Mike, Your wife is still with you in MC, she is being positive with you at home, and she is not being nuts like many women do during these situations.
In tennessee you must work together on a parenting plan. Both parents must attend parenting class (1 day 8 hours). Once agreement has been reached and signed by the judge, it is affective 30 days from that date.
In other words relax,you have a child together. You have at least 6 months and if you continue to focus on your own well being and do not let the D overwhelm you,you have a good chance of saving your R. It's not like she can't change her mind the day before it goes into affect..... quit stressing out and stay on task.
Where did you golf w/your son? I am driving the 90 minutes and playing Bear Trace tomorrow morning...... nothing like tennessee golf in the spring my friend.
Mike, Your wife is still with you in MC, she is being positive with you at home, and she is not being nuts like many women do during these situations.
In tennessee you must work together on a parenting plan. Both parents must attend parenting class (1 day 8 hours). Once agreement has been reached and signed by the judge, it is affective 30 days from that date.
In other words relax,you have a child together. You have at least 6 months and if you continue to focus on your own well being and do not let the D overwhelm you,you have a good chance of saving your R. It's not like she can't change her mind the day before it goes into affect..... quit stressing out and stay on task.
Where did you golf w/your son? I am driving the 90 minutes and playing Bear Trace tomorrow morning...... nothing like tennessee golf in the spring my friend.
Ian
Your right Ian. I just think, stress and worry too much about my sitch.
My wife and I talked a little last night. I have a car that needs to be repaired and the financial stress and worry is getting to me. We talked a little about that, touched on the R a bit, talked about mediation. Even talked about sex. Had a real good conversation. Talked about how we have not argued since December and how well we are working together. She tells me she is very conflicted and does not know what to do.
I feel if I could make peace with her mother, that would be a big step forward for me. I don't know how to go about doing that because her mother will not come to our house right now. Says I make her uncomfortable. Anybody have any suggestions on that.
I played golf with my S at Warriors Path State Park. I'm in upper northeast Tennessee. Tri-Cities area. There are some good courses up here. I'm playing only once a week now, trying to show my W that I put her and D first since that was one of her complaints.
I'm trying to chill out and not stress so much. Fridays and Mondays are hard on me. I have to retain an attorney this week so I'm hoping that's not a setback for me. I'm afraid when I get an attorney involved it will set me back and I'll be back to square one.
Ian, I appreciate you stopping in and giving me advice. Your advice calms me and makes me think I have a chance.
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 04/19/0804:57 PM.
Mike, Most lawyers in Tennessee will give you a one hour consult for free before you have to retain them. Call around and find one that does this. They will of course tell you how this is "going to happen and to protect yourself first". A load of crap,contrary to popular belief our lawyers only do what we allow them to.
My attorney understood clearly up front that she is to respect my wife and that she is not allowed to be a bulldog unless I tell her that is what I need her to be. It has helped with negotiations. It has also helped that I obtained a female attorney, consider it.
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Your advice calms me and makes me think I have a chance.
First off, thank you for the compliment. More importantly however, you do have a chance.You have a lot of solid signs from your wife and the two of you have shown the ability to speak calmly which is great.
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I feel if I could make peace with her mother, that would be a big step forward for me. I don't know how to go about doing that because her mother will not come to our house right now. Says I make her uncomfortable. Anybody have any suggestions on that.
I agree that the R with her mother will have to be better. However, you also dont want it to be "just to save your marriage". Look, think very clearly about her mom, what does the R that you want to have with her as her son in law? Part of mending that relationship may be that you need to own your part in its failure. You have some very clear opinions of your MIL and I am sure have made mistakes with her. Take ownership for those actions and at the same time let her know that you want to work through the issues between the two of you. It has to be for you though Mike, it cannot be for your wife.
I agree that the R with her mother will have to be better. However, you also dont want it to be "just to save your marriage". Look, think very clearly about her mom, what does the R that you want to have with her as her son in law? Part of mending that relationship may be that you need to own your part in its failure. You have some very clear opinions of your MIL and I am sure have made mistakes with her. Take ownership for those actions and at the same time let her know that you want to work through the issues between the two of you. It has to be for you though Mike, it cannot be for your wife.
Ian
Well, I've tried to apologize to her before for things and tell her I am sorry. She has never apologized to me for anything she has said. She is a very strong willed, independent woman. She was sexually molested as a child by her father so I know she has issues. She likes to manipulate people and uses guilt as a weapon. Everyone else in the family just lets it go and over looks her. Their attitude is "oh that's just mom." When my wife and I first met I tried to do things for my MIL around her house..I ended up being a gardener and house boy for her. I got tired of being insulted and fired back at her a few times. Of course that put my W in the middle and I suppose she felt like she had to choose. My MIL did not like me firing back.
I invited them up today, Mil and her boyfriend. I'm making Tequila Lime Chicken tonight. W says they won't come because they are uncomfortable. W says she does not want to push them. I told my W I understand.
Oh I know I own part of that failure. Problem is MIL will not own up to any part of the failure, never has. I suppose I will have to suck it up and take responsibility for all of it maybe..
I have discovered a lot of things about myself in the last week and I actually feel better about myself than I have since I was a teenager.
My 1st M and D really screwed me up. I was so bitter about it that I almost let it ruin my R with my S. I have almost let it ruin my 2nd M. Hell, I've almost let it ruin a bunch of relationships and friendships that I have had.
old Mike=Arguments, get pissed, withdraw
New Mike-No argument, be an active listener, ask questions to make sure I am hearing what I hear. Show and vocalize empathy. Just be a good listener. I don't always have to be right.
If nothing else and this may sound crazy..I've learned a lot about myself through this. I think I will be a better person no matter how this goes. I wish I would not have let my actions get my M this far in the hole. It was a hell of a lot easier getting in the hole than it has been getting out, If we get out that is.
Hi Mike, just checking in on you to see how things are going. I really don't have any information to give you on how to make your R better with MIL. Fortunately, I do have a pretty good relationship with my MIL, or at least I did, I guess it is still OK.
I can see that this will be a hurdle for you because your W is alot like my W in that they are really close with their mothers. Really, the only thing I can tell you on this is to sit down with her face to face and find out exactly what her problems are with you and see if both of you can come to terms on things. This is what I do in my job when I have coworkers or managers in conflict with one another, I know it's not family but it's the only way to get to the bottom of how these individuals feel and why they feel this way. Maybe someone else will chime in and give you other types of advice.
This is a website about servant leadership and how to communicate well. Check it out and maybe it can give you some ideas on how to communicate more efficiently with your MIL.
Hi Mike, just checking in on you to see how things are going. I really don't have any information to give you on how to make your R better with MIL. Fortunately, I do have a pretty good relationship with my MIL, or at least I did, I guess it is still OK.
I can see that this will be a hurdle for you because your W is alot like my W in that they are really close with their mothers. Really, the only thing I can tell you on this is to sit down with her face to face and find out exactly what her problems are with you and see if both of you can come to terms on things. This is what I do in my job when I have coworkers or managers in conflict with one another, I know it's not family but it's the only way to get to the bottom of how these individuals feel and why they feel this way. Maybe someone else will chime in and give you other types of advice.
Take care. Did you play golf today?
We have had a good weekend. I told a buddy today that every thing is normal except there is no intimacy, my wife sleeps in another bed and there are divorce papers out there..other than those 3 things I have the perfect marriage. We are getting along great, as a matter of fact we may be getting along better since December than we have in the last 6-7 years.
We hung out around the house yesterday. I cooked for us last night. Today my mother had a dinner, she always has one every third Sunday. My W and D did not go because a girlfriend of my W from SC came up to Asheville for a work conference..I told my W to take my D and go over there since she only gets to see her best friend a couple of times per year.
I told my W my mom and family would understand. My W ask about everyone when I got home, she was a little upset because she missed my mom's roast beef.
My W is downstairs making dinner for us now.
I worked out today, skipped on the golf, it's sort of cloudy rainy and cool here.
Hell, I really don't know what's going on. I have come to the conclusion she will either stay with me or D me. It's up to her really, I can't stop it. This has been one hell of a roller coaster ride and it's far from over.
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 04/20/0811:06 PM.
This is a website about servant leadership and how to communicate well. Check it out and maybe it can give you some ideas on how to communicate more efficiently with your MIL.
Ian
Thanks Ian, I will check it out. Hope your golf was good at Bear Trace.
Well, may have taken a step back today. I talked to my W this past weekend about taking a car we have, that I drive to work, to have some work done on it today. She was supposed to meet me at 4:30 at the auto repair shop. I only worked 1/2 day today due to my S24 being sworn in at a local police department. I attended the swearing in at 11:00 and had a 1:30 appointment with a local attorney to review the papers and answer the complaint. Well the attorney meeting went well and he told me his retainer was $2250. That's with a 25% discount through my EAP at work.I don't have a clue what his hourly rate was because I was too busy puking in the trashcan to ask. Anyway, when I left his office I decided that the car repairs would have to wait. I went by my W's office to tell her not to meet me at the auto place because I was putting the car repairs off. She asked why and I told her it was because the attorney retainer fee was so high that I could not afford the car repairs..
This did not go over very well. She wanted to know why I was getting such a hotshot high priced lawyer. Wanted to know why I was going to contest this and drag it out putting us both in the poor house..
Damn, beats all I ever seen. I was nice to her, never got rowdy, was respectful of her office and staff.
She says I dropped that on her on purpose, ruined her day, I should have called her on the phone and told her..what's the difference on the phone or in person, she's going to be pissed either way.
She's not pissed cause I stopped and told her. She's pissed cause I'm answering the complaint but she has left me no choice, the clock is ticking on me..answer or get a default judgment against me..
OK--whip out the 2x4's and let me have it if I did her wrong by stopping by her office.. I swear..I did not make a scene. We were in her office the whole time, talking quietly behind a closed door..I swear.
Mike, I don't see anything wrong with what you did myself. Your W needs to know how this is going to be on both of you, not just you. D will make a lot of sacrifices financially on both of you.
Don't worry, I about got the same line as what your W told you about your lawyer. My lawyer fee was $7000, W told me I must have got some hard nose lawyer for that price as the one she was going to get is only $3000. Well, I have put a hold on my lawyer, I figured if she wanted to file then it was up to her, I would not make the first move.
Hang in there, this is just her way of showing her side since things are not going her way at the time. You still have a lot to look forward to in my opinion, I don't see your sitch being over.
