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Better

I did not take any offence to what you said at all. I am who I am. I am ok with that. I hope in posting about myself the way I post about other people and their stitch goes to show I don't mean it to be hurtful or offend.

Cliffy

Thanks for the comment. I hope I make sense to most people. I am the post ender for some reason. Seems like every time I post it gets real quiet.

Christarn

Yes we are still living together. I think you read a little too much into the "I am the Man" thing. That is not something I would ever say outloud. Most people that know me would say I am really laid back and quiet. I am happy with myself and I know who I am. I was just never taught how to communicate/love when someone elses perception was different. We are all guilty of expecting someone to be a mind reader. I am trying to be as upbeat and positive as possible. I have done a reasonable job. I have concentrated on me, rebuilding my realtionships with my kids, and my family. GAL has been a bit more difficult as I have had to distance myself from my friends. My friends are telling me GTF out. They want me to leave and encourage me to do so. I find myself defending my actions. I am just not that good at making new friends being quiet and reserved does not help. What she fell in love with was the happy go lucky attitude I had. Issue was that turned into never getting concerned about anything (Her perception) I was concerned but a man does not show it. Hence distance. I find it really hard to be happy go lucky right now. I am working on it and it is getting better but I will be the first to admit I not there yet.

I thought I may throw in one of my first posts. I wrote this almost right after the bomb when I was living at Mom and Dads.

Everyone always says that there was a turning point in your marriage. My turning point was when my wife found the affection of another man. I was hurt, rejected, angry, sad any emotion I had it. We talked and talked about it and went over everything at least twice. I went from wanting to run away to wanting to stay. I told my wife that I forgave her but I did not. I say that because I still held her responsible for hurting me. I felt that she should have bent over backwards, done cheers, done everything in her power to make me feel better. Had I realized then what I know now we would not be here. I was the one who needed to change. She was standing right in front of me telling me that she needed me, all I could think about was the pain I had inside. She was telling me she wanted to feel wanted and valued. All I wanted was for her to do that for me. All we had to do was show one another that we still cared. Of course neither of us did this simple thing and work for a better life. We followed the familiar path. We waited for the other person to give us what we needed. We withdrew from each other as our needs were not met. We never told each other how we felt. We walked right down the path that said Dead End and we never saw the signs. People want to feel loved, needed, appreciated. It is at our core. No mater what we do in life that thought is always there driving us. I have realized now over the past couple of weeks that when bad things happen you need to step back and say "What did I do wrong in this situation". Once you have the answer work on that flaw, once you do the flaw you see in the other person will melt away.

Hey Forrest,

Your post was like a long stream-of-consciousness poem. I think I follow for the most part.

Why do your friends want nothing to do with you? What are you doing to find new friends?

You say you're happy with yourself. I'd be curious to know what your goals are. Is becoming your old, happy-go-lucky self the only one? This probably isn't the time to start telling your W what you need, but has she said anything to you about what she needs? Are you giving it to her? Sounds like the two of you being honest and clear about what you want would be a big step.

Take care.

I did not say my friends want nothing to do with me. Actually they can't wait till I get my own place so they can come to my house. I will likely have to kick them out. They call all the time wanting me to go out, meet other people. I am pulling away due to they want me "Out". They have all said if I was you I would be doing this... Lemme just say none of it says save the marriage.

I have told my wife what I need. She has told me she needs nothing right now.

I have done some things. They have been received well enough. I have done my best to give her space. That is what she says she needs. I have had a hard time with that because as soon as I give her "space" I get 10 million questions. She says she does not wanna lead me on or give me false hope alot.

I do things unintentionally she likes them. She thanks me says nice things. Then dosen't trust it or thinks its fake.

I have some goals actually about 2 college rule pages of them I will try and get them up ASAP.

Hey Forrest,

Sorry, when you said your friends want you to GTF out, I thought they were speaking directly to you about their space. Wow, I must be in a negative place. I'm glad you've got friends, though friends who don't understand are hard.

My very closest confidant started off trying to be supportive by talking really badly about my H, and it was so unhelpful. I finally asked her to support me by supporting my decisions about what to do, and to please vent to someone else. And she has, and I really appreciate it. Do you think something similar would work with your friends?

Questions from W when you give her space are good. She probably didn't expect you to give her the space she asked for, and she may be wondering what you're up to. I assume you're talking about questions about what you're doing when you give her space; am I right?

Take care.

Yes and to be honest questions that I resent and don't wanna answer.. Example...

Bomb dropped. Me emotional. I want and need a night away. I arrange babysitting. Babysitter was MIL. MIL calls wife before me. Wife calls and says "Whats going on"? I say I am going out. She says "Oh I did not know that my mom called me". I indicated I was going to let her know but MIL beat me to it. Next question becomes with who? I honestly at that point felt I had no obligation to tell her who. I said "I am just going out I don't feel I owe you an explination" That rolls into you are going out with another woman arent you. Which was followed by me hanging up.

In hindsight if I had just said I am going with X things would have been better.

Anytime I "back off" "Give Space" this is what I get. I have told her I could stand in the corner put my hands in my pockets. Jam my nose in the corner and she will still find something wrong with that.

But to answer your question with no fluff, Yes

Ok, I read your book (jk) and I have some ideas here. It's a lot like my own R. Believe it or not!

Are you insecure with your wifes appearance? I think my H is with me. And it drives him batty. What about you? You need to get over that if so, because she married YOU!

Secondly, NO MORE SNOOPING! It's just gonna tear you apart inside. I know because I have done it in the past and it is pure torture. You can't control what she does, you can only control what you do.

Ok, you know now what she needs and wants. Give it to her!

I know right now it might be difficult to do, but keep working on yourself and when you have the opportunity to be with her...don't miss your chance to shine.

When it's appropriate:

Write her short notes on a daily basis. You are caring and loving. She is constantly reminded of your love for her.

Do something for her that she doesn't like doing. Filling the car with gas ALL the time, doing all trash, maybe even laundry!

Schedule her a total spa package including highlights, massage and mani/pedi. If you can't afford this...offer to do the massage yourself!

If you really want to woo her, ask her to dinner and have a dozen roses waiting at the table! Shock her! She will be like melted butter if she is the gift type of person.

If you ever get to the point where you get to share a hotel room or something similiar, have flowers delivered before you arrive so they are waiting there for her. She will be floored!

I know easier said than done now, but I just wanted to get you thinking on the level of someone that likes the gifts (ME)

From reading your post, I truly feel there will come a time that you will be able to woo your W and soon. Don't miss your opportunity!

Holy [censored].. I reached out and touched someone. Where were you all my life. (Sarcasm Heavy on the last part).

I have massaged.

I have sprinkled rose petals all over the house.

Me and my son gave her Christmas in September

Just post on the other thread!!!!

Don't leave...I did that big mistake, on top of trying to fix the problems that already exist, you have the leaving part to deal with too...no fun! Sorry I read to much into "the man" thing! my bad!! I totally agree IMOE posts those ideas will totally hit it off with your W!

Christarn

I don't want to leave. If you read some of my other posts especially the one to littlebitlost you will see I have said the exact same thing to many WAS that have posted here.

Your problems don't go away when you go away. You actually make all of the old ones and all of the new ones worse.

Let me just say that I have done those things. What I have been told is that my timing was off. Or she did not want it now. Or to little to late. Again let me point out I am a slow learner. Stubborn comes to mind. The IMOE name confused me a bit I like Immy better.

It is really hard to be in the same house and not have your situation be right on top. It is nearly impossible to get away from it. The many things I have tried just never seem to do it. I don't want to be pushy or controlling but I also don't want to be gone all the time. I am working on the happy medium. Hopefully I will get there with my sanity intact.

You can read into my posts all you want. You see it the way you see it. I will point out if I think you are wrong. I value any and all input. If I did not I would not spend the time posting back. I am blunt but not mean. Let me give you something to think about.

Another random thought from Forrest Gump.

If you were walking down the street and some person said to you "Your Fat" you would likely respond in a manner that let that person understand you did not appreciate it. They would know their comment was not welcome. Within a certian time frame you would forget that person ever said it. If a friend or a spouse said the same thing you would likely hold it close and not respond at all. That comment now becomes a source of resentment. In most cases that would turn into some anger you may even fight about it. Which solution is better? Or if you have a solution that is better point it out.

I know you don't want to leave, and I did read that...I'm just saying, don't listen to your friends who are telling you GTF out...if I could turn back and not listen to everyone who was telling me to GTF out of my marriage, I wouldn't be here!! Sorry, I confused u!!! For bein a newby, you sure got your stuff together...great job!! I enjoy reading your posts!!!