Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy My story

We have kids the same age. My H is 'done' with the OW, but she was around them all summer long, spending time with them, and doing things for them. I always remained positive about OW to my girls (they were clueless, to them OW was just Miss OW, the mom of their friends).

What you said is fine, but I suppose I worry about them being torn between you and OM down the road. Gross, I know. OM doesn't deserve the wonderfulness (yes, that's my word lol) of your children. I pray your marriage works out, and that is why you are here, but you would never want your kids to feel guilty about a thing. Especially during something hard like this.

You are doing great, this is so hard rop. I know it.

I misspelled: I wanted to say FILL his void.

lwb - I thought a lot what to say, but at the end I concluded that this guy is pursuing a married woman - no good - and he is buying my kids with the main purpose to buy my wife - I am sure of that - he wants my wife and he HAS to be nice to the kids if he wants his plan to work - he is NOT nice to the kids because he "likes them". They are not his kids, and I don't think he is caring too much about them, at least right now. He is sneaky and my kids, also if very young, need to be weary.

rop, I know. Its so hard. OW in my sitch was such a predator. My H was her (at least) 3rd affair with a married man. Such bad news. H now admits what a bad parent she actually is, but back then, it was love and roses, and them living happily ever after with my 2 girls and her 2 girls (same age, same school, barf oh rama). She was B A D news, someone I would never want to influence my innocent ones. But...I could only stop so much. Could never 'prevent' it from happening, so I suppose I was set on making it as positive for the girls as possible.

Blecky to the OM in your sitch. What is wrong with people!!???

journaling.
Today, I spent the all day with my kids, W obviously spent the all day with OM - it has been VERY hard. In the afternoon the kids started fighting with each other and I got a bit overwhelmed, at one point I was just watching them fighting while big tears where coming out of my eyes, good thing I had big sunglasses. I thought what would WoNdErFuLMe do? So I said guys who wants to go on the carousel starts running after meeee. We all had few hours of relatively good mood. Anyway the all day I was thinking at W and OM - very damaging. I also got her car because I had to carry some stuff - and I looked in the GPS at the last destinations (I couldn't resist)- a Motel in SF (strange, the dude has a big house) and Carson City Nevada! I cannot figure out when she went there. Maybe she left in the morning and came back in the evening, I don't know. I hope they didn't get married there while divorce paper just started here.
My immagination is running wild. Anyway W is speaking with me the very minimum. She is very cold - I have been very cold too, but I hoped she was going to say something, it didn't happen. In the last few days a big wall of ice grew between us. Very sad.

ROP,

I am pretty new as well and you ahve some great posters on here - I have some of the same ones and they really make you think and reflect on what you are doing.

Every time I think of the OM in my sitc, I tried the stop sign, didn't work. I just keep telling myself he is scum, one of the lowest a##holes on earth. He is a leech and a blood sucker taking advantage of other emotions. My OM is married with kids - what a jerk. Believe it or not, that helps me. Although I still cry, still wonder everytime she is late (even though mine says she doesn't see him, but talks to him and still loves him)what is going on.

My heart goes out to you, I saw a great think on detachment and what it really means. You can find my name and check out the post if you want. That is helping me.

CBK, thank you very much. I think you are are right and I think is very difficult implement DBing without a good level of detachment. I am reading as much as possible on this forum, is my only "friend" in this. I am very lucky to have such a tool like DR, it gives me hope, and it is helping in improving R with W, something for me necessary because of the kids, even if we don't go back together.

Hi rop,

Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you're doing okay all things considered.

Carson City is a long drive from San Jose - why would someone drive there and back in a day? Strange.

I know how your imagination starts driving you crazy - you have to try and stop those thoughts or it WILL drive you crazy. Someone posted on my thread awhile ago about imagining a big stop sign. I think this is DR too. Anyway, it works. So does distracting yourself.

I would try to detach with love rather than being cold. Coldness just makes things worse whereas concentrating on yourself but keeping things pleasant with her shows her the positive person she's losing. It also allows you to take the high road no matter what happens.

lodo

Yesterday night I went to talk to W. I thought the ice wall wasn't very constructive. I was relaxed, I just said that I am sorry we cannot have some level of friendship. I think we could not be real friends, like we use to be, but some level of friendship would be useful because I hate to see the kids seeing that we don't talk to each other, anyway I am fine with whatever she decide, just that was my take. It came out she was upset with me for what I said to the kids about OM, the thing that OM wasn't nice to me. That OM actually is very scrupulous, he has a big integrity and didn't start the relation with her until she told him VERY clearly that she would NEVER go back with me and D was for sure. She knows the guy well from long time, she was never attracted by him, but when she was sure she wanted out of M and she wanted another relation to fill the void, she started looking around at her job, she said this was a necessary step to move on. She tried to send "clear" messages to another guy first (a single)she liked, but he wasn't very responsive, then she tried with this one (also single) and the "message" went through. Now she wants to try with this guy, she says he HAS to know the kids, also if in a "sensitive" way, because they are big part of her life and she wants to see if he is going to run away or not. I listened, I said I understand, but the kids keep talking about this guy and I think, for her own sake, is a bit too early to expose them to OM. From that point our conversation became friendly again, we joked a bit and it seemed like the old times. I said that she should know I am going to joke about all the flaws of this guy, and we laughed a bit about it and she said she could tell me some things I could make fun of, I made a bit fun about the fact that he is a bit old for her age, but I didn't want to know anything else.
She told she is not made of stone and it is hard to throw away 7 years of M, that OM got bothered that she was saying how good I am and he said "if he is so good why don't you go back with him?" Also if this words where said in between jokes I treasured them, maybe down in her mind there is room for some doubt.
At the and of the conversation I said that S has been good for me in some level, I didn't like the guy I became in this years and I used M as crutches for my problems and I couldn't walk by myself anymore. I am happy I am walking again and I feel very good about it, I am sorry of the price I had to pay to regain my independence but I am enjoying my new self. At times her eyes got wet a bit and I think she is seeing my changes and my resolution to keep the changes going, but I am sure she still think it is too little too late.

Sounds like ya'll had a good conversation. Strangely enough, my WW and I had a good time together. Even got her back to sleeping in our bed. She said that she didn't want to give me the wrong idea and I told her that she didn't. Nevertheless, still back in bed. I know that our sitch's weigh on their minds. That is what keeps on giving me hope.