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CBK,
I agree with Stella. If your W is trying to reach out to you, let her reach out. I understand that you didn't want your W to see you crying and that's one of the reasons you walked away.
As for snooping, I know it is such a difficult thing. It does become easier not to snoop when you finally come to the realization that it only ends up hurting you even more. My snooping led me to push H out the door, into the arms of OW which then turned into a PA. I was obssessed with wanting to find out what was going on with them. Each time I saw something, I would backslide and this would set me further away from my goals.

Thanks Addie. I have been reading the posting "Please help me! Wife wants out!" and it has been soooo helpful. I have been reading the trials and tribulations of Steve and saying, DON'T do that. Knowing there will be temporary set backs, I am so committed in making this work. Not becasue I need it, because I want it to, and if it doesn't, I will be fine and a better person in the long run. Now, only if I can keep this attidude... :-)

I have a question. I had told my W that there is a major restructuring coming down in my company. She kind of dismissed it when I got back from my trip. I just got off the phone and this will mean a possible major change for me - all good. Should I mention this to her or since I kind of already have, just let it ride out until the change actually happens or she asks me?

I have a mental sign in my mind - NO SNOOPING - this is my week goal. Also, no talks on OM, R or S. Focus on the positives, make me a happier person and woo my beautiful wife back to me after several months of DBing. Sounds easy - dang, I am in a lot of trouble.

Thanks again for the reply.

I don't see any harm in bringing up the restructuring at work, especially if it's a good change for you. Try and do it in a casual manner - when you happen to be in the kitchen or living room together. You can sound upbeat about it.

Great goals for the week!

I need help. I am a total emotional wreck right now. My wife has basically said we are done - she is in counseling to help her get past the OM and me and wants to be out on her own.

We went to counseling yesterday and anything I say, it helps her confirm that she wants out. What the F do I DO????

I need to start DBing, but I can't get going. She is out right now, not even sure when she will be home, but she said where she would be. I am going to go to the gym, but not real motivated.

I want to give her the space, not talk about R, OM or S - but God help me, I am not sure if I am strong enough. I am so totally in love with her. A good friend is a therapist that knows us both (our entire marriage) and he was shocked when I told him about the OM - very much out of character. Was I that uncaring toward her? I must have been as she found another temporary person to take my place. I am totally lost. I know I need to be more empathetic and LISTEN to her. That would be the 180 I need to work on.

We have a dinner party to go tomorrow night with a bunch of our married friends. They all know we are having M problems, but I don't know how to act. I want to talk to W about tomorrow night, but is that breaking the DBing philosophy?

I need so much advice. I really don't have a support network where I am because I refuse to talk about the A with other people that know us, I made the promise to W - but the first question I get is "did YOU have an affair" - I say no - they don't even ask about her (I travel a lot for work).

I just want to kiss her when she walks in the door, hold her hand, make love to her. We were having sex about a week before she dropped the bomb - it hasn't been real intamite for a while, very much like a chore. I knew this but we are horrible communicators. How do I get her to change her mind? How do I GAL at my age in a bedroom community when all our friends are married?

So lost, looking for answers.

Just got back from the gym - what a lonely place on Fridays! Had a good workout and got some emotion out which was great.

If anybody is out there, any advice would be helpful.

Well, just going to journal a bit. W got home about 9 tonight, her event ended at 8... I was downstairs when she walked in. We had small talk, asked how her event went, she talked for a few minutes and then asked what I did today. Left it to the basics, worked, home, gym and she just kind of shut up, so I went upstairs. I was dying to ask what she has been doing, but I know that isn't productive. I need to give her the space, I am trying to only talk about the day, back off, do the DBing. I want her to open up about her day so I can listen and ask questions about her - not the event. She will let me in when she does. My mood swings are vicous right now, but trying to control and keep my emotions in check.

So here I am, upstairs watching TV and her downstairs on her computer. Baby steps, so hard when you thing the other person has no desire to get back with you. But so many success stories. My wife seems like she has her feet dug deep into the sand. I guess I have to do one grain at a time.

Hi there fella,

Thanks for the reply on my thread. I am glad I can give you a bit of hope.

POints for now.

Your W is doing things for you, with you, and is thinking about you. Good.
Your W seems to know relationship with OM will end. Good.

You say that this will be a long journey, but have you REALLY accepted that fact. I know it took me a while. All your talk about OM with her can wait. It will happen. Just give it some time.
Think about 4 steps
Reduce the negative feelings.
Rebuild a freindship.
Introduce some romance.
Recommit.
Very basic I know, but basic is good sometimes.

You W wanting to be by herself without you or OM is exactly what my W said.
I dont know how much of my story you have read (I know it is a bit long and perhaps boring), but there seems to be some similarities.

I asked all my questions about OM before I found this site. Even asked for the details about the sex!lol. I plead insanity!

As regard to the snooping, I am a big culprit. I did it even though I knew it would hurt me. But remember you dont know the context of what you read.

You seem to like reading so here are my recommendations.
David Deida stuff. Way of the superior man. Think you would like that.
Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch
I love you but I am not in love with you by Andrew Marshall

Sign up for the newslatters from [censored] (.com) I bought this book as well. Helped me.

Be the man she fell in love with.
This is where I am now. I cant push my W and OM apart (well I could but I might get arrested for murdering the selfish bugger!)
SO I need to draw my W back to me.

Small goals are good, but dont forget the eventual aim either. I also had the goodnight goal.

If your W wants to come to you for a hug or a chat or whatever... let her. Be there for her. She wants you to be strong, she has brought up these things not to push you away, but wants you to step up to the challenge. She wants to know that she can trust you. She wants to know that she can push you but you wont fall down. If you fall down with her, how can you protect her from the rest of the world.
BE HER MAN!

Remember do you want to be `right` or be married!

If you love her, and I know you do, give her what she wants. It will hurt like hell. But it is only temporary. You are focused on your negativilty now. You want her to make you feel better. Go out and GAL. Make yourself happier, so you have the energy to give your W the space she needs. I am sure at some point or other you have either thought or said that you would gladly give your life for your W or your kids. Well what you need to do now is not that drastic, so gladly throw yourself into this knowing that you will BOTH come out of this stronger and happier.
Dont stop loving her. Use the time with the kids to your advantage. Plan a couple of family days out. Make them special, make some memories! Show your W that you are the man of the family.

With regards to your friend being married. Think that you will be doing those husbands a favour too. Help them to GAL, their Ws will probably like it.

Remember to look after yourself. Look good, shave. Smell good. Dress well. Think about James Bond! Yeah... thats right!

If all else fails, I always wanted to visit California, so I will come over and help you kick OMs ass, you can visit and help me with mine!

DONT tell OMs W. Tempting at times I know. But think of it this way. If you tell his W and she leaves him, then he is free to persue your W. Counter productive dont you think!

Dont know what meds you are take (you americans... sheesh! ) Try herbal things, St Johns Wort etc..

Thats it for now.

I only planned a short post!!

Cheers

Steve

Thanks Steve - I actually read your entire post - took me almost a day!

I know she saw the OM last night. From my earlier snooping - this is a snoop free week - she said she wants to see him to miss her so she wants to keep enough there that he remembers her. But she wants distance so they both know what it feels like without the other. Her to see if she is okay alone, him to see if he is okay with his wife. This was very difficult as it came right out of her journal which she accidentaly left out and I came home early from work - so the context is really her thoughts. She has totally checked out of our M. I know she saw him last night because she had a function at her work and was about an hour late coming home. When we did our small talk, she seemed very distant. I almost said that she seemed distant, but thought better of it and after small talk, walked away. Should I have said that she seemed distant? She said I am not caring about her, but I also don't want to pry.

Everytime I get the OM out of my mind, he creeps back in. I have been trying the "stop" technique, but it always comes back. I keep telling myself this guy is scum - it does help a little, but know W is in "love" with this idiot. I have resigned myself, well, at least today, that I will not contact this other person or his wife, or, like you, go and beat the living tar out of him, which is so tempting somedays.

When you say reduce the negative feelings - toward who? Her, the OM, Me - all of the above? I get very resentful toward her. I can't understand why, after 23 years, she is so committed to leaving the relationship? This is the hardest part for me to swallow.

I did say in the last MC that my short term goal was to rebuild our friendship, and I really do mean it. But how do you do that when the OM is in the pic? You had the same problem. She is so closed to me right now, it is tough to rebuild when it is so one sided.

The next two are not even in my sights right now.

I will go to the bookstore today and pick up some more reading. Thanks for the suggestions - I am sure they will be a great help.

I do want to step up - this is going to be my new full-time job as one of my friends said. I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and, like you said, "man up" - but God is that tough when you are convinced that the other person has no desire to be around you.

The only meds I take is Ambian to sleep. I was sleeping about 2 hours a night, haven't taken the last couple of nights though. Still don't sleep well, but getting better.

Thanks for your post - means a lot.

Another question for you all. How do act "as if" when my W walks in and I know she has been with the OM? I know it is EA right now, but still. She is out now, but when she comes home, the first thing I want to say is that she seemed distant last night, which she did. Is that okay to ask or is that pushing?

Does somebody have a magic want I could use? :-)

Sorry CB - no magic wand. I don't even have any great advice but I just wanted to throw in my 2 cents. I'm sorry you're hurting. I know exactly how you feel and there's really not much you can do to feel better. Time does heal. I know it's difficult but try to get your mind on something besides the OM and all the drama: movie or night out with the boys, dinner with your kids, take some classes at a local college, get involved with church, scouts, etc.

Ambien is so strong. Have you tried Tylenol PM? When I've had trouble sleeping I have taken Xanax. But you shouldn't take it long term. It's not a sleeping pill, just an anti-anxiety drug (which helps you sleep).

When you have contact with W, my advice - Focus on the friendship. Pretend she's a good friend. What would you say to him/her? Do not say "you seemed distant." You wouldn't say that to a good friend or someone whom you were just starting to date. Don't say anything that appears to be pressure. Remember, the OM isn't pressuring. He's probably telling her how wonderful she is. Maybe say, I love that red sweater you have on - is that new? Or would you like to join me for some pizza and beer before we go to bed? Or, bring up funny stuff - anything that will make her laugh.

Great advice from Steve. All of it. Absolutely NOTHING negative. Your words, attitude, tone of voice, body language, etc. You really do have to become a "different person." Act happy, optimistic (you can cry later when you go to bed alone). You have to become an "actor."

Yes, this is all difficult and painful. But, if you play your cards right, you may just win this game.

And go ahead and resign yourself to the fact that this will take some time. Try to do some things that make you happy by yourself in the meantime: the class on photography or cooking, the gym, your reading, etc. In the past year, since my GF left I have gotten my master's degree. I will graduate in August. It has kept me busy and given me something productive to do besides mope around, cry, thing about her, read about relationships ALL the time, etc.

Good luck. God bless you. K