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Thanks Grace...I do think about that to. Why does what he said then matter? The way he is he changes his mind from day to day and always means something different. I guess I just need not focus on that. I guess what it is is that I dont like how he is acting lately. He acts, well different. Not as talkative as before and well, I guess I could just attribute that to being Heartbroken...ugh. Whatever. It is hard to let go of all the thoughts. Very hard. But I am doing better at it.

I recieved a letter from our ins company this week that says they arent going to cover my H's therapy sessions. I havent given him the letter yet because Im afraid he will quit going if he finds out. They are like $120 each time. Maybe his therapist could write it up differently and file it again. I mean, he is on medication for depression and anxiety and INS covers the meds, why wouldnt they cover the therapy?

I would hate to see him stop going at this point. But I will give him the letter, even if I didnt, his therapist would probably let him know anyway.

kissak,

Does he have any kind of employee assistance program where he works? Sometimes you can get counceling (usually a limited number of sessions) this way and it's seperate from your ins. If not, I guess he'll have to decide how important he is.

I think his acting differently is partly b/c all this is new to him too (regardless that it was his idea) and he's trying to find his way. I know that while my contact with my H is very limited to non-existant, I think we are both trying to find ways to adapt and interact.

Kissak...I understand being tired...with 3 kids a new job...older, ailing parents...and the stresses of life in general...it was hard...I survived on my own for nearly 2 years...with most of that time being no contact with H by his choice...he said he wanted to be friends but I think he did that for my benefit because he always seemed to disappear for months at a time...missed many special events of our youngest, our only son that he was so proud of...he gave me no financial support...

Yet, despite all the odds...here we are...just last night he told me that he thanks God everyday for his wonderful wife...that's ME!!!...I tell him I thank God everyday for his return to the family...and me!

I am sorry to hear about the counseling...but your H needs to look at the big picture...if he is acknowledging his own issues then he will see the worth of keeping it going...also, sometimes you can negotiate with the Therapist as many get less from insurance anyway and will accept it from cash paying patients...another idea would to see if there are any support groups for persons with his issues and he could try that...the bottom line being what Grace said "I guess he'll have to decide how important he is."

Hang in there....Lin

Thanks Grace and LIN...

Lin, how exactly did you hang in there so long?

Yesterday was tough for me. I dont know why. It wasnt any different than any other day. Went to my son's ball game. At the end of it I had this overcoming sadness hit me. My H wanted to know what was wrong. I said nothing. Then after we were getting the kids situated he came over to me and said. I want to ask you something. Has your lawyer said anything about the figures I gave you. He was talking about his retirement stuff. I told him that I havent given her the figures because things keep changing between us so often that I didnt know what to do. He just told me it was up to me to do anything with the papers. ??? I kinda got a little upset but tried not to let it show. He again asked what was wrong. I told him that I just wasnt expecting him to ask me about the papers at that time. He said to me "well, I just wanted to know if the lawyer had checked out the figures and if they were right, just something I had been wondering about".

So, we left the game and he tried calling me again and asked if I was ok. I just told him point blank....I missed him and wanted him to come home. All he said was "I know". I really didnt say much else. But had to say that much.

Im just down today. Wanting to cry some more.

Pretty much I didn't try and figure out what H was doing or thinking...so there was no choice...I had filed for D but delayed it...why???...not really sure...I just kept hoping that if nothing else H would return to his faith and be there for the kids...

Also, when H did return...I accepted him back sooner then I had planned or should have (my D was upset with me as she wasn't ready to have her dad back in the house)...it was well over a year after he was home that he was able to tell me that he loved me again...this came 3 months after his last email contact with OW...I think that was the turning point...he finally had closure with her, knew she was in a R and happy...he hadn't ruined her life after all!...that was when he really started focusing on me and reigniting the love we once had for each other...

During all of this I really focused on me...being happy on my own...GAL...being with my kids...not that there weren't days like you describe where you feel sad...the tears roll...I think that is normal even after a year or so of them being "gone"...

All I can say is the time that we had apart did us the most good...it allowed him to see how much he was in trouble emotionally and it wasn't caused by me like he thought...I was able to see that I didn't NEED him in my life...that I could make it on my own (he wasn't paying support at all)...I felt stronger in many ways...

I have now seen two of my dear friends break-up...one of them just back together after over a year apart...no OP involved just a major depression/MLC on the H's part...the other couple...the H was there for my son while my H was gone...and now he has left his W of 5 years...it is so sad because she doesn't understand...and she really doesn't see how he could do this after being there with my family...I believe it is a QLC...she doesn't know if there is anyone else...she is struggling day to day...it has been rough for her the past 9 months...I keep encouraging her but I am also supportive of her as well...Watching both of these couples there was no way for me to see if they would/will return to each other...I understand the confusion...they appreciate that...and they had/have hope because of how things worked out for us...so I pray for them everyday...

Just keep enjoying your life, Kissak...and leave your H to figure his out...Lin

Thanks Lin....I have seen many people splitting up around me. Sickens me really. "I just dont love you anymore" is what they all hear.

Im trying to enjoy my life. I really am. But there are days, like yesterday that I miss my family. I chose to stay home yesterday....alone....bad idea. I just cant be alone like that for too long. It really brings me down. I thought I could handle it. Being by myself and relaxing....no, it just gave me time to think about things being different. I cried right much last night. Then on my way out to church I saw my H's truck at the OW's house. Made me sick to my stomach. I tried however not to blow up. I had no reason to. We arent together and he can do as he pleases, but it tore me up inside.

I broke down after I picked up the kids from him after church. I called him. Found out he left our kids with his roommate to go to the OW's house to "get something" so he said. She had gotten them somethings from a flea mall while she was visiting her sick mother.

Why cant she just go away?

I asked my H what he had been thinking the last couple of weeks. I was curious to if he and the OW were back together. I wanted to know something...anything...what was wrong with me yesterday??

He called this morning to talk to the kids. I was laying down. Didnt sleep well last night. When he asked to speak to me my D said she told him that I probably didnt want to talk because I wasnt feeling good. So he told her to tell me that he hoped I got to feeling better. They went off to school and about 10 minutes later my phone rung....it was my H. He wanted to make sure I was feeling ok. He wanted to know what was wrong. I just told him I didnt sleep good last night. We talked about the kids schedules for the next couple of days and i told him good bye.....at least he cared enough to call back and check on me.

I SO WANT THINGS TO CHANGE!

Patience, time and more patience and time....

I dont want to do this anymore. What do I do? I have the separation papers...do I have them looked over and sign them and give them back to him?? I dont know if I can. Dont know if I want to. He isnt really asking for them.

Just having a bad couple of days.....pmsing I think.

Still not in the best of moods today. Decided to go dark on my H for a while. I hate the fact that when Im down, he seems....up. I think he is messing around with the OW again. Sucks, but knew it would happen. Of course he says he isnt. Going dark will be a bit easy for a while. He will be gone for about a week on business. Tonight may be the last time I see him for a couple of weeks. He wont have the kids this weekend or on his night next week. Should be easy to avoid him. If I could just get away from the phone calls. Not answering is hard. Of course he would probably only want to talk to the kids.

He called this morning. Asked my D if I wanted to talk to him. I said no. He asked my D if I felt better. I said no.

Why am I doing this again? Why is it affecting me again? I just want to cry all the time. Last night I was back to laying in my bathroom floor in tears.

I dont think friendship with this man will happen.

(((((kissak)))))

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place right now. If being alone makes it worse, by all means gt up and out and stay busy. I think we all spin in and out of the darkness with this mess (I know I do), I only know what works for me and the biggest help is walking. You should see th miles I rack up on Sunday's.
Anyway, if not talking to him helps, now is probably your chance. Of course you realize you never have to say much if you don't want to. It doesn't mean you have to come off as pouting, just be in the middle of something (even if it's picking your nose works for me ).

You need to give yourself time before you'll know if you even want to be friends with him. I know that right now I'm angry b/c of difficulties D13 is having and I had a hard time just letting him know (sent e-mail). I don't expect to hear back from him regarding this at all. I'm nice when we talk, but he doesn't put any effort into contacting me. So I deal with myself and D's as best I can. You are too. Give yourself some credit. It'll get better.

Thanks for replying Grace....He did call me today and wanted to know if HE was the reason I werent feeling good? Uh? Anyway he knows Im not in a talking mood right now. I dont want to talk to him and i dont agree with what he is doing to our family. I have to find a way to deal with it all. Walking is good, but i wouldnt be able to walk alone. That is all I did in the beginning of all of this and I would cry the whole time. SO I have found out I have to be around people all the time. OR on the phone to a friend. Something.

Ugh, I know he misses me. He has told me that. He knows I miss him too....so I guess time and patience is what I need more of.

I wonder sometimes though if it is HIM I miss or the DREAMS I miss of "family".

Walking helps me sort those kinds of questions out Kissak. Maybe you can walk while talking on a cell phone with a friend? I double bonus....exercise and friendly convo.