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Kiwi,

Don't push for talks, just go on the trip.

W is initiating things and wants you to go, this is a good sign. I know you want to talk about everything, but to be honest it's not going to happen yet. I think your R with W will need to grow stronger before she opens up.

If you need help in reconciling this situation in your mind, please post again and I'll try to help. If possible could you post weekly, this will help others to keep a track of your progress.

Thanks

Update; we went away on our 'family' holiday overseas. slept in sep rooms. I initiated a R talk and got told that WAW thinks we're good co-parents to S3 and she's happy with where things are at. A couple of days later I told her I still loved her and that I could nopt move into another relationship without dealing with that. She told me I needed to "talk to someone" about that..... who is the "someone" I wonder.

On the flight home she confirmed no OM but I'm getting nothing back. I reaffirmed that I still was in love with her the next day and that I was also scared of getting hurt again.

No response, just a blank look.

Am I wasting my time here? should I go with one of the people I have met who seem quite nice? Is that easier than doing the hard yards and opening up (a 180 for me)?

help!!!!

Hi Kiwi,

I guesss you a getting no response and blank looks from W cos she feels smothered and overpowered by you telling her how much you love her and that you need to get back together. She will see this as pressure and you will appear as needy and weak to her.

If you want to get back with W you need to dig in and do the tough yards you need to back off GAL and show W the type of person you really are.

If you are thinking of getting with other people only do this if you are done with W and your M otherwise things will get overly complicated.

At the moment you don't sound happy with yourself, find that happy person for yourself and I'm sure W will like him too.


Take care and keep posting.


Lanzo

Hi Lanzo, great advice. I only read your earlier post after the trip.... WAW told me last night that she felt smothered, she couldn't promise me anything and in her mind the only reason there could be any urgency was b/c I had someone else and had to make a choice between her and WAW. WAW said this was no different to an ultimatum.

I acehived some great 180's by being calm, not needy and thanking her for sharing her thoughts with me. That's the good news.

The bad news is that somehow we got onto splitting the assets and I said I'd rather the lawyers did that. This became a calm but hard conversation where WAW told me 'you have to do what you have to do, everyone has a right to be happy'.

I said that it was true. I told her that my having someone else is not a factor but that 16 months after seperation, I needed to get an idea of where her head is at. she replied that she's working on some issues which are selfish issues and can't see beyond that. I should go and be happy.

This is where I was an idiot and thanked her for that; that I took her comment as read and would get on with my life.

The convo ended with discussion about what assets would go where and an agreement to let the lawyers deal with it this week.

I really wish I had read your post first Lanzo b/c I lost sight of acting as if and not putting pressure on.

so, how do I recover from this? keep GAL, backing off? is that advice still current given the sitch above?

BTW, I am pretty OK with myself right now. I have GAL, I am fit again. Maybe I've been getting too much attention from other women and I must admit I have enjoyed that.

My previous advice still stands, back off from W don't discuss the R or M uless she wants to and continue to GAL. Enjoy the company of OP but don't get involved with anyone unless you are done with your M.

While you are around W just show her that you are happy and content with yourself despite your situation. Be a friend to the point where she starts to think how can I D a guy who is so happy and fun loving and content.

The bottom line is you cannot pull W back to you, she has to come back in her own time and under her own steam.

Patience is what is needed.


Take care

Lanzo

It seems to me the W may want to be "friends" for self serving reasons. During these "meetings" H wants a mind read or an R talk but W wants to "split assets"; telling her the L's will work on that antagonizes her; acting "as-if" you're happy and moving on either makes her feel unloved or reduces her guilt feelings so she feels what she's done is the right thing; so then she either backs off from these "meetings" or they get unpleasant for one or both.

Update;

I have backed off again, not seeking her out, being happy, GAL with friends etc. I'll let WAW initiate the next discussion, I have not yet pushed tyhe go button on the asset split, although I have spoken to the attorney about next steps. Bit confused as there is someone I quite like but not yet done with my marriage. So I guess I stay in limbo for a bit.

Guess I have been looking for the mind read as it seemed like a long time to be separated and I wanted to get a read for the future......

Thanks for the feedback/support everyone, you are really helping here.....

Update; WAW claiming to everyone who'll listen that I have OP now. So it's over according to her. I don't have OP but have had an infatuation that I dealt with so that I could attend to the DBing. Guess women do have 6th sense.....

Think WAW's OP claim is more about justifying why not coming back and assauging guilt???

Kiwi - Forgive me for asking but did W have an A ? I cannot understand why ( unless there was abuse ) why any woman would leave a marriage , unless there was someone else.

Even then unless OM is in picture, why would you continue to choose to be seperated.

If I was in your shoes I would definitly stay away from anyone else until you are 100% sure that you are over your W. Not fair on anyone especially your child.

Leave no stone unturned !

Yes, WAW had an EA which progressed to a PA after seperation. There was no abuse. WAW also had Post Natal Depression and had a skewed view of the world at the time. She's basically shuned her family as well.

She's now out partying with much younger people but is not seeing anyone according to her, the OM is out of the picture.

I'm just really frustrated. It's been 16 months and I've DBed sometimes well, sometimes badly but I stayed the course. I'm really just tired and feeling a bit like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I think I had way too high expectations of the family holiday (she suggested it so I probably got over-excited/confident).

as to your question why anyone would leave a marriage or stay separated, I ask myself that every day.....