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Crazy ride we are on! I have been washing, shaving, colone, and "dressing up" like I going out "on a date" when I leave the house to go read or to gym etc... W has noticed, but I haven't been telling her where I going...

Hi Arthur,

I just thought I would drop by to offer a few words of encouragement as someone who has had to face down the anger of a WAW.

Remember the anger that you are seeing from W is all about demonising you to help her justify in her mind that what she is doing (most likely an A) is right. The more she can make you look like the bad guy the easier it is for her to continue the A. If you face up to the anger and if she is anything like my W it will intensify to unbelievable proportions, so buckle down for a bumpy ride.

Keep this as your consistant reaction cos believe me she may get worse.

I would say say definitely yes


Don't give up, stay the confident new you, I was back in your exact situation last October but I manged to turn things around, with a lot of hard work and patience you can do the same , Keep going Arthur.

Lanzo

TY for responses, every response is appreciated and i try and digest it all and take it on board and link it to my sitch.

I find it odd that you all are so convinced there is an affair. Honestly, there is little time for W to be doing that except for nights out which are about fortnightly. I may be being to gullible here and maybe there is an EA, through texts or e-mails, but i don't know.

So what do people do when it comes toan anniversary or WAW birthday ? my friend i spoke to suggested a card for anniversary and something simple. What you think ?

Hi, the reason so many think your W is having an A is b/c we have seen this same story played out in other lives too many times. It isn't that you are that gullible, but you have always trusted her and you don't want to believe she is having an affair. You speak of an EA as if it were nothing, but I had an EA, never led to the physical, but I can tell you that it was an affair non the less. I cheated on my H! Some people do not believe that to be true, but it is, b/c it is an affair of the heart.....and depending how far you carry out the "emotional" part. I just don't see a wife and mother going out to the places she is going without her H and staying until the wee hours of the morning that is up to anything but no good.

Having said all that (again), let me say that you can wait this out and like some have warned, it will probably get worse before it gets better. One sign of your W's bad language in front of the children is b/c of the bad company she is keeping. It is telling off on her. I think if you tell her that she is too much of a "lady" to talk that way in front of her children....that will make her think twice about what she is doing. It works better than putting her down and shaming her.....which you haven't done that, but I know that most mothers want to be seen as a lady by their family.

I think those of us who have tried to tell you to prepare yourself to find out there may be an affair, just do not want to see you completely crash and are trying to warn you. Your wife may even try to tell you that she has had an EA if she thinks that you look at it as "nothing serious" the way you have implied. However, I still would have my doubts that she hasn't had sex. It may have been a one night stand and not an "affair".....people can play on words. Just prepare yourself b/c if she hasn't went all the way......I think it is just a matter of time before she will. I hope that things will begin to turn around before that happens.

Sandi

I never looked at an EA like that TBH. Why, because to me it's nowhere near as bad as a PA. Yes, it has the danger of turning into that if it hasn't already, but until that happens (or I know for definite it has happened) I remain optimisitc it hasn't else I will probably crumble as you say.

My W is not a good liar in general and has either improved immensly in the last 6 weeks or has not met up with said man, but for 2 chance and the 2nd I'm convinced she didn't, but that's not to say she didn't meet someone else. However, for a change, her stories actually all add up.

I do keep telling myself through this, that what she really wants is me to be the person that fills the voids that I created, but she just got fed up waiting and grew more unhappy. I'm working on myself so much now and am sure I've seen some small changes being noticed but they could just be slips. either way, slips mean W has relaxed a little i guess.

It seems that we still have the same relationship, but for not physical side and the going else generally 1 night each at the weekend, nothing else really seems to have changed. We communicate more, we argue less and the home environment is less tense than it has been for months.

W asked me to book 2 weeks off during the summer holidays the other day too, nothing specific and I know it's to help with the boys, but at least that shows she is thinking ahead afew months doesn't it ?

My understanding:
Most men feel PA is worse than an EA.
Most women feel EA is worse than an PA.

I would agree R2C, i guess that is the same as what we want from a relationship.

Little update :

I have had a tough day, thinking to much and had a slight slip when I got a bit cross early evening, though I felt it was justified, so does that make it ok ?

Encouraged W to go out and see her friend and then when she came home early, she was pleasent and discussed evening. Small laughs about couple of things then might of gone a bit to far as she blew me a kiss and said g night so I said 'give me a kiss then'.. 'no'. Brief to and through but then she left for bed just now still smiling as i was about the slip. She keeps making these slips, is this a good thing ? or just habit ?

I guess i'm impatient as i'm noticing signs already that my changes are working and when having a tough day, you really want it to push on. oh well, must slow down and take it slower I know and wait for W to make a real noticeabeable reaction to me.

I asked previously and seems missed or ignored, but what do we do with anniversaries and birthdays ? I still would like to get a card for A and get pressies for b Day, to keep the kids out of it as much as anything. I also had planned to do all the house stuff this summer that needs doing, but no longer sure I should. If we were to split it would be wasted, needed money. thoughts ?

Feel better tonight for evening alone than did today. one day at a time. Did finish book tonight to, so now need to go through it again and do the tasks. Kinda seeing some of the things I would have listed a week ago as small steps, so might have to ignore what has happened so far and go for some new ones.

Intend to use this as a daily or so journal, but all comments and opinions welcome.

GL all

Hi there Arthur

All IMO! You need to be very very careful when you see sweeties in the sweetie shop! Whatever you do, you need to be careful not to appear needy. So, good you recognized this slip but be mindful of the need to maintain your vigilence!

I have found the pressie issue tricky too and you'll find all angles on it on this board. How do you normally deal with pressies on these occasions - are you a thoughtful, hearts and flowers guy or utilitarian flowers and tea-cloths chap?

Best - GFI

Anniversary I'm usually a card and flowers yes and that is the one I am going to find more awkward I think. For birthday, I don't mind the getting the pressies as they are a gift either way, but an anniversary is something more if you like.

I am at the moment thinking of getting a card and having it ready written etc and then see what happens. I might even get 2 with different messages depending but got a little time to see what goes on before then.

so, how do we know if were making progress ? I mean, I know the book says list things you'd like as small steps and as I say above, I have seen a few that I would have listed a week or so back, but GFI is telling me to be careful... Confused a bit.

Hi there Arthur - what I have found to my cost (and seen it a bit in other situations too) is that when offered a chink at the door the overwhelming temptation is to try to prise the door open a bit more...only to get rebuffed. And in that interaction, a little hard won self respect and self esteem is lost. I'm definitely not saying don't recognise it and list it as a really positive step...it is!

On the pressie front - how about birthday pressie (s) from the boys - your W will still recognise your thought and effort in making that happen.

The anniversary is a much thornier one. As I see it you have 3 options:

1. business as usual
2. cancel the event this year
3. recognise it but with the rider that things are different - i.e perhaps cut the mushy hearts and flowers and go for an aspirational, uplifting card (there are lots around with sunsets, mountains, dreamy landscapes etc and saying e.g. "I know things are hard etc " but "wanted you to know etc" "from your friend" "hope you find etc".

Not sure about having one in your back-pocket tho'. This would suggest that you're reacting to her lead - I understand it - I really do...but in a sense something like this might be best dealt with through boldness and doing what you feel is right - regardless of how she is going to play it. Trying to second guess how your W is going to play this and then fitting in with that might leave you feeling a bit frustrated / awkward / inadequate / needy.

You could always ask her...

But - all IMO and experience.

Best - GFI