Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Piecing...Ostriching...Salvaging.. I don't know...

Hi All,

I am confident enough in my sitch to post over here now. It sure is a lot better than where I was! In many ways, it feels great to be here, in other ways, I am still experiencing many negative (e.g., hurt, confusing, anger) thoughts and emotions.

So my summary is as follows:
Me: Was controlling husband consumed with work, academics, and my own self-interests.
W: Was super-wife and super-mom. Stay at home mom. Always did everything around the house and was quite concerned with my happiness as well as our children's happiness.
Sitch: She starts EA on the Internet. Falls in love with some scum-bag. Displays some really inapporpriate behavior for this scum-bag. Planned on flying up to see him (she bought tickets, hotel room, etc.) but he dumped her! Then she looses her mind, starts drinking, smoking, partying and pretty much ingores me and our two children. She asks me to move out and wants a D, and I did move out for a short time. She goes through a number of men (confirmed PA - but she still never admits to it). Then she wants to go to MC (we did) but she is still seeing this other scum-bag. I finally put an end to one scum-bag guy and the other one just sort of folds on his own accord (what with a bit of encouragement from me).
Present: She is back to super-mom. She does not go out anymore and barely drinks at home. We get along well for the most part. She just wants to "forget" the last 8 months and even made me agree to pay $20 if I ever bring it up. I don't try to control her at all. I did a lot of IC and learned to identify this trait and, while not entirely extinguished, nullify it.

So now my questions:
1) When we ML, she makes it real obvious she is not into it much and it comes accross as a pain in her butt. This to the point where I am not intersted much. Is this common? I thought we were going to have hyper-bonding sex? I want in on that!
2) Why does this seem like such a hollow victory? In reading though the forums, it appears that this is a common sentiment.
3) Why is my distrust, anger, resentment, and frustration all coming back? I am trying so hard to supress this. I thought I forgave her?
4) Is just supressing the last 10 months really a good strategy? I always imagined us sitting down and talking through the entire thing. Or perhaps going to MC again, or just having coffee and talking about what got us where we were and what is going to work for the future. I know these are expectations and I have learned to have few of them with her, but it just makes sense to try to learn from the past.
5) Why do I have so many nagging doubts about the success of DB? I know I shouldn't becuase I have came so far (back from the brink of D), but honestly, I am doubting my own resolve as much as hers.
6) Why does she appear to still not care about me? I know she went through that entire selfish phase, but isn't she supposed to be out of it now? Or is it me, and I being too self-centered. I am trying hard to show concern, love, affection (almost too much where she thinks I am being to clingy (a 180 for me) and needs me to quit pawing her). I even learned her hobby so that I can help her and have fun!

Well, that is my whole 10 month saga in a nutshell.

Best,
--Chris

Chris,

I think all you are feeling is absolutely normal. One spends so long trying to repair the M and not lose it, that when you get that wish, you then start looking forwards again and realise what another big 'job' you have ahead of you. Also that initial panic has started to subside slightly, the balance of power in the R is shifting again, and you start to be in a situation when the resentment and hurt can come to the forefront of your mind.

I know that on many an occasion I have considerd being a WAW; partly because of being overwhelmed by all the hurt, partly because I want my H to KNOW what it feels like to be on the receiving end, and partly because the size of the task of keeping it all together daunts me on a low day.

I grieve for the exclusivity we had in out R before the A. I hurt from the betrayal and the thought that my H shared secrets and innermost thoughts with this OW. I hate that my H has made me feel this mean and twisted inside and that his actions have turned me into someone who can no longer take others so easily at face value and no longer feel trust the same way I did. I dislike that it has affected my social life and the way I interact with our friends. I feel I lost just SO much.

However, I know that I want this M and that my children will be better off with their parents married and interacting well.

Chris, are you going for C at all? I found that that really helped me move forward from this very negative stage. I still get down periods and periods of resentment, but my therapist has taught me coping strategies. At one stage I was very close to destroying what I had repaired because I was so engulfed in negative feelings. Know that what you are feeling is normal and you WILL get through it.

I am glad you are getting a chance to find out.

Chris,
1. You're going to have to accept for now where your sex life is at. The general wisdom on this forum, is to work on the friendship first, and then emotional and physical intimacy will naturally follow. Your W is communicating something to you with her sexual distance. Don't force the issue.

2. It's hollow because of your expectations. You thought that if you did X then you would have Y. You're disappointed and frustrated.

3. Mistrust, anger, resentment and frustration are coming back you say. Use this forum to journal and process what's going on there. Suppression is not the answer; that never works. Awareness, acceptance, and transformation are the path.

4. She will process the M with you when she's ready--not on your timeframe.

5. You have doubts about DB because you expected a certain outcome in a certain timeframe. You're frustrated because your M is still imperfect.

6.I'd like to think your W still cares about you, but is immersed in her own unhappiness. Continue to be kind to her, but watch those expectations.

CL

Hi Chris,

Welcome to piecing, I've been here since Feb and it's a lot quieter than the newcomers section, but being here shows that you have come a long way in your sitch.

I managed to catch the tailend of your thread in newcomers and when reading it I though I could just replace the name "PhD_ChrisD" with "Lanzo" and that would be my story. I've now just read your opening post in this section and you echo my feelings exactly. I have the same questions as you in my head with the exception on question 1 where my W has returned bringing a heightened appetite for sex courtesy of OM, and believe me that sucks just as bad as your W's lack of enthusiasm. (but hey at least we're getting some).

This week I made the mistake of suggesting to W that we still had issues to discuss and resolve, and that made her go semi alien on me and she was ready to head for the hills. In her mind she has moved from the A, doesn't even think about it, and wants us to move forward as if it never happened (WTF then about the last 12 months of hell). In fact my Db'ing and "acting as if" has been so good that W thought I was well past all of this.

I do well in the main putting it behind me, but then W will say or do something and I'll think something negative like, "you gave up the right to bawl me out when you started screwing around" but then I just have to let it drop again. I guess Chris you and I are looking for some kind of remorse, contrition or maybe even an apology from W but apparently we won't be getting it in the time frame we want (if ever). So we just have to move on, smile, grin a bear it, and piece together as best we can.

I just pray for us that time is the great healer everyone says it will be.

PS: I just read about your $20 penalty if you ever mention the A, hey if that was my sitch I'm sure I would be glad to spend the occasional few bucks just to get things out of my system.

Lanzo

Took me a year of post A reconciliation before a real meaningful apology was given and it came right out of the blue when least expected......and it meant the world when it came. These things take time IMO - they need to get past the rawness of their shame and guilt and be sure the apology isn't going to be chucked back in their face.

Be patient.

Hi Saffie, All,

Well, it is good to hear that my thoughts and emotions are normal.

WRT, to C, I am not going now. I was going to a couple of seperate Cs. One I really liked and took my children as well as my W (a couple of times). I did IC for a while, and it helped with my control issues.

The other C was some crackpot who actually encouraged my W to stay out all night. W was tired of his hippie garbage and we both quit going.

Perhaps if I beging to be consumed or overwhelmed with my emotions, then it might be time to go again. For now, I am in wait and see mode. I think the board is better therapy than most Cing that I have received!

Best,
--Chris

Hi CL,

Thanks for the sagely advice. I do see the wisdom in your words.

You are correct about the expecations. One thing I have learned from DR and DB reading is to be patient. Patience is very difficult because of expectations. Loose the expectations and patience increases reciprically. This is easy to formulate, but difficult to implement!

Thanks again for the wisdom. I need to work on acceptance and patience.

Best,
--Chris

Hi Lanzo,

I am sorry to hear that you went through a lot of what I experienced with the WAW. In fact, I am sorry to anyone that has ever went through that eperience. The fact that I am here is nothing short of a miracle. There is no other explanation other that answered prayers and divine intervention.

I can see where heightened sexual appetite can suck just as bad knowing where it came from. However, given the two choices, I think you are getting the better end of the stick!

Thanks for the heads-up on the R talk. I think for now, I am just going to shut-up, be nice, and smile a lot. I am hoping that CL and the other good folks are right and things will happen in their own good time.

WRT to the $20, I have spent about $60 so far. On each of the three occasions, it was mean-spirited and not at all gratifying. In fact, I would have done better by spending the $60 on something nice for my W or the children.

Thanks again for the wisdom!

--Chris

Hi Saffie,

I am real glad you got an apology. I an only imagine how nice that must have felt. It sure would go a long way to appease my mistrust. That is an issue I need to work through (make me a better me) on my own.

Best of luck with the piecing!
--Chris

Chris,

Cognitive behavioural Therapy is very good at teaching one how to deal with the negative thoughts and how to let go of the things you can't actually do anything about. I would seriously recommend it - it was a life saver for me. At the very least try reading 'Learned Optimism' by Martin Seligman - he also wrote Authentic Happiness. The CBT really made a world of difference to me. Previous C or T had just gone over old issues - CBT teaches you how to cope with things as and when they arise. IT teaches you survival methods for the future.