Hi, I just wanted to let you know I have spent the entire evening trying to read most of your stitch. Honey, you are no longer a "newbie"....lol. Gosh, it has been an amazing story to say the very least! I started out trying to make notes to remind myself what I wanted to go back to to comment on and then I would read further to see how you dealt with that....so eventually, I stopped with the note taking and just read until I gave out...lol.
I think the fact that you stopped by and visited me on my thread and had some kind things to say has a lot to say about you as a person. Although I was almost a WAW and I did have an EA with a man on line that I have never met in person........however the man was not married and had been divorced many years. I'm not trying to justify my turning to him for emotional fulfillment, but I just wanted you to know that I was not breaking up his marriage.....however, I was breaking up my own M by my actions.
I don't think I could have ever done what you have if I had been in your shoes.....but it looks as though it has paid off. I do believe this OW is going to hold the court thing over your H's head and drag it out as long as she can, b/c that is all the leverage she has right now. She knows she has lost to you, so now she is just revengeful. I'm no expert in this, but perhaps if you could not bring up the subject or even her name to your H any more than is absolutely necessary....it would be to your advantage. I think he is so bummed out over her and the fear of her bringing a law suit against him. BTW, how bad was she hurt?
I can't believe she is still calling YOU! I think I would refuse to talk to her. She just wants to push your buttons and place doubts into your mind like she did when she suggested that your H was cheating on both of you with another OW! And how she was like trying for the two of you to get chummy and side against him.....that was all a part of her game b/c of her desperation. I'm glad that you were smart enough not to fall for any of that.
When she sees that she cannot interfere with you two and that you and your H are going to move on and live your lives without her in spite of any actions she tries.....I believe she will finally throw in the towel.
I also applaud you for not stooping to her level in trying to win you H's attention. Showing more class always works for that person's advantage, and clearly the OW had as low class as you can get! It is MHO that H's find women that are lower class and much different from their W's to make them (the H) feel better about themselves. It's kind of like women that put others down to make themselves look better.....know what I mean? It is a sign of low self esteem and I think that is what a lot of H's do when they have an A with that caliber of woman.
I know myself well enough to know how hard it would be to keep my mouth shut about the OW calling, etc. or whatever her latest game play was.....but your H is weary of it all and now I think he is looking for peace. I believe he needs you to help him have peace in his own home, so if you could refrain from bringing up the subject of the OW.....I believe it would be very good (and you would be a saint!)
I have not had experience with the drinking problems and I don't want to sound "preachy", but I really am concerned that he is not going to make it in a MR or in any area of life until he gets help with the drinking problem. It sounds very serious to me and has caused so much heartache for both of you. I'm sure he knows this but now it is beyond his control. Do you think he would get on a program or take that medicine that was mentioned? I had not heard about that. Sounds effective, but I bet it is a scary feeling if it makes you feel like you are having a heart attack if you drink.
Anyway, I wanted to reply to your stitch and let you know that I was interested and did read it and I think you are probably one of the strongest women, in your own right, that I have ever known as far as hanging in there and not giving up. That has got to be an encouragement to many people here on the board and you will be able to help others from your own experiences.
Oh, before I go....when I was reading your first couple of posts when you talked about your H criticizing you for not wanting to have sex and that your sex drive was lower than his, etc. I went through that for sooooo many years, and it does do something to a woman....it does a lot of things to her. I am happy for you that you were able to overcome that. There is another poster or two on here that went through a similar stitch and made a complete turn around and her H didn't know what to think about her either! Well I could talk a lot longer about all of that, but it's too late at night. Maybe another time.
It's late and this ole gal has got to hit the sack. Take care and hope to talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'll confess, I haven't read your entire history like Sandi. But I've skimmed enough to have a feel for it (thanks for the recap, that really helps!) I agree, you've shown a lot of strength and courage, and you are to be commended for that!
First question: Why are you and H talking to this Crazy OW? (COW for short I guess! ) You know the drill: You can't control what someone else does, but you can control how you react to it. So, fine, you can't stop COW from calling at all hours of the day and night - but you certainly can refuse to answer the phone. (If you don't have a phone that shows you who is calling, that should be at the top of your shopping list!) You are giving her a real "payback" by answering her harassing phone calls, and by talking to her - and all you are getting in return is aggravation. So take back some control of your relationship with COW, right now, and stop picking up that phone! If it keeps ringing at 2AM, unplug it until morning. You are only at her beck and call - if you choose to be.
Second question: Wow, your H's alcoholism really scares me. I don't have personal experience with this kind of thing, but the amount of drinking you are describing is just completely "over the edge" IMHO. I'm sure it is going to take even more strength and courage for you do deal with this - but I just don't see how you can put that off forever. How does this issue "sit" between you and H? Most importantly, do you think you can ever get your M on a solid footing while this is still going on? On top of that, does he know you believe he needs help? Have you talked to him about the medicine? Does he expect that you will force the issue someday - even if you aren't ready to do that yet?
Many hugs to you! Rob
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I fully agree with Rob, this OW has had the power much too long....and she knows she has all the control....that's the real sting here! I think the ideal of a phone with caller ID is great. She knows she has your H over a barrel, but maybe it is time to man-up and take whatever comes.....he can't go on forever living under the fear of what she may or may not do. That would drive him to drink worse! I know that is easy for me to say and harder for you all to have to actually live in it....don't mean to sound like I don't have any compassion.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I see you are getting some awesome advice from rob and sandi; they are very wise and caring...
I have a question...about your h's drinking, have you sugested that maybe some counseling would be helpful for him? Sometimes a person has to hit there "bottom" to realize that they need help, and it sure does sound like your h has hit his..
You are in my prayers sweetie, and I will check in as much as I can!
I wanted to wait and respond to everyone when I really had the time to devote ...
Rob, COW is my new name for OW! LMAO! It's very fitting for her.
As far as giving her so much control ... my H has insisted that he needs to keep things amicable with her because of the legal sitch. At first, I saw that as total BS and it was just a reason to continue contact with her. Actually, at first it probably was! But as time has gone on, I sort of understand. However, I think things probably could have been handled differently.
As far as her phone calls, I do not answer the phone every time she calls. 98% of the time I do not. Neither does my D14. I've probably talked to her on the phone 6x in the past year. And only had an actual conversation with her on 3 of those calls.
Most of the time, I do just let the phone ring. Once I even unplugged the house phones for awhile. She does her calling marathons usually when she's drunk and can't reach my H.
Sandi, I don't really talk about OW alot. That's one thing I've done real well! Why? 1 - Just giving H his space. 2 - Didn't really want to know! I ask or talk more about her now but not too much. I know he has appreciated the "peace" I have given him the last few months. When COW ( ) has been on her worst rampages, I would be calm, cool and collected. I know this has been very supportive for him.
I can see now that this accident was both a blessing and a curse for our sitch! Someone asked how badly was she hurt. Pretty bad, but not critical (I don't remember the specifics). Both of them were taken to a small hospital after the accident. She was flown out of there to a bigger hospital. My H was not.
And now do I have to talk about the drinking? That's one area that I feel I have no control over. And it's killing me. He knows he has a problem. He knows I'm concerned about it. He knows our D14 is concerned, too. Does it stop him? No. Because he's an alcoholic.
If anything positive comes out of this accident, it will be the fact that he's going to have to face his problem and get help. I can't make him do that.
Do I think we can ever get a good solid footing if his problem does not get addressed? No. If he doesn't get help, he's looking at escalating health problems. And it will only be a matter of time before he gets another DUI, etc. I know it. For now the drinking is the elephant in the room that is being ignored. But it's only a matter of time before it starts to get really stinky.
I do know that the current stress level in his life is making it worse, too. I'm waiting it out. But I know I'm going to have to face that elephant one day.
Yoyo ... there is a legal status hearing for my H next week, it if it's not postponed yet again! In 3 weeks, it will have been a year since all this happened. UNBELIEVABLE.
Liz ... He's gone to a couple AA meetings. I also suggested a counselor. The fact of the matter is the court may force him to do that. It's just taking too long! I know from what I've read that he has to want to get help. Sometimes even hitting rock bottom doesn't wake them up. Sometimes when they hit the bottom it's too late...
Thanks everyone ... I hope I responded to most of the points brought up!
She knows she has lost to you, so now she is just revengeful.
I think he is so bummed out over her and the fear of her bringing a law suit against him.
When she sees that she cannot interfere with you two and that you and your H are going to move on and live your lives without her in spite of any actions she tries.....
I believe she will finally throw in the towel.
Sandi, Went back and read your post again. I can't believe you read all my crap! It's quite a long read, huh?
But YES to everything you said above! I think she has realized that she's 'lost' and she has pretty much thrown in the towel. She keeps saying she's going moving out of town. I can't wait. H is not real happy about that because she's needed for the legal sitch. I'm perfectly willing to paying for airline tickets for her if needed for any court hearings. Let her get the h3ll out of dodge (and in the process abandon her family and her M -- which has been in the toilet for years apparently).
Sometimes this whole ordeal leaves me feeling hopeless. But I know we've come a long way in our R, and I've come a long way, too. We still have a long way to go ... but I will make it.
I love Yoyo's signature ... when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. That's exactly what I've been doing. Hanging on for dear life!
JoieDeVivre, you are an amazing strong woman to stand by your H's side throughout all of this. I do not honestly think I could do that. I am not one that can give you much advice about the drinking since I have not had to experience that before. But, if you two can beat this OW in the courts, I hope that will give your H some incentive to work on his drinking. If he seriously understands the damage it is doing to the M and even to his R with his daughter......maybe he will. If he doesn't...then you may need to consider a family intervention. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. If you choose to stay with him even with his drinking problem, I hope you will go to that support group for the families of alcoholics.
God bless. Take care of yourself and keep hanging on.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You do have so much on your plate, but with you still hanging in there shows just how strong of a person you are! You do need to know that it is sooooo true, not many of us would be able to endure what you have...my stich is not even comparible to yours, and I at times wonder what the heck I am still in the M for. You are a awesome lady, I can sure can learn alot from you!!!!
My love and prayers are with you...and I know for a fact...no matter what happens in your R/M...you are going to be blessed!!!
Sometimes this whole ordeal leaves me feeling hopeless. But I know we've come a long way in our R, and I've come a long way, too. We still have a long way to go ... but I will make it.
~Beautiful.
Yes you will make it because you are an amazing Woman. You have made it this far... Nothing can stop you. There are no impossibles when you set your mind to it. Like someone once told me shes trash set her out of your mind and give her no thought.
~.............if it makes you feel any better like you told me yesterday..............~
MY H got a Tattoo with OWs name. Right smack dab over his heart.... LOVELY. Took him til last summer to cover it * almost a year after Reconciling..... DOUBLE And if I look real hard I can still see her name. Wont bore you with how hard that was to get over. You can do this she is insignificant ~deal with the legal stuff when you have to and when you dont put her out of your mind. My H also had a drinking problem ~ their way of "coping" .
You have to lovingly distance yourself from it. And know that only he can stop if he really wants to . Be strong and supportive of him but know it is not your fault. Know you cannot change him. It will only feel like you are beating your head against a ROCK.When he hits rock bottom like my H finally did then maybe he will get better. In the meantime try not to let it break your heart so much. I know ....
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY easier said than done. You are in my prayers. All my best to you love, you can and will get thru this. God bless....
But I've skimmed enough to have a feel for it (thanks for the recap, that really helps!) I agree, you've shown a lot of strength and courage, and you are to be commended for that!
) You know the drill: You can't control what someone else does, but you can control how you react to it. So, fine, you can't stop COW from calling at all hours of the day and night - but you certainly can refuse to answer the phone. (If you don't have a phone that shows you who is calling, that should be at the top of your shopping list!) You are giving her a real "payback" by answering her harassing phone calls, and by talking to her - and all you are getting in return is aggravation. So take back some control of your relationship with COW, right now, and stop picking up that phone! If it keeps ringing at 2AM, unplug it until morning. You are only at her beck and call - if you choose to be.