Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Finding DB late in the game #4

I wish she'd helpfully clean the house! But instead it's really weird things, like the garbage can or coffee pot and the like. I know I'm biased, but it's more like judgmental cleaning than helpful cleaning. Clean that sink! Vacuum that floor! Scrub that toilet! Just don't take all the things off of the bookshelf, dust it and then rearrange them to your liking. That's not helpful. Neither is rearranging my kitchen cabinets. (First I think it's rude, second, she's taller than me. I'm quite short and can only reach the front of the second shelf. There's a reason why all the lower shelves are jam packed.)

BREATHE

I'm at the apartment now and while it was quite sad and weird to leave tonight, I'm thankful for it. The kids each threw a bit of a fit today around MIL. My heart aches for them each time they act out, but in ways I'm glad that they are doing it around my MIL so she can see the affect it's having on the kids. While she is supportive of me, her advice to my H is to "do what you need to do to be happy. kids are resilient." She's welcome to still think that, but I do want her to see her kids faces and look into their eyes when they say, "Mom, I don't want to stop hugging you. I am not going to let you go. You don't go to the apartment. You stay here."

Didn't think of mentioning this earlier, though I should have. One of the issues my husband and I have is my MIL. Things have gotten better over the past couple of years, but during the first few years of our marriage, my MIL was pretty much the only thing we fought about. During counseling last fall, and this was probably the only good thing that came out from it, my H admitted that early on he would choose to upset me vs. choosing to upset his Mom. In their weird relationship, he would always do whatever he could to smooth the waters for her.

My MIL doesn't really know what the word boundaries means. Not just with me, with my H or anything emotional, but really lacks a lot of social skills. Like "offering" to be best man in our wedding. Who "offers" to be in somebody's wedding? That's something that you get invited to. Anyway, my H just got back from a business trip to Edmonton, Canada and was wearing an Edmonton Oilers hat at dinner tonight that he received as a gift. (180 for me, I didn't point out that even at the casual place at which we were eating, a hat at the table is not polite, though I did tell my son to take off his hat.) My MIL was admiring it. "Wow, what a great hat. Do you have another one?" Completely leading my H on to telling her that yes, he did have another one. The client gave him two. She said that his little brother would really like it as he collects hats and that he should sent it to him. H responds that he doesn't even know where his little brother lives. MIL says to give it to her and she'll give it to little bro. It's an NHL hat and I'm a hockey fan. H knows that. I was wondering if I'd get a crack at the hat! So H says, "Well, that would be OK if CW68 doesn't want it, but I think she might want it." MIL's face fell. Not because it was me, I don't think, but because H didn't just bow to her. I said that I wanted to try it on and if it didn't fit, I'd gladly pass on the hockey hat to my bro-in-law. MIL says, "Hockey? I thought the Oilers were baseball?" which just shows me that I sooooo deserve that hat. Non-hockey fans be darned. This gals from the Detroit area? How can she NOT know hockey?

It's a little thing in the big picture of life, but a nice 180 for my H to pull. yay

That was very thoughtful and considerate of your H. Good for him for standing up for himself and for you!

Hang in there.

She'll be gone soon.

And you're right, you totally deserve that hat!

That was great!

I have trouble imagining teams in Columbus and Nashville, but Edmonton? Yeah, I know the Oilers! Geeeze!

CW...hang in there! How long is her visit? My mom is like her in so many ways but especially the boundaries issue.

Hockey! I looove hockey. You should get that hat! BIL might not even like hockey! Spent my teenage years freezing my butt off at outdoor rinks watching my boyfriend play. Go Canadiens!!

qq

Jen

No no no. Go Blackhawks! I grew up with a bunch of kids whose Dads played for the 'Hawks. Both of the Esposito brothers lived in my town and I saw Stan Makita often, his regular drug store was the one at which I worked. Then I went to school in Madison Wisconsin and got bit hard by the college hockey bug.

This morning was the first morning when I haven't been out of town that I haven't seen my kids off to school. I am crying. Got to talk to my daughter, but son was "busy" eating. I heard my MIL in the background saying that he had to eat, that he didn't have time to talk. They didn't have to leave for a half-hour, he didn't have to bring a lunch to school and it doesn't take THAT long to get him ready. Made me sad. I don't think she was trying to keep him from me or anything like that, but good god can someone think of me a little here? Maybe I'd really, really, really like to talk to him? Does anyone here notice that I'm sad and missing my kids? Or is everyone just focused on the kids and my poor little unhappy mini-mlc, mini-cheating husband and how f-ed up he is? Can I get a little light over here please?

It just kills me that I'm going to miss so much of my kids lives against my own will! That is the single biggest issue I have with whole situation. It is so not fair. For me or for them. How many vacations am I going to miss? Like the first time my son snorkled, will those future first be with me? or their Dad? Whose going to be there when they loose a tooth? I have to stop this. Going to the gym now to work out some issues.

Gosh darn it GO CANADIENS!!!



I know how you meant this but it made me smile just the same. Sums mine up too.

CW I know how you feel. D is leaving tomorrow morning for a week with H and his Sister. It'll be the longest I have ever gone without seeing her. I wouldn't mind it so much if it was just Miami but they're going to Disney and Seaworld!!! I always thought that was a trip I'd be there for too.

I think the best we can do is concentrate on other things to keep our minds off such experiences. Be positive though ok? Think good thoughts. it's good that you can go to the gym for a while.

Jen

I hope you have a good workout and it takes your minds off things for a little while.

I don't know what to say except that we notice you are sad and miss your kids and we are always here for you. Hell, if I wasn't at at work with no car (since I take public transit) I could be there in 45 minutes to tell them off for you.

No matter what happens with your M, they will always be your kids. And you and H will always be their parents. You will get to be there for a lot.

And ideally, your H will get beat by reality and want to work things out and you won't miss a thing.

Keep your eye on your goals and don't let the doubts get to you.

Thanks y'all, you're the BEST support I could ask for!

Little journaling...

H brought up doing something together Sunday. As you know, he mentioned doing something together while his Mom was here and she could watch the kids. My plan was not to say anything and see if he actually followed through. He did. He asked if I could come over tomorrow night to stay with the kids so that he and his Mom could go out and then we could do something after yoga Sunday morning. (He said he'd do yoga with me then.) I said sure. While we were out running an errand, Las Vegas came up in conversation. I remembered what a great trip we had there for our 5th anniversary. H went gambling twice this week, it's been a loooong time since I've played blackjack and I mentioned that maybe we could go to a local casino Sunday while his Mom was watching the kids. He said, "I've spent enough this week on gambling, I'll watch you play." And he was sincere about it. I replied maybe, but maybe he'd enjoy doing something more interactive for him. I liked that he would do that for me.

I'm a little sad right now. Didn't get to see my kids off to school this morning, but did get to spend some time with my son this afternoon. My daughter got out of school and they planned a bike ride on the trails. (H didn't ask if MIL could ride my brand-new expensive bike. I hope she doesn't ruin it at all. Seriously. She's not exactly respectful of other people's things.) I was a little sad because all I got to do is say Hi and hug her. Won't see her until tomorrow afternoon. I mentioned to my H that I wish he wouldn't have waited until I went off to work so I could spend a bit of time with her, it would have put them maybe 20 behind. I don't care if this was good dbing or not, I miss my kids.

My MIL and I had a good talk this morning. I was telling her how unfair I thought this whole thing was, that against my will I don't get to spend time with my kids. She told me it WAS unfair and that this whole situation is unfair and not right. She's commented on how it's affecting the kids and yesterday even said that "good Dads don't leave their kids." This seems to be a big change from her "you have to make yourself happy" view of earlier. She seemed irritated that her son won't do anything to work on us, didn't know that he was in IC. I'm very level-headed with her and just sharing. She's good for that in all honesty.

Gotta run to work. see y'all