It is hard to get back together with the same old man as before. New is exciting. Same old is, well, comfortable. I used to say that healing my marriage was like getting the same old husband as the prize in a cracker jack box. But that doesn't mean it's all bad. In fact, in the end, it was my choice, and he is what I want. But I had to look inside me and figure that out. Retrouvaille helped a lot with that. It helped me to see the man I fell in love with yikes! 30 years ago. Not the grumpy man I was living with, no, I saw the one with stars in his eyes and fire in his belly. And I fell in love all over again. This time I didn't love him for what might be, for the beautiful children we might have, for the business success he become. I realized that I loved him despite the dreams that didn't quite turn out the way I planned, and for the family that we do have, with the problems and the laughs and the obstacles we face. There isn't a perfect life out there. Everyone has trouble, and it does make us stronger. In a way, I do feel sorry for the women I meet who took it easy, and had it easy all their lives. Their lives seem so empty. I am proud of the challenges that we met head on, the way we rolled with the punches. Not always together, often pulling apart when things were really tough. But there is a dignity in our being together with all the battlescars of our lives together. And that is irreplaceable with someone else. My kids are all nearly grown now -- 24, 22 and 19. When we get together for a meal and laugh about their childhoods, I know that no one belongs at that table but the 5 of us. We are family. It's a different kind of love.
Ok, Puppy, I guess I knew I had to do those firewalling techniques, but I was truly making sure that I wasn't going to have repurcussions. I think you are right that it will help for me to not GET the messages at all. YOu know, as I am thinking about following through, I am realizind that you must be right that it is "b.s." because I'm having a hard time doing it. It must be my Plan B or I must like getting the messages or something.
I'm sure this is hard for those of you that had your spouse do to you what I did to mine...and then try to offer ME advice without wanting to berate me. But, I appreciate hearing from you. You are right, Sandycay, I should be more worried about my husband and how he would feel if he knew I heard a love message from the OM even though I didn't respond. I guess I was thinking how I was doing the right thing, and not responding but not thinking how he would feel about me hearing something from the OM. Ok, I am certain that I will get rid of the ways of him contacting me because I see how it is not good.
I appreciate your words, Jeff. My whole marriage I have dealt with my H's lack of emotion, We went to counseling, I told him what I needed over and over and he didn't DO anything. He said, honestly, he would NEVER had done anything if I hadn't had this affair. He said it is sad, but that is what it took for him to start being more than a robot. I will give this time. I want it to work. I want us to be happy. I will take your advice about making memories together and enjoying the differences. I'm so sorry you are in such pain yourself. My advice to you, without knowing your whole story is, if she is anything like me, she will be ready to reconcile when she sees life with you will be different than before, better. Allow her to see how it will be in small ways. Let her see how happy you are, and strong, and masculine. She will soon realize she has been an idiot, like I have.
As usual, Sara, you say exactly the words I need to hear. Retrouvaille can't come soon enough!
About how can you change your feelings for your H--it might not hurt to look at it as a long-term project, make a plan to do x action for your H every day for a month or six months regardless of whether you feel like it or you get a response from him, just do it. And see if your feelings about that unconditional action change.
WDID I commend you for coming here and opening yourself up. I agree with what all of the previous posters have put.
You and your H are both lucky that you may be getting a 2nd chance. You asked how long it will take for your feelings for OM to go away and for your feelings for H to return and there is no answer for that. If you sit and think about OM all day long, it will just take longer. Withdrawls from any "drug" are hard, but if you really want to "kick" you will. I think you are taking positive steps but listen to Puppy about Transparency, you have to cut off ALL contact in order for your M to get a fighting chance.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Ok, last night was hard. I went to my phone to get rid of it (its' been in my closet) and I saw a message from OM. Om left a message saying if I don't answer him he was coming over so I had to call him back and had to tell H. My son (5) has been sheltered from all of this, and I don't want OM coming and him seeing it all. H understood. He was right there as I called. I basically let the OM rant and rave until he finally said he would stop contacting me. I told him I'm getting rid of the phone so he won't be able to anymore. This was hard on all of us. It was hard on H because he said it was easier when he thought it would just all go away. He said now he wants to know details. I told him I would tell him anything he wanted to know because I don't want him thinking I have secrets that I want to keep from him, but I said that I don't think details will help us. I said I'd leave it up to him. He asked a few things, and I answered. We had nice, Friday plans that were ruined but It's good to get feelings out I guess. I feel bad for OM because he is hurting and I am the cause. I'm the cause of two people's pain. I still think about OM so it makes it even harder. I constantly worry about running into OM. I wish I wasn't so stupid and I wish I hadn't done this. H and I have a long road ahead of us. He kissed me last night and today and I am just disgusted by it. I don't show it, but I think it. This is so hard. H asked why I didn't just tell him that I started having feelings for someone else and it is close to being physical...he said he would have done something. I wish I had done that. I wasn't thinking. I was mad at him for not doing anything on his own. Now, all of that doesn't matter. I just wish I could take what I did away. I wish H would have done something ...ANYTHING...the past 3 years, to try to keep me. I'm just so upset. H and I made plans for a date tonight. I need to try to enjoy him. I'm thinking about the pain OM is going through. God, why can't I just be happy...
You handled that well. It was painful, but it needed to happen. I still think you should follow up with a formal "no-contact" letter, approved and mailed by your husband, so OM understands in no uncertain terms that you are never, ever to have any contact with each other again.
I know you "feel bad" for him -- that's pretty much script in most affairs. But you need to get to a point where you realize that it was morally weak (and in fact, "mean") of this other man to be involved with another man's wife. He will have to face those own consequences himself, but he is far from a saint in all of this.
Truth dart: good people don't sleep with other men's wives, and try to destroy their families.
He kissed me last night and today and I am just disgusted by it.
Am I misreading again? Are you disgusted by your husband's kiss?
It sounds to me as if you are sorry you had an affair with an immature, out of control man. If OM would just move on, would you still be regretting the affair so much? Are you appreciating H now because he is helping you get rid of bad choice that you got in too deep with? Once that is no longer a threat, will you lose interest in H again? Maybe what you wanted all along was to make your H fight for you. Sounds like he was the quiet DBer, who just waits for the new relationship to fade away. Besides, he doesn't need to fight other men for you. He needs to fight you for you. You can bring in an endless parade of other men.
I'm disgusted by my husband's kiss.....I can't explain it, Sara. The "love" from him is different than the "love" from the OM. That's why I worry that I don't love him like I should. Like I love him like a friend or brother. At the very beginning, we used to kiss like normal lovers would, but very early in the relationship something felt wrong. I didn't get "passion" from him. I realize now that it was his upbringing and lack of emotion from family, but all that said, it is still hard to not get "love" from your husband for so many years. By no emotion I mean he didn't seem to want to have sex much, he didn't give me that look of love, he didn't hold me like he never wanted to let go. He gave me other things that after reading the 5 love languages showed me love, but I never felt it because it was not my way of feeling love. Even after I told him what I needed, and he read the 5 love languages, he still didn't do anything to change. I did. I did show him love even when I felt like I didn't.
I am not just sorry that I had an affair with an immature, out of control man. No matter what he is like, I fell for him. I am sorry I had the affair at all. If I hadn't had the affair we could be working on all of the many issues we have without this big, enormous, sinful choice that I made. We have sooo many issues. It's not a matter of losing interest, I know my H is a wonderful man and we have a wonderful boy together, but our past is making me have a hard time loving him. I don't want to break up the family, and be a part time mother. My son is a main factor here and the fact that H is a good guy. We had problems from the get go. THe first year of our marriage I knew something was wrong. We didn't live together before marriage, etc. We tried to do everything like we should. Even though I knew we had major issues, I believe that when you marry you married forever no matter what. Divorce was not an option. 13 years later, full of pain, I made the mistake of an affair. NO matter what pain he caused me, I should not have done that. I kept telling him what I needed and he didn't listen or do anything. I should have forced a better counselor. We had gone to counseling together, then I went by myself. Nothing seem to make things better.
Maybe I did want him to fight for me? Is that so terrible? I wanted him to show SOMETHING toward me...ANYTHING..... The affairs were while we were separated and I thought we were headed toward divorce. No excuse, but that's the story.
I'm disgusted by my husband's kiss.....I can't explain it, Sara. The "love" from him is different than the "love" from the OM. That's why I worry that I don't love him like I should. Like I love him like a friend or brother. At the very beginning, we used to kiss like normal lovers would, but very early in the relationship something felt wrong. I didn't get "passion" from him. I realize now that it was his upbringing and lack of emotion from family, but all that said, it is still hard to not get "love" from your husband for so many years. By no emotion I mean he didn't seem to want to have sex much, he didn't give me that look of love, he didn't hold me like he never wanted to let go. He gave me other things that after reading the 5 love languages showed me love, but I never felt it because it was not my way of feeling love. Even after I told him what I needed, and he read the 5 love languages, he still didn't do anything to change. I did. I did show him love even when I felt like I didn't.
I am not just sorry that I had an affair with an immature, out of control man. No matter what he is like, I fell for him. I am sorry I had the affair at all. If I hadn't had the affair we could be working on all of the many issues we have without this big, enormous, sinful choice that I made. We have sooo many issues. It's not a matter of losing interest, I know my H is a wonderful man and we have a wonderful boy together, but our past is making me have a hard time loving him. I don't want to break up the family, and be a part time mother. My son is a main factor here and the fact that H is a good guy. We had problems from the get go. THe first year of our marriage I knew something was wrong. We didn't live together before marriage, etc. We tried to do everything like we should. Even though I knew we had major issues, I believe that when you marry you married forever no matter what. Divorce was not an option. 13 years later, full of pain, I made the mistake of an affair. NO matter what pain he caused me, I should not have done that. I kept telling him what I needed and he didn't listen or do anything. I should have forced a better counselor. We had gone to counseling together, then I went by myself. Nothing seem to make things better.
Maybe I did want him to fight for me? Is that so terrible? I wanted him to show SOMETHING toward me...ANYTHING..... The affairs were while we were separated and I thought we were headed toward divorce. No excuse, but that's the story.
