Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Can I post here ?

yeah, Mark, I'm afraid that many women don't find that very attractive. Sad, but true.

Puppy

Hi Puppy Dog Tails - What should my next step be..
Allow (OM) and G/F to pick up the rest of her things here Sunday??

Please as pleasant as possible..
He is a fighter type (truck driver)
Go dark with her??

I believe I ruined this (R) ?? Any suggestions .. Or Just move on ..Learn from mistakes and quit?

I want to tell (OM) wife so bad...

What is next move recommended??

I'm not Puppy but my advice would be: yes, let her pick up her stuff if that's what she wants. I'd be friendly, but no pursuing, begging, pleading, or anything doormat-related.

Re: going dark--I would say that's a good idea if that's a 180 from how you have been acting with GF. If you've been chasing, begging, pleading or anything like that. DR says if what you are doing isn't working, try the opposite & that makes sense to me.

You did not ruin this relationship, you may need to work on some issues as no one is perfect!, but your GF is the one that sounds like she is ruining your relationship with the OM. I have really had to work hard on this myself, not blaming myself but I have realized that is pointless and probably not true!!!

I don't think you have to move on and/or quit if you love your GF. You said the OM is married so doesn't sound like OM is the perfect guy to me!!! What I would recommend you may want to do is just working on yourself instead of focusing too much on your GF. Work on any issues that caused problems in your R and that you feel you need to work on. For example, in my case, I was a doormat, very dependent on my H, and depressed. I have been working on all these issues: doing good on the last 2 and still working on the first but I've improved!!! Working on being stronger, more independent, and happier (I see a C and take AD's) has really improved my PMA, confidence, and now I feel like if H decides to divorce me for OW then it will be his loss! I will be able to have a more positive, healthier relationship b/c of the changes I have made myself, whether with my H or not, and that is probably the most important thing to me.

Work on GAL: I joined a new church and am trying to fit in some of the church activities, I'm doing a play and that takes a lot of time, and I exercise a lot as I think exercise is really good for your confidence and PMA. But whatever hobbies you would enjoy and would give you confidence I think are good.

I know there are several on this board that will probably suggest telling OM's wife is a good idea, but I think if he is texting, calling, and spending as much time with your GF as you say she probably already knows (but OM's wife may blame you if you get involved)!!! I think GF & OM's relationship is most likely doomed anyway. Karen

Thanks Karen-

I can not Thank You enough for sound advise.. I am feeling like I am just floundering..

My confidence is so low - Are (R) was going great until (OM)come into the sith..

Items to work on -I have been doing some of that =- She responded - Wanted to join in-But including her - It came to complete stop with my 180 for myself..Then right back to the drinking with her-

She always brings up issues from over a year ago I believe she can't or won't seem to quit using that as a means to upset me.. She knows I haven't done anything once a problem is identified and has never been repeated again -But she when drinking -Brings it up..

She also recently when she is drinking - Brings up the (OM) and I can't seem to get hwer away from that topic.Until I get pissed and say ugly things about (OM).. Thens never fails - we split again for a day or so .. Brother Inlaw told me today - The (OM) has been to her house before.. On more than several times.. He thought I knew.. Made me swear to not disclose -It would be huge problems with him and her and inlaws..

Also she had told me - She was spending the night out of town with her (D) on Sunday ..Uhmm. Knowing what I know now? Sure - I didn't fall off truck -I jumped off truck .. Agree??

Can you believe G/F is still in complete denial about (OM)has claimed she hasn't talked or texted him in days..Nearly over a week.Even so -she I believe really doesn't understand when I tried to explain it as an (EA) with (OM).. She always goes to -That there is nothing wrong with what they are doing - (OM) has never even stepped out of line - I tried to tell her - Thats right - Before you can conquer -One must divide..

He knows - I can not stand him nor his presence around me..

I will try 100 % opposite behavior..
Allow him to remove her things from my house..
Everyone knows I am just crazy about her..

She is ruining the (R) ever sense I started warning her of this bad feeling about him and that I can see through it. That it wasn't good for our (R).. She and him started defending thier friendship.. It would make me so sick -I would tell them both and each-other alone- I was so wierd - Tring to hard to convince me -That it was that clear something wasn't right about it???


I kinda brought my mom into a few things today.. They never (G/F and my mom ) never really hit it off..

Like she suggested to me:

If all one sees are my imperfections and none of my good points.. Is that Love?

Also - Advise I gave my (D) once seems to ring so true..

She (D)called to me and told me me she was afraid she was over-drawn in her bamk account.. I told her - Well you have a B/F.. What would happen if you told him??

Would he say:
We have a problem and will work it out together?

Would he say - I will let you borrow the money to cover your loss- But you will have to repay me??

Would he say :
I dont have any way or means to help you ? What about your dad or another person you might be able to borrow needed funds to cover your loss?

If it is anything less than 1st -We will work it out together - Then review status of (R)..

Your thoughts anyone ??

Or should I just not be here - When they arrive and make it easy for them ..

Thing that bothers me the most

I am feeling as if I have loss my self respect..
Can't seem to find it again..

I know I lost her respect...
Don't know where - But she has been so cruel with her words to me..

Now her family and friends think -It our (R) is a joke or worse -I am the joke in our small town..
That is what I have been told today also .. It is so hard to hear that .. Any suggestions --

Your GF is having an affair with a married man, so I don't think most people (that I know anyway) would be thinking badly of you. If you GAL, work on yourself, I think most people will tell you stuff like they tell me: my H is crazy, an idiot, going through a MLC, etc.

I think not being there might be best for you, but if your stuff is also there, would she possibly take some of it? When my H moved out he took some things that were not solely his (mutually owned stuff)without asking me and you never know maybe she would take something of yours? If you're not worried about that, then I think it would be fine not to be there of course.

It sounds like a lot of your problems are when your GF is drinking (maybe she has a drinking problem?). Maybe you should try not to be around her when she is drinking as she sounds pretty unpleasant (from what you describe) while drinking. That isn't good for your self confidence or PMA. Also, at some point in my R, my H and I started a "6 month rule" that we could only bring up problems in our R for 6 months and then we couldn't bring it up after the 6 months. In a long-term R, after 10 or 15 years if you didn't do something like that, we could be bringing up bad stuff we had done around the clock probably!!! Karen

Karen,

Your right.. self pity party..

G/F is having an Affair with a married man and (OM) has small children.. Open marriage.. She goes her way and he does as well..

Whatever..

My closest friends to me are in fact saying those things to me.. Her brother Inlaw in-fact and sister....My friends I let go over a year ago and now they don't know me either any more..

They are kinda of a country (picnic table - under a tree group of beer drinkers type ) not that construction types are red-neck -I kinda feel like for some reason
I have wanna be red-neck and I am not ..

I am afraid though she will take items not belonging to her - So I will stay and monitor..

Thanks Again Karen..

Well, maybe that's what your GF and you have been told, but that may not be true, don't you think? My H is making out we are divorcing so his affair is OK (in his mind) but we were 100% married (still are actually) and he started the affair before any talk of divorce so I think he's full of crap!!! And even if they actually do have an open marriage, I still don't think that means OM is somehow more respectable or whatever for that. Just because his wife may be ok about his affairs, doesn't mean the OM has good morals or whatever!!! Plus the OM's wife might be agreeing to a lot of this because of the small children??? :(Karen

Oh Karen

We are on the same page 100%.. I am going to let her find out like I did.. On her own.. It will be their mess and not created..

It just amazes me -How G/F can do this ..

She was legally separated for 10 months with her(H) -
reason for their break-up HIS AFFAIR WITH HIS EX-WIFE??

WTH?

She has still not divorsed her (H) and recently told him and I (not toigether) but same day - As long as she can keep her medical VA benifits -She has no plans for continuing BD.. She told me that he also stated -Not like he wanted BD nor marry So it would be OK to stay married to each-other -But not together in any way.. I do know she wouldn't have 30 sec for me though..

But to start her own while with me ??

The more I continue to break this down -The more it appears -Just a large mess..

But I still have serious long term hopes thoguh and Love for her..

Also it seems she always would marry b/f (4x) as she would tell me - She had feelings of a concrete life with them and with-in 3-5 years -Truly colors would then come out and ruin it..
She is currently in 5 marriage now - But just postponed her BD with medical benefits..