Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Tough Love through a Letter-Advice needed

I'm afraid my H would read that and say, "cool, I thought she'd never get there....LOL!!" That's their mindset....

It's definately to the point...It would get my attention but I'm not in MLC either...wish I was sometimes...might make this easier..

Treese

I sent the letter, almost verbatim, from the book. I think it was as much for me as it was for her. I will say that I do not agree with some of the book. I do not believe that being "tough" with someone in MLC (if that is what it is) is necessarily the right route, especially in my situation. If I told her, its me or the OP, she would probably never consider a relationship with me again. For some, I think it is a good direction to take because I have seen too many cake eaters. My wife does not appear to be a cake eater. She is either all in or all out. Right now, she is all out but I wonder if she is considering what she left.

Again, Dobson's letter, was good for me and my wife, in that she needed the door of the cage opened. She took it and I think it was the best thing I could have done followed by loving her from a distance and unconditionally.

My prayers are with you.

mmf

Tipper your letter sounds very confused.


What do you hope to achieve by sending it?

Nutty

GREAT question Nutty.

I, for one would NOT SEND THAT LETTER.

That letter would send me running away as fast as I could.

Tipper,

Your H has returned home twice. In my mind that shows confusion but it also says home is where he wants to be.

If you send that letter.....you almost saying he's a piece of shiit and no need to bother even attempting to come home. You don't like him, your disgusted and done.

I think that all of it may be true except for the done part.

Don't send the letter. Just sit back and be patient. No grasping at straws. It will not work.

Hugs,

Jeanette

That letter is laden with guilt.

It is full of accusations.

A lot of passive aggresive wording.

Telling him that he lied in front of God is not a good idea.

Edit - also self righteous.

Writing this letter was probably very helpful.

Now burn it.

I have read Dobsons book....and have read your letter.

I agree that the letter can be "dangerous" however the idea is that we are saying..."you are free....." if you really can say it then say it..but it seems as though the wording you have used is a "blame it on you.." kinda thing.

If you do something like that I would strongly suggest rewriting it many many many times...or JUST DO what it is that you are saying without sending the letter. BY SETTING HIM FREE. What does that mean? It means letting go---- and letting him go through this garbage....and SETTING boundaries for YOURSELF.

What works for YOU? What makes you be able to live in peace? Ask yourself those questions BEFORE you do anything.. ALSO another rule that i have learned is wait at least 72 hours before you do anything..

Thanks all,

I can see another side of the coin now that i have read your responses to me.

I know that nothing I do while he is in a MLC is gonna change his behavior or feelings towards me. I guess When I read Dobsons book, it just made so much sense that I have been a door mat for too long and just let him come and go as he pleases.

The day I wrote the letter, I felt a sense of power come back to me like I would end up having more self respect due to sending it. I knew enough to wait on it though and really think it over. Now when I even think about sending it, I feel like I am in a state of panic because I beleive it could end up terminating our M.

I think my H is basically not wanting to answer to anyone or anything at this time in his life and wants absolutely no committments to anything or anyone either. Therefore, it would definitely open the cage door for him, but I think he would just be happy about that.

After processing all of your posts to me, I realize that I should probably not send it at all. It is a very shocking and powerful letter that could end up deteriorating my M. However, I do feel like if I ever have the chace to work things out with him ever again, the points made in it need to somehow be spoken and shared so that this type of thing doesnt happen again.

I think I will take a different route from here. I feel like I should just act this way more and more when I am around him and speak little tid bits of it when he brings up any Relationship/Divorce talk.

In this last year I have allready told him many times that I do not approve of him going to see this stripper at the strip clubs and being in the local bars every night of his life. I have set boundaries on his drunken texts that he sends me also. Every time I set another boundary he goes running. So I guess sending a letter like this one would only make him run farther.

I feel like we are just growing apart so much and I am desperate to try and stop that from happening. Also, as I mentioned he will be able to file for a no fault divorce at the end of this June. I think I am so afraid he is going to go through with it even though he has not said much about it. I havent seen my H in over two months and I havent talked to him on the phone other than simple texting back and forth about business. It is scaring me, it is like he is going dark on me right now.

I think I am very confused and I want to do something but I dont know what. Right now I am going to wait and think about this some more. THank you all so much for your advise and for helping me to remember that when a spouse is in a MLC, there is nothing we can do that will get them through their journey any faster.
Thanks,
TIPPER

I have to say, I wish I had friends like you when I "thought" my marriage was great! If I did, it may have not prevented my Ws supposed MLC or her leaving but I would have known that I showed her the kind of love I should have shown her all along.