In her book about recovery after being raped as a freshman in college, Alice Sebold says, "No one can pull anyone back from anywhere. You save yourself, or you remain unsaved."
Here is my imagery about being molested and trying to heal in the 20 years since. If I don't save myself, my marriage will not heal...
I am standing on the rocks at the edge of the rapids, knee deep in water. Trying to keep my balance. Someone pushes me in. I go tumbling down the river, swept away in a deluge of water, being dashed against boulders as I go. I look to the banks of the river for people who can help me. I find them, call to them, they look concerned and like they want to help. I ask for help.
One calls to me, “I’m going to throw you some food - you must be hungry - you’ve been in there for so long.” And they toss me food, but I cannot eat because I am drowning in the rapids.
I see another person who I think can help me. I call to them for help. They call back, “Here are some dry clothes - you’re all wet.” They toss me the clothes, but the clothes get wet when I catch them.
I am trying to swim. People are yelling at me, “You need to swim! You’re going to knock your head against the rocks if you don’t get control of yourself!”
I see someone else on the shore. They act concerned. I call for help. They say, “You’re drowning! I know how to help you! Take some deep breaths and try to relax. You’re not getting enough air! If you breathe right, you’ll be able to help yourself out of the water.” But I cannot breathe - the water keeps splashing me in the nose, gushing into my mouth - I cannot breathe.
I sputter, cough, gag, try my best to breathe and relax. But the water is pushing me. The water is in control. All these people on the shore know how to swim. They could do a better job if they were in the rapids. They think because of that, they can help me. They bask in my grateful gazes as I gain hope each time I call out, but they do not help me.
Eloquent and moving, Sam. I feel so badly for you, lost in those rapids. But what power comes when you find that you have it in you to swim and overcome! (Or maybe just some treading water to start? A little dog paddle?...)
Thanks, guys. I think clinging to a boulder is about all I'm going to be able to do for awhile. Had a 2 hour session with my consultant ($150/hour) and my lawyer ($365/hour). Lawyer was about 20 min. late, so that'll save me a little...Had to face AGAIN all that I've done, resist temptation to be mad at the people I went to for help with this, as this would indicate that I am NOT taking full responsibility for the horrible acts I committed...etc. etc. A left-behind-spouse's dream come true. Have to sign papers that will be public record that I committed these unethical acts of "sexual intimacy" with 2 clients, give up my license, pay money we don't have and may never have to be represented in these matters. Yuck. I am feeling VERY ANGRY. SBH called me during this meeting to tell me that the kitchen was a mess and there were ants crawling all over the place and how much longer would I be and what should he do about feeding the kids. When I got home he said he was angry, but now he's not, that was the old SBH, he's not angry anymore. Then he asked me about the first affair and sometimes he sees it as part of the same problem and then other times he sees it as separate and he wanted reassurance that I was sorry for that one, too, etc. etc. I did not and do not have the energy to be all contrite and apologetic and empathetic and nurturing and sorry and humble and remorseful. I am all those things. Can't he tell????? I'm sure all you LBS's will have plenty to say about how it's never enough, etc. Which I will listen to when I have less anger about this whole thing. RIght now I need some time to lick my wounds. Selfish, bad DBing or whatever.
Well, this has been a BAD DAY in DBland for the sadbuthopeful clan. But, it's ending ok. We had a good mean email fight. First one we've ever had. I think it was okay. WE're going to meet for "dinner" at Burger King and "family fun night" at Putt PUtt golf for D5's school. Half of what we pay to get in goes to the school. It's a cool idea - they do stuff like this a lot. Great school.
Sad said he could really use a "family night out." So my house cleaning will ahve to wait.
Hope everyone is doing ok. Here's proof you can have bad days and still come out the other side in love
Okay, it's water under the bridge, but Sad (I know you check in here, right?) you really could have backed off on the kitchen crisis while Sam was going through that hell!!!
I'm sure you realize that now. Probably just seemed overwhelming at the time, and maybe there was a little bit of "Well, she got herself into this....?". Perhaps, but it's still a harrowing experience to be SURE!
Glad you worked it out.
Hope you kick his butt at mini-putt! (Sorry Sad, but sometimes we ladies got ta stick together )
Hi guys....We played "speed putt" and had a blast...lots of fun we laughed a lot and had a great time.
My parents were here (still are ) and we saw Matrix Reloaded (not good!) and X2 (excellent!). And made chocolate-cherry mice (YUM!) and watched the race on TV without being interrupted!!!! In a hotel room with a whirlpool bath. It was like the old days when we had a little bit of money and NO KIDS. We love our kids, of course. Missed them, but had a good recharge your batteries weekend.
Gotta go check in on some folks and hope you ALL had good weekends!!!!
Thanks for stopping by my thread. Not a lot of action there of late (I feel something simmering so stay tuned) so it's nice to have a post when I check in!
Glad your weekend was a blast. Ahhhh my own getaway seems ages ago. I have a question for you regarding the niece of CJ who made those recent accusations when next you pop by.
and "family fun night" at Putt PUtt golf for D5's school. Half of what we pay to get in goes to the school. It's a cool idea - they do stuff like this a lot. Great school.
(Sorry Sad, but sometimes we ladies got ta stick together 
)