Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? #3 Did I find DB too late? Maybe not...

A couple of crazy days on the roller coaster. H and I getting along fine, me very upset and trying not to show it, today we had a little R blow-out. H tells me that we aren't over, but he doesn't know what he wants (same old same old). He does tell me that being together as a family is good for him right now. I feel like a loser, like I'm worthless because my H can't even give me reasons why he wants to divorce me, why he's unhappy. Says he loves me, that he respects me, that he thinks I'm a wonderful person and that I didn't do anything horrible to drive him away. Then WTH can't he stay married to me?

Then while I was at work tonight, he sends me an email. The big positive is that it was on his own volition, I've gotten exactly one email on us/his thoughts since July that was his doing only.

Basically it said that our separation is a good and necessary thing for both of us. (I don't know if it was necessary for me, but I've made good of it.) Before he was done with our marriage and "had nothing left in the tank" and that being apart has given him time to reflect on us, the good and the bad, and the benefits of being together as a family unit. Said he's avoided alone time because he's not really wanting to deal with us again, but that being together as a family has been helpful because it is a chance for us to be together in a setting in which we work well in the meantime.

He said that he doesn't know why people who have "worse" problems are able to stay together and stay committed while he is possibly not and that he doesn't care about other people's relationships. (IMO other people can because they actually are committed to their vows and their marriage.) He's trying to understand his own hesitations and fears and to figure himself out. Basically, he was unhappy in this relationship and he had to get away or get out.

This lout is saying that plugging away and maybe being happy or maybe bein miserable wasn't feasible for him and his "makeup" and now he's dealing with the consequences (dude, if you want consequences, I'll show you consequences. You haven't seen consequences!) and trying to move forward with me in a better fashion regardless of where we end up.

He feels he's in a better place now with us that he was a few months ago (yay!) and sees that I am trying to change and be a better person and feels he is trying to do that as well. Is that enough for him to come back and want to make this work? He honestly doesn't know. (read: no) but that he's trying to come to terms with his fears and hesitations (read: I'm trying to gather the strength to actually leave you and break up our family while trying to make sure we're friends enough for me not to feel too guilty).

I don't know whether that email makes me feel better or not. Without question, I see a lot of positive things in it and it's positive that he's actually able to open himself up to me. BUT.

I don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if I should really even care anymore.

On a side note, what brought this up is my friend who I have been planning on attending the concert with tomorrow called and said she tweaked her back, wondered if anyone else could go with me. Right when she called, H walked in. I asked him if he wanted to go instead and he said "No." I was obviously disappointed because he had said he wanted to earlier. Guess I was wrong. His words, "I'm not that into concerts. I've been telling you for six weeks that I didn't want to go."

Um, no. Four weeks ago he said he'd go with me. Then he spent a week telling me that he had made other plans and was trying to figure it out. He never said he didn't want to go. I told him that exactly and said that if he, even one time, had told me that he didn't to go that I wouldn't have asked him. Per his typical thought process he said that he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to disappoint me. Honesty doesn't disappoint me.

All we are doing is spinning wheels.

Basically I have a husband who doesn't understand the "commitment" part of marriage. Who doesn't respect me enough to give me basic communication and doesn't give a rats arse about marriage, vows and that sometimes relationships are work.

I'm beyond frustrated. Yet unlike him, I can't just give up because it's difficult, because it hurts me and because it's not what I dreamt it could be. Right now I really do hate him.

bump

I'm really beginning to believe that I'm at the beginning of my end.

This may be a dumb question, but have you said just exactly that sentence to him?

Keeping in mind that guys can't handle most of our 10 topic conversations, especially when we start bringing in justifications and emotions, that one sentence IF it's consistent with your actions, might turn a light on in his head.

My H doesn't get it either. He thinks love should be easy and fun, he hates to argue and will avoid telling me things he things will upset me both to avoid upsetting me and to avoid arguments. I wish there was a spell to make all our stupid WASs grow the f- up!

We've got trouble with one topic converations!

Yep, I've told him this a lot of times. He just doesn't like to say "no" and he doesn't like letting other people down, so he avoids anything that hints at that. It's a big problem.

Are you sure we don't have the same H?

It took me until last October to figure out that when my H says "okay" it really means "I don't actually want to, but I'll grudgingly do it anyways, but you should know I don't want to and so you owe me big time for this". Whereas I always thought okay=yes=sure=fine and that's how I use it. MAJOR confusion.

I think we might! For years I have been saying, "It's OK to say no." He will also say "sure" when asked a question that he really doesn't want to do. It's another thing that I've noticed and commented on for a while. Even my D6 got it yesterday.

Last week he said he'd do a yoga class with me (H needs to learn how to deal with stress), so we were talking about it yesterday and I asked him if he wanted to do one on the weekend after his Mom leaves. He says, "Sure." D6 said, "Mom, he doesn't want to. He didn't say 'Yes' he just said 'Sure.'" My kid's too smart. Except that H then said that he had already told me that he'd go to one and that he does want to check one out.

Funny how when they get called on it they squirm. Guess it doesn't fit with their notions of politeness.

So I was just in the car and said to myself, aloud: My Marriage is Over.

Perhaps this is just detaching, I don't know. All I know is that the man I married is gone. The marriage I thought I had is gone. All I have is a man who's incredibly self-centered, shallow and f-ed up and he just happens to be my kids father, the man I once thought had the cajones to do this thing called marriage. I was wrong.

I want to take my rings off, but am not. I am not going to show any changes from his note yesterday; all the changes are in my heart.

All I replied to his email was thanks and that communication is good. I was very blase this morning during the kid exchange, I purposefully busied myself with a task this morning. Forwarded a t-ball email, he called me talk about it. Then emailed me the same thing he said. Came home to a message from him that he was just called to say Hi, see how I was, didn't have anything specific to say yet asked me to call him back to chat. I returned his call and left a message that I was just returning his call. That's it.

Since family time is good for my kids, and apparently my H, I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing, but mentally I'm preparing for this to be over. I have asked him to do Retro in July. After his email I think that if he goes it's going to be the only chance he'll have to understand the importance of our vows and the whole commitment thing. If he won't go, I have my answer. I know that Retro won't guarantee anything either, but it could help save my family.

Basically, I can do this until July 10. If he won't go to Retro, we're over. If he will do Retro, we'll see. I don't have high hopes and I'm honestly beginning to wish this was just all over with so I can figure out what to do with my broken heart, my broken dreams and my future.

He has clearly gone brain dead! I remember that he was insisting that he wanted to go to the concert, you tried to give him an out, and he wouldn't take it. Grrrrrrr!

((((((((cw68))))))))

One possibility might be that he is retreating after your recent closeness. Don't know.....