Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Anyone like me?

I'm going to take a little bit different tack here, WhatdidIdo. Mostly because there's not much that can be said after Sara's sage words of wisdom.

You say above that you WANT to end the contact, but you're sorely tempted. May I ask what steps you've taken to ensue that additional contact with OM doesn't take place? Have you sent him a "no-contact" letter, telling him that you've chosen to work on your marriage, and that you must never, ever have any contact with him again, and asking him to honor your wishes? Have you changed your cellphone number so that he cannot text or call you? Have you set up a system of "transparency" whereby your husband is able to know your daily schedule, see your cellphone's text messages (Sent and Inbox) at any time he wishes, and the detailed billing of which comes to him?

These are all time-tested concepts that can help you "firewall" your marriage, and make it bullet-proof against the temptations of infidelity. In many cases, it is the betrayed spouse trying to INSIST upon these things, only to have the wayward spouse resist them, but in your case, you sound genuinely remorseful and you are TRYING to end all contact.

I think this could really help you, and would GREATLY help your husband see that you're trying to regain his trust and work on healing your marriage.

Puppy

P.S. Although we've never gone, I hear NOTHING but great things about the Retrouvaille weekends.

I think part of the approach that helps keep a straying spouse from romanticising is to work at fully understanding what these other men are doing - they aren't images of romance - they are sexual predators threatening the stability of your home.

1. Many offer marital advice at first but a) are uneducated on the subject and b) aren't fully informed on the conflict as they only have your side of the story
2. They all offer to "help" in secret counsel with only one of the spouses.
3. They take a side, they take your side and become your cheerleader rather than an objective counsel.
4. They begin to flirt or participate in flirting and eventually get romancitally/sexually involved.

if you look at this list above, these are the things that would cost a professional counsellor their license. Should we hold non-professionals to any lesser standard/

1. You were confused.
2. You were hurt.
3. You were vulnerable.

Rather than these men "helping" they exploited the situation for their own benefit.

Look at them THJS way rather than as knight's in shining armor. This behavior is the same or similar to what child molesters do...hardly romantic now is it?

These guys are sneaking into your life, your home, and lying to your spouse, threatening his home, his life, and his son's life.

They do'nt have good intentions for your home, they just play around and do a LOT of damage and leave YOU and YOUR HUSBAND to clean it up. Is HE paying for your therapy?

Serious whatdidido, think about these men and the character of them in THIS light...you made mistakes, but you were vulnerable, these men exploited your vulnerability and used that for their own sexual gratification. They are not knights in shining armor, they are sexual predators in disguise.

Learn to acknowledge THIER part in this, it will help you protect yourself later, and free yourself to love your spouse the way they deserve. Spouses that take partner's back after betrayals like this are the knights in shining armor, not those users who messed up your life and leave you to clean it up.

Aud said it exactly. Love is a verb. Love is a decision. You have decided to love the wrong person. That will not stop until you decide to love the right person. When you make the decision, and you actively act in loving ways towards your husband, you will lose the desire to act in loving ways towards the other men. When you put forth the effort to act, the feelings will follow. It's true. Most people want it to happen the other way. But it doesn't. It is important that you get positive reinforcement from your husband when you act with love towards him. Until you get to Retrouvaille, you can help your marriage by being nice to each other, such as acting as you would if you were on a date. And you should acknowledge the good things the other does that you notice. For example, if he picks up the child at school. You should thank him for helping you. If he cooks a nice meal, you should compliment him. This simple polite treatment of each other is probably the single most important thing you can both do to heal you marriage.

I feel so fortunate to have found this forum. I have read everyone's responses over and over and have gotten a lot of good advice.

Aud31, you are right that I need to change the path and it will be hard. I always thought that love as a verb only happened when I was "in love". I am going to do the "action" and hope for the feelings to follow.

Quill71, I married H because he is a wonderful man and was everything I was looking for. You are right...what happened with the OM was what was missing with my H and me. I am exactly where your spouse is. I feel horrible about what I've done to my H and I've said more than once I wish I could just go back and change it ALL. I know I can't, and I will stay strong. Thank you.

Fooled Again, it is an addiction. I've tried to break up with this last OM many times before and always failed because I couldn't get through a day without the "drug". This time is different because my H now knows and I am repenting. It doesn't mean I don't still yearn for the "drug" but you are right, I have been given the ultimate gift and I plan on not screwing it up. I always said, if we can get through this we will be so amazing together.

Puppy Dog Tails, I told the one OM the day after I told my H about the affairs that it would be the last time we talked. We were "broken up" but still talked all the time. It was hard, harder for him than me at that point, but he won't contact me. The other OM and I had broken up many times the last few months before I told my H because I knew I wanted to end it. But, like I said before, I kept needing the "drug". I said goodbye to him the morning before I told my H and texted him later saying that it would be the last time I contacted him no matter what. He has texted me 2 times with sad notes and 2 times saying I betrayed him and fooled him, as well as called once (I did not answer it). I did not respond to the texts and have not contacted either OM since I told them I wouldn't. I will stay strong. NOw.....I do keep checking both myspaces and both messengers and my phone for messages. So, based upon what you said, in order for me to firewall my marriage I should delete all accounts and uninstall messengers. I should also get rid of my phone...it's a throw away phone. This sounds silly, but i've been waiting "just in case" because the last OM has anger problems and is on steroids and I worry about what he could do. I was going to wait a month to make sure he doesn't threaten to call family or something.

Mark F, you are right as I look at it, one of the OM was definitely what you described and it will help me get over it. It makes me mad that he took advantage of me. I do believe he knew what he was doing.

Sara, you are right about loving the wrong people. I have the most loving man here at home...what was I thinking...I will take your advice about being nice until retrouvaille and put forth the effort to act and hope that my feelings follow. It makes sense.

Sorry this ended up being so long.

WDID (ok, we needed a shorter nickname for you),

Congrats on your efforts at no-contact. If you get a new cellphone #, he won't be able to contact you anymore, and you won't have to worry about the unwanted text messages. But not only is this for YOU, but it is a way for you to show your HUSBAND that you're serious about repairing your marriage and reestablishing his trust!! You've taken some strong steps -- I would encourage you to finish the firewall.

Puppy

[quoteI am going to do the "action" and hope for the feelings to follow.[/quote]

Awesome. Just know that it might take a long time, and you'll slip and fall. What matters is that you pick yourself up and keep moving forward. Do the very best you can.

Well, I thought I'd share and hope for more support... This week has been good, H and I have been talkin a lot and spending tons of time together. We got bikes together and went biking, watched a couple shows together, have been emailing each other and talking to each other during the day. He has kissed and hugged me every day when he gets home. He even surprised me with flowers. We have plans for the weekend and have a babysitter coming. It's picture perfect.

Why am I still empty feeling? Why do I still feel like the hugs are ok, but the kisses are fake (on my side)? Why do I still feel like something is missing? Why do I still have no desire to be with him sexually? Why do I feel angry and sad at the same time?

Why can't I be happy? Why can't I get the feelings for this man that is being so wonderful?

I have been true to my word and have made no contact with the OM x 2 even though the one has contacted me and pleaded for me to contact him. I do plan on getting rid of him being able to leave me messages, but like I said before I am waiting because I want to make sure he doesn't pursue revenge and tell families, etc. I'd rather know ahead of time if he does.

I need some ideas on how to start "feeling" for my husband.

Sorry, but I call "b.s." on this one, whatdidIdo. That's just an excuse. If you want to get your feelings back for your husband, you need to end ALL contact -- including messages you're not returning. Cut off all means by which these two other men can contact you, and I think it will help.

Puppy

I agree with puppy on this one. What's more important to you.....your husband knowing your serious about no contact or the way you "look" to other family members. You should really, really be worried about how your husband sees this and not how you will feel if other people find out. That's NOT the important thing here. YOu should care about your husbands feelings and not yours, OM, or family members.

I hope you find happiness in your husband who truly loves you and wants to be with you. Hopefully, you will never have to walk in his shoes.

I read a lot of R books and I don't know what exactly to say, but from what I have read and seen on this site, it takes time, don't expect it to happen overnight (especially if you just left OM) - your H is lucky he has a chance to get you back

You need to start building memories together. What you said, is almost exactly what my W said to me, except she is not looking to reconcile. You have a unique opportunity that we are all looking for.

Build memories together, enjoy doing the things you both like and celebrate the things you don't have in common. It takes all types and it would be boring if you were both exactly the same. But for the most part, give it time, take it slow, enjoy life and each other, God bless you both, best wishes

I'm trying to stay happy as my heart gets ripped out. Looking for love and affection (getting little or none). Trying to fight off the blues.

M45
W41
M10 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
2 Dogs and 1 Cat
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 and still going