Im sorry I missed you and theo's conversation on medieval history I always thought I was born at the wrong time.. should have been born during those times.
Anyways, Im sorry about how you are feeling. But I am glad that you are getting stronger, and you are. You are a good person, and she needs to snap out of it, but unfortunately, she has to do this on her own.
As for your question, im assuming you meant that I would have my kids anyways... well no, I probably wouldn't marry my H. I know may the gods forgive me, but although I love him, there are just so many things he's done that I would not like to have gone through and that I am damaged forever from.
Now I can't change that obviously because I love him and the kids love him, so that's that.
take care nc
(((hugs))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
NoCode, hope you are feeling better today! I do think re: the spiritual that your W and my H have gotten on the wrong path away from God. We had a sermon about that in church and having affairs the Pastor specifically mentioned is one thing that will do that. So I do pray every day that my H will return to the right path and maybe you already do that for your W or could do that? It makes me feel better to do that anyway. My daughter says my H is wearing a cross that he started wearing this week with the Serenity Prayer and I am hoping that is a sign that my prayers are working!
I think I actually would still marry my husband, he was always a great dad (except for a few months when he was obsessed with the OW), I still love him, etc. But I would plan on having a different marriage: not letting him yell at me and standing up for myself and being more independent, things I have been working on. (H would have to work on himself too!!!)
Interesting question. I think it's well intentioned but a little far-fetched.
To have my kids without my wife, to try and erase her from the equation makes light of God's providence, and the gift and beauty of our lives together, however painful the last 2 years. The woman I married wouldn't have taken the path my wide has now. People change. There are no guarantees.
I think a more legitimate and hard question is, "Would you have married her, realizing that not marrying her means you wouldn't have your children?" That's a much more honest question. It's a question about our lives and how we assess them. It's a tougher question about our own existence.
I would answer, "yes". Yes...I'd marry her again. Why? I would do many things differently. I would have loved her with a passion, clarity and purpose I lacked throughout most of my marriage. I view it as one of those "would you go back and change the past?" questions. Yes I would, romantic fool that I am. Deep down I probably believe my loss of nerve, my depression, my lack of emotional connection with her really sent her over the edge. I would have given us a beautiful life. She deserved to be loved better. The question arises, "Why can't you do that now, Theoden?" She's deeply changed. Let me be honest enough to say that, perhaps, my lack of love contributed to her rejecting our common faith. Now we have much less in common. We can't understand each other anymore. I am much like Theoden, I may have woken up, but some damage is, perhaps, irreversible.
Here are some other hard questions.
If you were guaranteed complete custody of the children, would you divorce your spouse?
Assuming you have grounds for divorce (adultery), why aren't you divorcing you spouse?
What changes must your formerly adulterous spouse make for you to want to stay in the marriage?
Have you been so hell-bent on keeping the marriage together and concerned over the welfare of the children that you haven't stopped to think, "What do I want?"
Fast forward 2 months, your spouse has a change of heart and ends the affair and recommits to your marriage. If, somehow, your marriage could be saved, and made workable, mediocre and somewhat fulfilling -- if not spectacular -- and your kids would have an unbroken home, would return to it if you felt that you could have a terrific relationship with someone else? Would you settle for a lack-luster marriage with your current spouse if you somehow knew there was a good shot at a great marriage with someone else? This situation, interestingly, puts us in the position of most WAS, except, we have "more" justification.
NoCode, Thanks for the well wishes on my thread. If there is anyone who deserves love and happiness, it's everyone on this board.
I found the question your D group posed pretty hard to answer myself! Sometimes I do think about the what ifs, but then think of everything I would have missed out on, the journey H and I have had together ...
In the end, I concur with Theoden, I would still marry my H, but I would do things differently.
"If you were guaranteed to have your kids no matter what, and knowing then what you do now about them, would you still marry or get involved with your current spouse?"
Most of us said they would. Me, I said I didn't know--I would have to think on it. I have continued to do so. And after some weighing of the pro's and con's, I now believe that my answer would be "No".
Wow, nocode, I think I am with you. I would say 'no' waaaay before I said 'yes'. I am hoping I won't always regret my choice to marry H (minus the kids of course), but right now, he is the cause of severe and what seems to be never ending pain.
Sorry about wife being out and about while you have the kids. I have the same problem with my H. I know he goes out all weekend when I have them, but I am learning to LOVE the times I have with the kids and cherish the H-free days (the days I don't have to see him).
I am so happy your DivorceCare (how's my friend, M, is it?) dinner parties go well for you and your sons.
If you were guaranteed complete custody of the children, would you divorce your spouse?
Wow, probably.
Quote:
Assuming you have grounds for divorce (adultery), why aren't you divorcing you spouse?
I am trying to do it calmly without a war.
Quote:
What changes must your formerly adulterous spouse make for you to want to stay in the marriage?
I don't even think about these anymore, because the chance is not even there. But...IC, MC, complete change in his lifestyle. That is HIS work, don't worry I would have work too, but luckily DB is helping me with that already...
Quote:
Have you been so hell-bent on keeping the marriage together and concerned over the welfare of the children that you haven't stopped to think, "What do I want?"
Yes, I am afraid I have NO clue what I want right now.
Your final question, theo, terrifies me, because I am in such a phase right now of protecting my children. I think....gulp....if H would remain faithful and my trust could come back...I just might stay for a somewhat fulfilling marriage.
If, somehow, your marriage could be saved, and made workable, mediocre and somewhat fulfilling -- if not spectacular -- and your kids would have an unbroken home, would return to it if you felt that you could have a terrific relationship with someone else? Would you settle for a lack-luster marriage with your current spouse if you somehow knew there was a good shot at a great marriage with someone else?
With kids involved, I would in a heartbeat... they are blameless, and deserve the absolute best we can offer.
What you said. For my kids, yes, certainly. And a lackluster marriage doesn't have to always be that way, even if it never (again) attains the "terrific".
Great counter-questions, Theoden.
If you were guaranteed complete custody of the children, would you divorce your spouse?
Yes. Fairly easy question for me now -- before a month ago I would have been stumped.
Assuming you have grounds for divorce (adultery), why aren't you divorcing you spouse?
Because having the legal or biblical "right" to divorce my wife does not absolve me of my responsibility as a Christian and for the sake of my children to afford her every opportunity to come to her senses and repent. I don't have anything to gain by me filing for D anyway. That could change, but it hasn't so far.
What changes must your formerly adulterous spouse make for you to want to stay in the marriage?
Contrition. Quit her current job. No Contact. Be willing to move if necessary. Dismiss her work "friends". MC, MC, MC. Retrouvaille. MC. Renewal of our vows. MC. Dare I say it -- an STD screening. A long, hard talk with her mother, with me present.
Have you been so hell-bent on keeping the marriage together and concerned over the welfare of the children that you haven't stopped to think, "What do I want?"
No, not really. I want my family. I want to enjoy the very reason I work so hard -- my family. I want to build on my renewed walk with Christ. I want to love and be loved for who I am, not despised for who I am not or who I cannot be changed into. I want a simpler life.
NoCode, Man, you speak with clarity. I wish I had the answers to these questions so clear in my own mind. Much food for thought here!
Theoden, Just read "The Battle of the Pelenor" from Book 3 of TLOTR to S8 tonight in which Theoden and his daughter fall side by side in battle. Great stuff. The lesson of Thoeden is clear, but of Eowyn? I guess kind of a star-crossed lovers Romeo-Juliet thing?
Anyway, been thinking of you while reading this. Thanks for helping so many of us to see the light and begin to live our lives with passion again!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Karen