Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Drowning after 23 years!

Interesting thought. I was never in doubt as I found a notE she wrote to OM about OM breaking it off with his W. She came out and admitted it - I stupidly thought that would be enough for her to want to work on the marriage, but nope! It was a couple weeks after that I made the promise. She knows that is how I do business as well, my word has always been solid. I guess I should have waited! :-)

My biggest fear is my kids find out just because they will be in the house. I am reading a ton of books, and one book is on infidelity - maybe I should leave it out and have them ask questions. No, wrong way to do it. If I choose to do it, I will man up and do it. Really need to think about it. I wish I knew more about his sitc, that would help... but this is a "no snoop" week dang it.

EDITED--ADVERTISING NOT ALLOWED

Women aren't attracted to "nice guys." They like guys with a bit of an edge, who also happen to be nice. There's a difference.

There's nothing that says you can't go to your wife and say you've changed your mind about exposing her affair, if she doesn't end it.

You shouldn't be turning to your wife to be YOUR support right now. A woman doesn't need another "needy" child around to buck up.

You sound like a great guy, CBK, but you need to realize that all the stuff your wife is saying (like "I've been happy for years, even before the affair") is classic wayward "script." It means nothing.

Look, there IS one "good" thing about going thru this, and that is we get to work on ourselves. Become stronger. If you can use this time to work on YOU, and learn to lovingly detach from her, she WILL notice the changes, I promise you.

Puppy

Man, are you ever all over the road. Just re-read what you wrote here. "I should tell them. No, I should just leave a book out about it. No, I should man up and do it. No, I really need to think about it."

Good lord. I think you need to do some deep soul-searching, CBK, and figure out what it is you want, and what you're willing to do to get it. We can help you with strategies and tactics, but we can't help you grow a set, and we certainly can't make tough decisions for you.

This road ahead is going to be rough. It's time to batton down your hatches, and steel yourself against the storm, and decide to head into it.

Let us know how we can help.

Puppy

I agree with Puppy, CBK. Your kids are older. My oldest is S14, but I have smaller ones. I think that once he knows, he would be tempted to spill the beans to the smaller ones, D11 and D6. I don't think it would be right for them to find out. So I struggle with the issue. I have told MIL. Didn't do much good, however. Haven't heard anything about it. WW father is dying of cancer in another town. Don't think I have the heart to tell him, either. What do you think, Puppy? I think your kids were older, as well.

Puppy is right, don't use your W as your support. You need to look to yourself for that. (And it probably looks weak to her.) But it sounds like you're still in the 'trauma' stage. And boy does that hurt -- like a knife in the heart. It probably seems like the agony is never going to end. But it does get better. What helps is to detach and GAL. You probably have no idea how to do that when you can barely put one foot in front of the other, but start with small goals for yourself. It may be the last thing you feel like doing right now, but afterwards, I can guarantee you that you'll feel a bit better.

You didn't go into a lot of detail about what led to the problems, not saying you need to, but if you want to R, then it's critical. If you want to R, you need to address the issues that led you to this sitch.

You said 'nothing seems to work' but if she is still involved in an EA with OM, nothing is. She has to get out of that, and out of her fog.

My final 2¢ ... If you've scheduled a session with a DB coach. I would not do anything, say anything (to W or kids, etc) or make any decisions until you talk to your coach. I never did that, but those that do, seem to speak highly of them. This all takes so much time. Patience is critical.

Hang in there...

Thanks all, Last night was a another dagger in my heart. Don't get upset at me, but I did need my W for support to make it through. We spent the night at a friends home with all of our marrited friends. Hard to believe that she is okay with throwing this all away.

Our problems before were classic. We were never good communicators. She always nagged me, couldn't do anything right, I never validated her feelings, never really listened to her. I have always been a glass half full guy and her a glass half empty person. She said I was very controlling and bullying to her and made all the decisions - which, during counseling we found that just wasn't true. It came out I was more manipulating to get my way. The biggest issue was bringing up our son. We never agreed on what should happen. Either I was too hard on him or too soft on him - he manipulated us both and that was the main source of our arguments. Since we weren't good communicators, she would always wait until an issue was at hand to bring them up, then lecture me or the kids - drove us crazy. When we kept saying to cut it short, it pissed her off (much more complex than that). I would let things just build up inside of me, then all at once let it come out, almost alwasy at night when we would get in bed - I would be very upset. This happened about every-other-month if that. We quit doing things together as well. Our life was our kids. We travled all over the place since they were young and then sports took over for both kids, especially our son. One time, my W was in Hawaii for a waterpolo tournament and I was in Florida for a basketball tournament. We lost touch with each other. But we both thought that once they got into college we would reconnect. But alas, the OM stepped, showed her that she does matter and he validated her feeliings.

I have a DB coach on Wednesday and will ask about the A and what I should do. Puppy, h4u and h4h make a lot of sense - but will do a lot of soul searching on this issue.

I do know that as long as OM is in the picture, she will not react to what I am doing right now. That is why telling the OMW is so attractive, get him out of the picture and have him work on his own problems... To me, he is scum.

Thanks all

Hey CBK, you are getting great advice here. I won't tell my kids about the A because they are teeny tiny, but your kids deserve the truth. W doesn't want that, because this is her doing, her mistake.

Just wanted to welcome you and say you are doing great, even if you are all over the board. You'll gather your strength and do what you need to do.

For the record, I exposed to:

- OM's parents
- my MIL and FIL and my BIL
- OM and W's employer (affair was happening, in part, at their place of employement)
- my parents and siblings
- our adult daughters (then 20, 18). I later told my S14 in an age-appropriate way, when he asked me why me and his mom were fighting so much ("Mommy has a boyfriend, (S14). Married people shouldn't have boyfriends and girlfriends -- it's not right. I've asked your mom to stop, and she won't, and that makes me very angry, and that's what we're fighting about. I thought you should know the truth, and I will ALWAYS tell you the truth, okay?")

She said that she is afraid she would lose the kids if they ever found out. I will bring this up at the next MC and see what she says. I agree, why should I be fair when she is not. Again, lots of soul searching here. I do wish I had the other person's W name - at least it would be an option...

Puppy - how did your W react to all of this? Do you still talk? Are you on your way to mending?

CBK,

Make no mistake, your wife will be livid. She will scream and wail and rend her garments and gnash her teeth. She will say -- with 99.9% certainty -- that "you just blew whatever chance we had," or "we DID have a chance, but now you've BLOWN it!" She will call you "controlling" and worse, and you'll have to be prepared for that.

It's also the right thing to do, in my (and many others') opinion.

This is not something you ask permission to do, in front of a MC with your wife present. This is something you DECIDE to do, and then you just DO it.

Think about your first sentence: your wife is afraid she would lose the kids if they ever found out . . . WHAT, exactly? The TRUTH?? What will your children think of YOU, if they find out years later that you were enabling your wife's dishonesty with them, and not allowing them to make up their own minds?

My own sitch is that after carrying on her affair for two months last summer, amidst aggressive attempts by me to get her to end it (confrontation, exposure, all the while GALing and the other things that MWD teaches), my wife refused, and I had to file for divorce. One month later, she ended it with OM, and came to me tearful and remorseful and begged me to take her back. I insisted she send a no-contact letter, quit her job (where OM worked), change her cellphone # (and get detailed billing on the new one, which comes to me). After two 3-month stays, I've since withdrawn the divorce action, and we're working to repair our marriage. She had one slip-up/recontact with OM, last September, but since then there has been no contact nor any repeat infidelity. We continue a system of transparency by which her cellphone bill (with detailed billing) comes to me, and we are open with each other about our daily schedules.

Wayward spouses are addicted -- addicted to the affair, and its resultant rush of brain chemicals. Until they end all contact with the OM/OW, you largely cannot reach them.

Puppy