I am less pessimistic than he is about recreating the spark, though. You and H had that attraction once upon a time, and I believe you do each love the other - I have high hopes for you.
In our past DBing adventures together, I think we learned that we can't make someone else love us. All we can do is love ourselves, and let that show, and our spouse may react to that and find their love for us rekindled.
I believe the same holds true here. We can't make someone else be attracted to us. All we can do is work to believe in our own hearts that we ARE attractive, and let that show, and our spouse may react to that and find their attraction for us rekindled.
Looking at the flip side, I wonder how much this fits your H? Did he, once upon a time, feel that he was attractive - and has that changed? Maybe your course should be to "encourage him to rediscover his inner sexy self". Make sense?
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Sorry no update for a while, I had of course given this a lot of thought. And I started with thinking about myself.
Recently I've been skipping the gym, doing more housework, getting to bed late, drinking too much, being a lot of a slob. So! I don't feel that great about myself, so I started to change that.
Things I have been doing: 1. Getting more exercise and back to healthy eating 2. Getting up earlier 3. Wearing nice knickers instead of the plain black ones I usually do 4. Wearing perfume every day 5. Seeing my friends a bit more 6. Letting some of the housework drop. If I do it all it makes me feel resentful towards H, so i decided to not do it and if he feels it needs doing he will speak up. 7. Cutting back on the booze. I usually drink alcohol only at weekends, this works very well for me.
Results More ML, but this has tailed off again ... but then we have been decorating and I've been out H making nice comments about my new pants H tells me I look nice more often (I asked for that one, stated specifically I'd like him to tell me that 3 or 4 times a week)
Next steps Carry on with the healthy eating and exercise, since Nov I've lost 22lbs, would like to lose another 21 or so in the coming months. Get a haircut - my split ends need a tidy Get an eyebrow wax - I have lovely shaped eyebrows but they need a little tidy up oh - we're getting a new bed too. Our current one is over 10 years old and now VERY uncomfortable.
Key to this is my weight. At one point I weighed 232lbs. Now I'm about 185, aiming for 154 eventually. And who can control that? Only me. As I get slimmer, I feel more inclined to dress up and wear make up, which in turn prompts H to say I look nice. I realised I can't demand things, I have to make some effort too.
So all in all good. I'm learning to be more of a girl sometimes .... to do these feminine things and attract H to me, rather than demand he come along. I make sure too i dish out complments to H, that seems to help.
Opps - got to go to work Life is good
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Jen - your are such a positive person, i really admire your inner strength and your capability to look inside and find answers.
Keep up the girly work, good news about the knickers and perfume, remember do what works and it WILL make you feel nice.
Your list is postive.
Definately get the hair and eyebrows done.
Do you get the basic make up kit?
What about a nice walk together on these gorgeous evenings we're having?
New bedlinen for your new bed and scented candles for the room, what about a complete change and change the colour, re emulsion, white is the new magnolia.
All these changes are tweaks and H is bound to notice, you may get him to join you in your more active persuits and healthy eating and then he'll feel better about himself and the M too.
x Evie
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Looking at the flip side, I wonder how much this fits your H? Did he, once upon a time, feel that he was attractive - and has that changed? Maybe your course should be to "encourage him to rediscover his inner sexy self". Make sense?
Oh YES!!!! There is something else here I haven't I believe stated much before and I think it has to be considered.
First - let me add the new knickers are having a wonderful effect. Inviting H to "investigate my new knickers" with a cheeky grin on my face is a winner
I was brought up with the "sex should not be discussed" attitude. I wasn't told it was dirty, it just wasn't really discussed that much. I also had very low self esteem practially all my life, which getting bombed finally helped with.
Admission time - I used to be the LD one! H was the HD, I was LD. He used to make a play for me and I'd push him off. I remember once he said something, words to the effect off "sometimes I feel like I'm pawing at you" when all he was doing was trying to give me a cuddle and I was squirming.
Why? Why was I so LD? I used to think sex was dirty, that men only liked it if it was a bit kinky. WRONG. I will never forget, Jeff, the line you said to me "yes, sex can be dirty and kinky but making love to your spouse NEVER is". Those words will stay with me forever and they really helped turn things around for me.
My H doesn't like it kinky or dirty. He likes to be touched, massaged, he loves to feel his hands on me. I'm a bit ticklish so for me being HELD firmly is lovely. So, he was showing love the way he wanted and it was tickling me, I was showing love the way I wanted and it was making H feel unloved. Ha! Easy solved.
Maybe when my H was making advances and I was pushing him away this contributed to his LD. I'm sure for him it was horrible to have his advances turned down time and time again, from what i've read that makes people feel unattractive then if they don't have that inner sexy self it's hard to get in the mood.
So I remember the LD me, it was years ago now, although I can feel its shadow surface now and then. I can push it away by remembering I AM a great gal, worthy of love, I AM attractive, I DO look good. Losing the fat is helping too. I cannot feel sexy if I am flabby. I'm not saying flabby people aren't sexy, but **I** feel unsexy if **I** am flabby. So I owe it to myself to keep up the healthy eating and exercise.
I just wanted to make the admission that yes, I was an LD wife and it got me a whole heap of trouble. I wish i'd sorted myself out ages ago. But I'm doing it now and it's having great results.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
A lot of the men that used to post on the SSM boards would say how they felt 'rejected' by their LD wives. In time they stopped pursuing because the rejections, be they ever so subtle, used to hurt them so much and are a real turn off.
I know that I tend to look to my H to initiate about 95% of the time. The trouble with that is if he initiates and I am not in the mood he gets a 'knock back' and feels rejected. Then if I only initiate a few times and sit waiting for him we get into a downward spiral. I never really thought about the 'rejection' angle for my H until I saw what some of the men on this forum had written - it really made me open my eyes.
When I was in a LD phase I would avoid physical contact with my H. I always thought it would lead to him pushing for more than I wanted to do. In doing that I am doing several negative things - I am taking away any small amount of physical contact at all - and from my H's perspective something was better than nothing.(He didn't expect it to lead to sex; often he just wanted a cuddle - it was ME that was getting it wrong). If I had had just a cuddle I might well have felt like doing more either then or later on, but I wasn't allowing myself any loving feelings stimulation. I was rejecting my H and making him feel bad about himself. I was teaching my H not to initiate.
It sounds like you are getting things sorted now - you go girl!!!!!
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Notice the **I** statements rather then the **him** statements.
Excellent.
You are right about men in general. We like the "hard to get" playfullness and mystery but that is so much different from saying "no, not in the mood" which is often taken for rejection.
You are also right: you ARE attractive, you do control your weight and appearance for YOU, and you can choose to be assertive and have the courage to try new things, even where sex is concerned.
Courage and assertiveness leads to confidence and well-being.
Life is good 
