maybe when my civil case goes to trial i can use the "the devil made me do it" defense.
God gave us free will and that is what gives faith it's power. It gives us the ability to choose to believe in God or not. It gives us the ability to choose the things we are going to do. I don't believe God or Satan will step in and make you do something.
"That path is for, your steps alone."
You didn't have to go through the decision making process on your own, but the decision to have affairs was yours. Not God's. Not Satan's. And not mine.
Quote: I don't believe God or Satan will step in and make you do something.
Quote: but the decision to have affairs was yours. Not God's. Not Satan's. And not mine.
In sam's defense...she didn't say the devil made her do it. She was actually responding to the comment that I made that if you provide the opportunity satan will provide the temptation . She was tempted- she fell...it happens. We have all sinned and in God's eyes he doesn't count any one sin better or worse than another. Sin is sin...The problem is that WE put levels on sin. Well what you did has to be WORSE than this other thing, etc...And since you are not the one who had the A -obviously her sin is worse than any you have committed. I've said it before and I'll say it again- "an undetected weakness coupled with an unexpected opportunity and you could do anything as evil or wicked as anyone else has ever done." Anyone can fall. It COULD happen to you...it could have happened to you...
I guess once again it all comes down to forgiveness...
Sorry- I should probably mind my own business but I'm feeling really bitchy today and you sounded just like my H. Not your fault that I got all fired up! Hope you don't mind me butting in!
Sandra
Never argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience...
Thanks, Sandra. I told him pretty much exactly what you said. Makes me feel good to have someone understand me and be in my corner.
I just got a phone message from my graduate school advisor saying she heard about my "problems" and wants me to call her, if she can do anything, and she's praying for me. Weird, she never said anything like that to me while I was working with her...
Sad told me about the call when I got home from putting a contract on a house, thinking I would be happy to hear from her. I tried taking care of the kids, talking with him, but while I was making food for the kids I just started feeling so ashamed. I asked if I could come upstairs by myself for awhile and he said yes.
I abused my power as a psychologist, and that is a bad thing. When Sad first found out, he was the only one who knew anything about it. I knew I would have to report myself to the Board of Psychology, which I technically didn't HAVE to do, but in those first couple of weeks I think I thought I would be able to keep my license, and I think I thought I wanted to keep practicing. If I kept my license, I knew I would have to report myself.
Anyway, after my consultant/therapist discussed with me how much I needed a break from therapy, and my reaction was so strong, it has become more and more clear to me how being a therapist was NOT what I wanted to do. I've been struggling with why did I waste so much of my life being a miserable graduate student and a miserable psychologist, when now I don't even want the damn degree!
I also live in fear that people I know and have to face day to day will find out what I did. Seems like some people have affairs (maybe most?) and when it's over, the only people who really know are the spouse & the person who had the affair...I don't know...there is also something that feels terribly dirty to me about it having been 2 clients. More shameful...Anyway, Sad said "how much do you think she knows?" Which, of course, I don't know! And I said to him in a snippy voice, "It's public record at the board....sexual intimacies with 2 clients...It's public record." He said something about did I blame him for it being public record...blah blah blah...
No, it 's not his fault. He did request that I turn myself in to the board as part of my "gesture of faith" that I wanted to work on the marriage. But, honestly, I had to do that anyway. I did tell him what it would mean - that I might lose my license, etc. etc. And he has been so wonderful about the fact that our finances are in a mess because of this. Well, becuase of this and because he got arrested for beating up OM#2....
Anyway, I DO NOT want to be a psychologist anymore...and my advisor did sound completely sympathetic, not judgemental, which is a good thing. Oh well. I have to face what I did. Just wondering if anyone has thoughts about my self-pity at having to be publicly humiliated and lose my career because of having 2 affairs...which I really only count as one, because they were symptoms of the same underlying illness...the psychotherapist disease!
I'm not feeling COMPLETELY sorry for myself - I definitely WANTED to lose the career...but I don't like fearing having my peers finding out about this...
WEll, I guess anyone who cheats leaves themselves open to having other people find out about it - including co-workers and close friends...I guess I could use some support/insight about how to deal with this from that perspective, too.
Thanks, everyone...
I guess the good news is we put a contract on a house exactly in the neighborhood we want! It's smaller than the one we have, but we can add on to it as we get our finances back in order. And store a lot of stuff in the attic until then!!!!
Quote: Thanks, Sandra. I told him pretty much exactly what you said. Makes me feel good to have someone understand me and be in my corner.
You're welcome!
Quote: I've been struggling with why did I waste so much of my life being a miserable graduate student and a miserable psychologist, when now I don't even want the damn degree!
Well at least you know now what you DON'T want to be and can move forward with figuring out what it is you need/want to be! I believe it is never too late to start something new. I too am questioning lately what it is that I need to be doing. I'm not sure teaching public school is it. I LOVE to teach but there is soooo much crap that goes on in public school that I'm not sure I can see myself doing that for the next 20 yrs.
Quote: I also live in fear that people I know and have to face day to day will find out what I did. Seems like some people have affairs (maybe most?) and when it's over, the only people who really know are the spouse & the person who had the affair
Hmmm...I don't know about that. When my stepdad cheated on my mom she told EVERYONE that would listen! When it all came out about my A (even though mind you I never actually admitted the physical part)- my H told EVERYONE who would listen. He even called the vet's office and told the receptionist to put our bill in his name at his new address and told her about it! Of course he NEVER paid the bill for our dogs and the next time I needed the vet- I had to pay the 300.00! Anyways, I digress...What I'm trying to say is that even though your A seems rather public- it probably would have been anyway. Your H or the OM would have told people and whether there was proof or not the rumors would have spread. My H went to his work and told all of them that his W was having an A with his best friend. I can assure you I felt rather weird the first time I went to his office after that and had to talk to some of the secretaries. It was very awkward.
Quote: WEll, I guess anyone who cheats leaves themselves open to having other people find out about it - including co-workers and close friends...I guess I could use some support/insight about how to deal with this from that perspective, too.
How true! But you could also say that anyone who does anything wrong (like in my husband's case- being so financially irresponsible)leaves themselves open to other people knowing. Look at it this way- your friends and family love you no matter what(they love the person, hate the sin)and they are going to be there for you. If not then they really aren't your friends! They will not judge you. My friends have been very supportive. My co-workers either didn't mention it or offered their prayers for my M problems. (Of course, I didn't talk about it much- I kept a very low profile when the worst was going on. Even lied and told them I had a horse riding accident to cover for my H when he threw the can at me and sent me to the ER)And talk about feeling ashamed...At the time I was teaching in a Baptist private school knowing that what was happening was wrong and feeling guilty daily! It was definatley not my shining moment! As far as petty gossip mongers- I decided that they were not important in my life and I didn't care what they did or didnt' think. They are nothing to me.
When I go out either with or without H- I hold my head up and make eye contact with people and act like all is well. (We live in a SMALL town!) I have confessed my sin, I have asked God to forgive me for EVERYTHING and my H to forgive me for my part in our M problems and I am taking steps to hopefully save my M. I can't worry about what other people are doing. Not to say that I didn't feel ashamed- I just had to decide to move forward and get past that!
And last but not least...the more time that passes the less people talk about it...AND- if you wait long enough someone else will do something more exciting or sinful and then all the gossipers will turn their attention from you to them! Kinda like the news...you will make headlines for a while but then the public gets tired of your story and needs more dirt so they dig it up on someone else!
Quote: Seems like some people have affairs (maybe most?)
Just a comment on that most part...I was listening to some audio tapes by Jamey Ragle (great christian speaker) and he said the 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Of the 50% that stay together 1/2 of those have been affected by one or both spouses having an affair! Very frightening...marriage is HARD!!!!
Quote: I guess the good news is we put a contract on a house exactly in the neighborhood we want! It's smaller than the one we have, but we can add on to it as we get our finances back in order.
Good luck on your contract- hope it works out! Hang in there and keep working hard!
Sandra
Never argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience...
Sam, what could I possibly add that would top the empathy and inight from Sandra????
Not much! But here's a tidbit...when I was a grad student, my mentor, the Prof I T.A.'d for had an affair with one of my fellow students. She was no innocent flower, she pursued him equally.
Thing is she got ME involved as she needed a confidante (I guess). He wanted to leave his lovely wife of umpteen years for her (she was married too), but she stayed with her H and had two kids. My mentor is still with his W, they have lovely grandkids, have parties, etc.
Thing is, as innapropriate as that was, too, it blew over. It's history. I think no less of Dr. J for his MLC, weakness, whatever.
