Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Rob #9 - Don't Stop Believin'

: ) That sounded...asteistic.

But I'll take it the good way, thanks Rob.

Please do, that's how it was intended!

Actually I want to talk to another guy about piecing. No offense meant to any of my stronger gender friends out there.

Your wife did she have an A?

Sure thing, Jack!

Let's see, the 1000-words-or-less version, eh? Well, I haven't regurgitated all of that lately, probably worth doing so for my own good as well as for new friends. It doesn't pay to forget where we came from, does it?

We were married almost 20 years, and had drifted apart, became best friend/roommates with no passion in our lives. Activities centered a lot around our daughter, didn't have many friends.

Meanwhile, I was really bored with my job, had few friends or interests. W had been expressing frustration over this for a while, but (typical!) I didn't get it how serious this was.

W developed a nifty MLC and started communicating with a guy we had met on a biking vacation, who lived a couple of hours away. EA developed, eventually became PA. Naturally, I was great at ignoring the signs. She also started hanging out with a swinging divorcee friend from work. Both OM and new GF were pretty shallow, selfish people, BTW.

Six months before the bomb, I had also started back to school on an MBA, to try to get out of my professional and personal rut (this was regarded as "too little, too late" by W, but was good for me because I was already on the right path when the bomb exploded on me.)

When the bomb was dropped, I did all the wrong things - you know the drill. Took me about a month to find a good IC and to find DBing, and then I threw myself into GALing and PMAing with gusto.

Meanwhile, OM's nasty true colors showed and he dumped W. Then GF dumped her as well - was more interested in her frantic search for a new H than in being gal pals. The MLC hit rock bottom, as W considered herself trapped and friendless. I kept plugging away like a madman, making new friends and developing new interests of my own. At one point, had an interesting incident where I tried to step in and save the day for her like a knight on a white horse - it didn't actually work out, but it showed her a side of me that she had not seen before, so I believe it was still a "win".

The real turning point came about 6 months after the bomb. We had planned a Caribbean cruise for our 20th anniversary, New Years Eve 2006. During our sitch, I wrestled with what to do about that. W was planning her own Christmas-time vacation with OM originally, then switched to a trip with D after OM fell through. I drew a line in the sand in September, at a time when stuff was still very up in the air. Said that we already had paid a deposit, and so I was going to take D and go on the trip with or without W. Basically, this was my reward for a year of tough grad school and I wasn't getting gyped out of it just because W was having her MLC. Told her she could stay home alone, go see her judgmental parents and tell them about our sitch for Christmas, or come along with us on any terms she wanted - just friends, or more. And I really, really meant that (even though, of course, I wished she would come around by then). In the end, she decided to join us, and things were doing much better by the time of the cruise - even to the point of ML for the first time in a looooong time.

Our progress since then has been slow but steady. Got my MBA about a year ago. Continued GALing for the rest of 2007, largely with activities related to being the president of D's high school's music booster group. We have more couples that we see socially now, many who we met as as result of the boosters.

I keep working on stuff and try hard not to slip back into my old ways. The frantic pace I maintained at the height of the crisis isn't there, and sometimes that feels like a setback - but most of the time, I'm just glad, knowing that I could not have kept that up forever.

Currently, I am working (at a slow pace, I will admit) on getting back some of the passion. We've slipped back into ML only every month or so, which is not often enough! In fact, W "re-bombed" me several months ago by suddenly blurting out that she still wasn't where she wanted to be in the M. Scary stuff, but I handled it a h3ll of a lot better this time. She's not on her way out the door, thank goodness, and I am just remembering that there's always more to do.

One thing that I am finding very helpful lately is reading daily emails from the makeherhappy.com guy (thanks again for the pointer, saffie!) It's helping me see some areas where I need to improve in terms of being a more "manly man" instead of my natural tendency of "nice guy geek". I do think we will continue to "get there".

In fact, I just surprised W the other day, with a birthday present of a trip to Las Vegas in a few weeks. So, I do still have the "grand, unexpected gesture" in me from time to time!

Whew, I'm sure I left out some stuff, but I guess that covers most of it.

So, anyways, Jack - what did you wanna talk about?

Rob,
Thanks for posting that summary of your sitch. So it looks like you've been actively piecing since the beginning of 2007? Timeframes are very similar to mine, just offset a year earlier. I also took the time to get my MBA to improve my career options and myself.



My W re-bombed me also, but actually went to the extent of moving out of the house. The expectation is that we will continue working on the relationship. She says that she needs the time and distance to figure things out. I continue to GAL, but I've been struggling with how to proceed with my interactions with her. I'm not sure if it is better to let go and limit contact or try and foster more regular contact and invites to go out / come over.

Hi hff, Pleased to meet you. Actually, I would say I have been piecing since the beginning of 2006. (Wow!)
Well, your question got me to wondering, so I went digging in my old threads. I found this post, about the second bomb - and was shocked to discover that, holy cr@p, it has been almost a year since then! Time flies when you're having fun, eh?Which really has me pondering today, so where are we now? And what do I want to do about it? Gonna give that a little thought before my next post.

One other factor, which I should not discount. W's new job, where she has been very happy for the most part, has had a couple of small layoffs in the last month, including people who worked closely with her. So, now she is worrying about her job security a bit. I just need to keep in mind that stuff like that can cause ripples in our R, based on past experience.

Hey Rob;

Long time since I have been on..I have been so busy, working on my m and just got a new job...I went from a CNA to a sub teaching asstant for the mentally disabled. Love this job alot!

So you just have to let me know what you have been up too..I would read your threads...but that takes some time, and I dont want h to know I am on this board, I need something just for me.

I do have a question for ya.....I read up above about the second bomb...could you tell me how that happened with you? I am just in such a confussed state right now. I dont know what to think about my h, and our m. I do so want to believe him when he tells me that he loves me, but I feel like I was a rebound for him, and I have never heard about the LBS being a rebound and if it can work out...
I have always loved your input, so I cant wait to hear from you!
love
liz7

Rob,

Thanks.

Yeah a little worried that there might be a re-bomb...but heh. Honest, like you said I know the drill, more importantly, she knows I will not do this again.

Question. It is obvious that you have forgiven her, you couldn't do this without forgiveness. And so have I, I try and look only forward, but sometimes...well ok.

Last week or two weeks ago, I got rid of all the cards up my sleeve. All the emails all the proof of the affair that happened over 2 years ago...

I made the mistake of looking at it, skimming and reading, and got upset. Still bothered by it a little.

Now I have forgiven her, but the reminder...still hurts, has this happened to you. You foolishly look back? And get upset?

I look to the future and things are going AMAZINGLY well. Hell man we are even working on sexual issues...which well lets say that monumental with her.

I know in time.

My mistake was in skimming and reading those things. And not just throwing them out.

So btw are you really this peppy? Or is this as Ian says the board persona? : )

Errr the real question in my rambling was...do you get upset still about the past, I guess no matter why, does it happen to you? Even if it is just a flash a moment even though you and your wife are doing great.

Hi Liz, So glad to hear from you again! I see you have a new thread - will drop over then when I have a little more time for a decent reply...

Well, I've been thinking about this since my earlier post.

The bottom line for me is that I AM happy, and I am being the best "Rob" that I know how to be. I will keep learning and growing for my own well being.

As far as our relationship, I know that I really HAVE given it my best shot, and will always continue to do so, given the chance. I'll keep trying to find ways to improve things - planning our upcoming Las Vegas trip was a nice example of my improving in an area of our R where I knew that I needed to "step up" some more.

But I do recognize that there's only so much one person can do for a relationship. In the end, my wife will want to stay with me, or she won't. If she doesn't, my take is - that will be her loss. Walking away from the person that I am today would be a very different choice for her to make, as opposed to walking away from the person that she knew a couple of years ago.

Bottom line - the journey never ends. But then, I always have been pretty good at the ol' "Time and Patience" bit.
Aw, that is a tough one. Sure, I confess, I still have those old emails stashed away somewhere, and every now and then (very rarely) I will make the mistake of looking at them. Yes, it does hurt like h3ll when I do that.

OTOH, I'm not sure that I want to forgive and completely forget. Not because I want to throw that cr@p back in her face someday - there would be absolutely no point in that. But because I need the reminder of how far I let my side of the M go, how close to the edge we came. That reminder "keeps me honest" and helps motivate me to continue on the DBing/GALing path.

That "needing a reminder" deal is also one of the reasons I continue to hang out here at the boards. (The other reason, of course, is a desire to "pay back" some of the wonderful help and support that I received way back when.)
Ha, there's a question for you! I honestly can't say that anyone has EVER called me "peppy" before in real life!

I don't think it is that I "adopt" a board persona as much as that this way of communicating "masks" how I behave in person. I would describe myself as more quiet and introspective than how I come across here. My terrific witty responses are often the result of slow careful thought that you don't perceive.

One of my friends calls me a "conversational sniper." Other people will be bantering back and forth, a mile a minute, and I'll just be sitting and listening, processing. Then, at a convenient break in the discussion, I'll toss in that "just the right snappy thing to say" that no one was expecting.