Divorcebusting.com

I just can't continue on this way. I don't feel depressed, but I feel hopeless and very, very sad. If I could have my M back the way it used to be, I would certainly choose that over ending it, but it feels like mission impossible. The weekends are so incredibly difficult. It's like living with a mute. Then Monday rolls around and I see him happily interacting with people at work (including OW) and he's the charming, charasmatic, kind man I fell in love with. With me he's so cold and detached. I definitely don't feel any love for him today, yesterday, the day before, the day before that... living with him is just too much for me.

At this point, I don't see any other way.

I won't "lose" my job, but I'll have a very difficult decision to make for sure.

Thanks for rooting for me. I do appreciate it.

Well, I think many of us are not that great at DBing. Today I was trying to go dim and failed miserably. But I listened to some of my favorite (cheery) music and did some cleaning, and do feel like tomorrow is another day. I find that DBing has been good for me: instead of focusing on H or how he is acting, I focus on myself, trying to improve myself and have fun, too. I think if you focus too much on your H you will def. get frustrated, b/c I think many of our Hs are going through depression, MLC, temporarily obsessed with an OW, etc. I don't think many of our H's and W's here even know what is going on in their own head, confused, etc., at least my H is in MLC and like that and I've read of many others here as well.

My H has warmed up slightly from last year, and is more of a friend now than a yelling person like last year. I think if our marriage ends I will have a healthier R with whoever, but I'm in no rush to do that for now.

I do think that whatever you really want to do and decide to do we here will support you! I would take time though and make sure you are making a decision that you can be happy about! Karen

Thanks, Karen. We must have cross-posted. I am just so tired of the silence. It's deafening. I sort of wish he was screaming at me. The cold silence is doing me in...

Plus, I have no escape. Home: he's there. Work: he's there. Maybe I should move out... get some space from him for a while?

Uggggh. I'm so conflicted!

My H is like that too: often cold & detached. It's frustrating but I figure my H has to act like that or my warmth and magnetic personality would suck him in again (and he's trying hard to resist)! Maybe it's the same in your case, too!

Moving out may be a little drastic, and I do think it is better to live together to improve the chances of working on your R when you are living together (although I know how hard it is!!!).

Have you been doing a lot of GALing? Like the play I'm doing is at least 30 hours a week so gave me time & space away from H when he was living here (and now visiting the kids). Obviously, you don't have to do that, but more activities, sports, or hobbies that will get you out of the house and away from your H might be good. Karen

G,

That's good advice from Karen. I'd also advise getting out of the house as much as possible on the w/e. I know what it's like to live w/ someone who acts like you don't exist: it is soul crushing.

Re. calling a L: If it would make you feel better to know what WOULD/COULD happen should you D, that wouldn't be a bad idea. It might give you some peace of mind. But I would suggest holding off on filing for 48 hours. Whenever I wanted to make big decisions like that, that's what I did. When I finally did go through with it, after 1.5 years of S, I knew it was the right thing to do.

~Nicola

Thanks for the advice, Karen and Nic. It's not falling on deaf ears. I just signed up for Salsa dance lessons for six weeks starting next Wednesday. I'll need to figure something out to keep me busy on Sundays - Saturdays are already busy, but Sundays are torture.

I still really feel like H and I need some space - like one of us needs to move out for a while. I don't want to be the one to have to move right now (since I won't be able to keep the house permanently on my own anyway - too $$$$) and I'm thinking of asking him for some space and letting him figure out what to do... I have an appointment with my IC tomorrow. I'll run it by him and see what he thinks. I'm just so exhausted from my efforts without getting the slightest thing in return.

Haven't called a lawyer yet, but looked them up in the phone book. Man, are there a lot of listings for attorneys...!

My Naughy Monkeys arrived today. Keeeeeeyyyy-ute.

I'm really loving Lost by Michael Buble:

Can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I only knew
Days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognize the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late

'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear to fall
I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly, fly, fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the world's crashing down
And you cannot bear to crawl
I said, baby, you're not lost
Mmm yeah yeah, yeah yeah
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
Ooh yeah yeah,
I said, baby, you're not lost

GFI....

Hey lady how're you doing today? I know how it is to feel hopeless, but don't give up. Keep doing what your doing for yourself.

I know that R talk should be avoided like the plague, but have you and H talked about anything recently regarding your M? What does he seem to want? I would not be in any sort of contact with OWM, he is just messing with your head and its the last thing you need. Don't sell your abilities and worth short, there isn't a company in this world that would fire you if they hooked up. Ususally there are more consequences for co-workers than not.

Before you make any decisions really think about what it is YOU want and what YOUR goals are. There is a reason that your H picked you, you just need to find the tools to believe that you are a wonderful, kind, warm, beautiful and worthy woman. You deserve the best. You have said many kind things about your H in your posts and have only just recently begun to realize your own self-worth. Keep GAL, you will find YOU and from what I've read, you are pretty damn special. Don't let anyone steal your joy.

Thanks for all of your posts and encouragement, you have helped me more than you can ever know. Thanks so much. Keep the faith

Grumpy, thanks so much for your post. If you ever need to get away from Bako, you're welcome to visit me anytime. It's only 104 miles away. (I actually grew up in Bako and went to school in, ahem, Oildale.)

I had an appointment with my IC today. It didn't help my anger dissipate at all. In fact, it was a little frustrating because I had to go through the entire situation from the beginning. The guy I saw today is my "regular" IC (I saw him last summer when I was concerned about my feelings of jealousy and several years back during my depression) but he’s been out since January and I was seeing his partner. I thought the partner would have brought my guy up to speed, but that was not so. Anyway, he said I should determine an amount of time that I'm willing to continue on with things as is. I don't feel like I can do it much longer.

I haven't had a talk with my H since late March. At that time he said he had a lot to think about concerning our future. He hasn't made any attempts at bettering our situation. He doesn't even thank me for cooking dinner and it's fueling my anger. I do have some things I need to clear up with him regarding his assumptions about my attitude if we had children together. Also, I want to express that I'm dedicated to our marriage - I made that commitment and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to improve our friendship and marriage - but I'm not infinitely patient and can't be the only one to want to take the steps to rebuild what we once had. We have BOTH made mistakes in our marriage and we BOTH must invest equally. I'd also like to express that I'm not willing to compromise my needs for happiness and I don't expect him to compromise his needs either. I just really feel like the ball is in his court and I'm tired of having to make all the first moves and reach out to him. I'm afraid my love is turning into hate... yikes.

OWM's sent me a couple texts and called my phone earlier today. I feel bad that I haven't responded, but I just can't get sucked in. I always feel a thousand times worse after speaking with him and I'm feeling bad enough as it is. I don't know what to do to turn my attitude around. Maybe a little retail therapy is in order...

Something I just read got me thinking...

Before I met my H, I had a nearly 10 year relationship (from 18 to 27+) with a man I loved very deeply. In my heart of hearts I knew we weren't right for each other, but I still loved him and was very loyal to him. When we went our separate ways, I was absolutely devastated. I didn't have any desire to date anyone for almost a full year. That's when I met my husband. My relationship with H has been so much more fulfilling than with my ex-boyfriend up until now. But what I'm thinking is maybe my last relationship prepared me for the relationship with my H and my relationship with my H is preparing me for an even better relationship somewhere in the future. I dunno. Just rambling thoughts. But sometimes I wonder if it's possible to love someone exclusively your whole adult life. Seems like so many people lose the spark, have affairs, drift apart, etc. or maybe they stay together but end up resenting their mate in the end. I sort of feel like I'm losing it a little.