rant like a looney toon.No point in letting the kids see both of us like that. We both have firey personalities, so yes I have a temper too, but im better at controlling it than him.

Hi jak... thanks.. there is no way I can get family involved.. if I ever told them anything that was going on they would never speak to him and there would be no going back. It would cause way too much trouble for me if anything.

Ultimatums don't work on him, this would just cause more tension. and really where the heck would I go. Im just going to have to bide my time. I ve to get him alone, really alone and have a good long talk with him, a honest one and let him know exactly what I am feeling, weather he wants to hear it or not.

Until then I will remain distant, but here for my kids and that's all I can do. Talking about it helps me, more than you know.

I think if you yell back, he will continue to yell, at least that is my experience. But if you say something like your yelling at me is inappropriate or disrespectful or whatever, you need to stop, & in a calm manner then that may work better or at least it has for me. Then if he doesn't stop (which has happened to me) I would suggest leaving the room. I assume when I leave the room H stops ranting in front of my kids like he has done in the past! I don't think it is good for the kids to see us yelling at each other or H yelling at me (and being abusive) so that method has worked for me anyway. Karen

Thanks karen, I have done that, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. I will remember to do it more often.

Thanks.

Hi, tal.



Oh you bet I know!

These are my H's thoughts (I know because he talked, sometimes yelled, to me about it), and I wouldn't be surprised if your H shares some of the same:

My H's first and foremost responsibility is to provide for his family. If he's not doing that, then he feels that he is failing miserably, and yes, he stresses out BIG time.

What will add to that stress is if anything in the house isn't up to par or if something isn't functioning properly. Since I am the SAHM, it is MY responsibility to see that everything that has to do with the house, including our children, are in order and good to go.

My H works his butt off so that I can be afforded the luxury of being a SAHM.....Luxury......Doesn't always feel that way, I know , but we should remember that our H's responsibilities aren't always as simple either. Being the sole breadwinner has got to be quite a load to carry. That's why I got a part-time job. It's not very much, but it does help a little in some ways. I get to be out of the house and away from the kids and H twice a week for a few hours, the little bit of extra income is always helpful, and I know that my H really appreciates it.

I read over this current thread of yours and you said you used to work before. Have you thought about finding something again? Even something that might just be part-time? I think it would be great for you to be able to get out of the house on your own from time to time, and I would think that the extra income could only be a good thing.

Anyway, back to the phone thing. Perhaps if there's something around the house that needs attention, try to get to it before H does. Seeing that things in the house are being taken care of might make him feel better. It might make him feel that you DO care. This is also something that my H said to me.

Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman? If so, what are H's LLs? Could one be AOS? Possibly WOA, too? Just curious - I know you would like to hear it from him, but when was the last time YOU told your H that you appreciated HIM and all that he does, how hard he works to see that you and the boys are taken care of?

What are your LLs?



You and I are alike in that way! I used to be the one to hold on to grudges while my H would be the one to quickly forgive and forget. While I was still stewing, even hours later, my H would come home and act as if nothing ever happened. Then when he would see that I was still mad, that's when he'd get p*ssed all over again.

As hard as it is, tal, flip the switch yourself. Do the 180 and let it go. Act as if you're over the stupid fight (like one over a phone ) and carry on cheerfully, upbeat, and smiling.

BTW, I'm not making light of your sitch by the phone comment. Believe me! My H and I fought over a friggin' alarm clock and a stupid fan one night! LOL

Curious about another thing - I'm nosey, I guess - What have you done lately to GAL? What have you done for YOURSELF? Is family available to help out with the boys when you need alone time? You have to be able to take care of you, too, you know. Don't neglect yourself.

I also agree with what Karen said about speaking up for yourself, especially when your H gets into one of his shouting fits.



This is really good. However, change it to an "I" statement. For instance, "I feel that all of this yelling is highly inappropriate and disrespectful to the both of us, and I really believe it needs to stop. I will be willing to calmly discuss what is bothering you when you have cooled down and we can both communicate with each other as rational adults."

If he won't stop after you've stated your peace, then yes. Go to another room. Leave the house if you have to. I have before, and my H frequently got the message.

If he's yelling in front of the boys, I would immediately and calmly tell him, "They really do not need nor do they deserve to hear their parents arguing like this. Let's calm down and talk later," or something to that effect.

Ok, I gotta go to work! Sorry about the long post! Hope something in here helps.

(((((((Tal)))))))

Tal,

I am so sorry your H is being such an *ss. In the pit of my depression I know I was this way with my W, sad to say, and I know she was the same way with me. Please don't do what I did. W would grill me and prod me and push on me for reasons I never understood at the time. In response I would be passively aggressive, become quiet and silent, which made her even more persistent and angry. Finally after her fury had risen to a level that became too much for me to handle, I would blow up and make a huge display.

Karen is right. What we should do when someone acts this way towards us is to not let all this pressure they put on us build up. Instead we should calmly and peacefully tell them that they are crossing a firm boundary you expect them to respect. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate his crossing the boundaries you have set, just as he should expect you to observe his boundaries.

((((((HUGS)))))))) tal - I am following along.

This is so true. TAL, I believe your H isn't going anywhere, that is why these issues you want to tackle with him can wait. Until you both have time and energy to work on it. No need to go through the days angry and hurt, but I am sure you both are. I am thinking of you!

IMHO, waiting isn't going to get anyone results.

Tal, sometimes we all need a little push, sometimes even a shove, in the right direction. I was in a terrible funk with my H for the past two - three weeks, because I was stubbornly choosing to wait it out. I wasn't going to tackle any issues for him until he changed a little for me. Very wrong of me to feel that way.

Many times we get tired, frustrated, and angry about our sitches that we often paint ourselves as victims - we're doing nothing wrong, it's all H/W's fault.....Nope, sorry. It goes both ways, and we all need to remember that we are only getting one side of the story here. I'm sure our S's POV would differ a lot from our own. I've had a few other DBers point that out to me on my own thread. Very wise, they are, and it was indeed the wake-up call that I needed.

As I stated in one of my posts on my thread, something's got to change, and since I am the one who came here for help, then it is on me to get the ball rolling.

So that is what I'm also saying to you, tal. Stand up, dust yourself off, and get the ball rolling.

If you can give a little, you just might get a little back in return.

(((((((Tal)))))))

Thank you all , your wonderful


GF - Wow that was some post... I'll try and answer everything you asked...

As far as finding something part time that would be difficult. I don't have anyone to watch my kids. It may be something I could do in the fall when my 5 yr. old goes to kindergarten, but not no now. Anyways, my time is spent working for the business.

I haven't read that book, I should order it though. I will today.
Yes actuallly I do tell him I appreciate all he does, but the comment doesn't get returned.

Yes it is hard to just forget quickly, as he does. I've gotten better in the past, but all I look for from him when he gets that was is an apology, which I also don't get and that's what makes me crazy.

no, I don't do anything for myself right now.Its hard because my H works a lot and I don't really have anyone to watch them so im stuck. The only thing I do get to do is watch my tv show on Wed. nights.. that's about it. My H doesn't get to do anything for himself either, so we are in the same boat there.

Thanks for the post, it does help!!

Lwb, thanks for coming by... always great to see you..

Nocodes-- I know you understand and I will try and not let it
get to that point.

Saffie - Miss you, ya know. You and my are both Leos.. let me ask what the heck is with the attention thing?? maybe you can answer this for me.

Ok Journaling...

He came home late last night, so no time to talk, S2 was asleep, but S5 was still awake, so I wasn't going to get into a heavy conversation with him at 930 at night, plus he was stuck inside an attic all day spraying, he was really tired.

Had a nice morning.. went smoothly, he actually held me for awhile this moring, which was nice for a change, but of course led to "other things"

This wkend he has a show to do, so he will be pre-occupied with that. But Im hoping maybe sometime this wkend we can get a couple hours alone.

thank you for all of your support...

Perhaps the better question to ask is what have you done to SHOW your H that you appreciate him?

There's a BIG difference between saying it and actually showing it. You know as they say.....Actions really do speak louder than words.

Does H do anything for you to show you the same?



I didn't always get the actual words "I'm sorry" either, but my H usually did things for me after an argument. I believe they're called "truce triggers". I didn't hear what I wanted to hear from him, but I learned to accept the next best thing.

Have you noticed anything similar with your H? Perhaps the "other things" that occurred in the morning with H were his way of showing he was sorry....

Anyhow, glad to hear the day started off nicely for you!