Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy W said it was over w/OM...don't think so

I don't think that is weird. I feel the same way! The OW in my sitch was a friend and her d14 went to preschool for 3 years with my S14. The OW is now divorcing, but was married with kids, and my H of course is also.

I think from my sitch and others I've read about here, many of the OWs and OMs are dysfunctional; many seem to have lots of problems. I guess that's why they are more willing to have affairs with married people and married people with kids. If they were normal, they wouldn't do the stuff they do! I think that is prob. a big reason why they say 90% or so of these affairs fail (plus my H was kind of in fantasyland about how separation/divorce would be so wonderful for everyone?!?!). I think my H is having an MLC too, so hope he will come out of that at some point also! Karen

My WW has expressed the same type of thing. We can still be a family, we will just be in different households. Like as if all the holidays and family gatherings will still be the same. Amazing.

The hits just keep on rolling! I guess I opened a pandora's box with the spy business. So my best guess at this point is she has been sleeping with and/or "fooling around" with OM(1) Today's recording revealed she has met another guy OM(2)and is meeting him tomorrow for lunch. I heard a call to her brother asking for advice on how to tell the new guy she is M & has kids. She was all excited about the date as she called it. I am having a hard time deciding what to do at this point. I read in another post here about a guy who embraced the split, became his W's best friend & supported her in everyway, including moving out and dating (I think). They eventually reconciled and lived happily ever after...Sounded like a good approach. I want to tell her my gut is still telling me there is something going on. (which it has been b4 the recordings) and basically give her freedom to date or whatever. Work my ass off on me and what I need to focus on, be the better man and then live happily ever after. If it were only so simple huh?
As I think more I am getting pissed off that she have given up on us. That her commitment to marriage was a load of BS. When I said "I DO" I meant it for my life. I think she meant it so long as everything was easy and fun. Right now, & last 5 yrs have been the worse in "for better or worse" I know I will get back to what I once was, she does not have the faith in me or even hope at this point.
What sucks, is I hear it in her voice when she talks to me. Her sorrow, her misery, and disappointment. W/the recordings, I hear her perky fun playful side I have not heard in years. I am not so hot on telling OM(1) S about any affair at this point. Plus I have to locate them first. I was considering showing up at the place they plan to have lunch tomorrow and pretend it was a chance encounter. I am never in that area and it would be obvious I was out of place there. This sucks. Calgon take me away!
The gym helped tonight I worked my ass off and then broke down in the car driving home. Screaming at the top of my lungs what I was feeling etc. Called her names, begged God for help, you name it, I yelled it. Sobbed for a bit, pulled myself together and came here to vent some & just get it out.
Okay, it's late time for a quick snooze B4 it's time to get up...or one of my kids needs something.

Just reading this I wonder if your W is having an MLC? My H seems to be going through all the stages, Anger, Replay, now some depression too. Maybe your W is in the Replay stage with the affairs she is having or thinking about? If you think so, you may want to check out the MLC section here and the resources thread.

I found reading about the stages of MLC to be very interesting and there is a chapter from DR posted about MLC that was esp. good also. If you haven't read DR, I highly recommend that of course! Hope you are having a better day today! I find keeping myself busy, spending time with the kids, and doing things I enjoy really helps! Karen

Doing my part,

Brother I/We are walking the same road - Seems like no-where to turn .. Well wrong -

See you are seeking the support and help.. Here with us.. Post, Scream, cry - We have all done it or are continuing to feel and suffer the same pains..

I have been given the best advise -I could have ever gotten - from anywhere.. So again you are finally home with those who feel your pain and desire the best results possible..

So - it is my turn to attempt to help ..

1) You are correct..Give it to the LORD.. Changage him to guide you into living in his will and way - You have fallen - Please carry you and your burdens into his hands - HIS CONTROL..

2)Work on you 1st.. Not for her - but like YOU stated-
"I WILL EVENTUALLY FIND MY OLD SELF-AGAIN.. "
Well start finding that person - Right now- today .. Is it tough - Damn Skippy..

3) Keep going to GYM and work it off.. AGAIN -YOU ARE CORRECT- When in private - Scream , cuss, call names whatever-
BUT GET IT OUT OF YOU - ...

4) Place blame on (W) as the (1ST OM)is only pressuring and wandering through available doors being opened by (W)and he is doing only what comes naturally..

5)Indentify - Why is she allowing new doors to (OM)'S ??
As you stated - You know or feel she doesn't think you will succeed and change ? But why -

WHY - We men and woman forgot our roles .. Here is what I am saying -
She wants a MAN
She needs a Leader
She desires a PROTECTOR
She wants to laugh and be young again -IN LOVE -
We all need EXCITEMENT in our LIFE..
When we feel tramp - bored - stuffed - We forget our very natural instints ?? WHY ? But Our partners - Like being Naughty, it will bring on Attraction again.


I find it hard to believe - You were a lazy - No load SOB -She was attracted to - She she met you??

I am sure you were funny? You where confident ..You had goals and

Doing my part,

Brother I/We are walking the same road - Seems like no-where to turn .. Well wrong -

See you are seeking the support and help.. Here with us.. Post, Scream, cry - We have all done it or are continuing to feel and suffer the same pains..

I have been given the best advise -I could have ever gotten - from anywhere.. So again you are finally home with those who feel your pain and desire the best results possible..

So - it is my turn to attempt to help ..

1) You are correct..Give it to the LORD.. Changage him to guide you into living in his will and way - You have fallen - Please carry you and your burdens into his hands - HIS CONTROL..

2)Work on you 1st.. Not for her - but like YOU stated-
"I WILL EVENTUALLY FIND MY OLD SELF-AGAIN.. "
Well start finding that person - Right now- today .. Is it tough - Damn Skippy..

3) Keep going to GYM and work it off.. AGAIN -YOU ARE CORRECT- When in private - Scream , cuss, call names whatever-
BUT GET IT OUT OF YOU - ...

4) Place blame on (W) as the (1ST OM)is only pressuring and wandering through available doors being opened by (W)and he is doing only what comes naturally..

5)Indentify - Why is she allowing new doors to (OM)'S ??
As you stated - You know or feel she doesn't think you will succeed and change ? But why -

WHY - We men and woman Forget our roles ..
Here is what I believe she is telling you ??
She wants a MAN
She needs a Leader
She desires a PROTECTOR
She needs you to listen more closely ..
I am sure she didn't wake up one day - Find someone and do all that in one day.. ? Did she ?
She has for sure been talking to you - We men hear everything different than what (woman) are saying -
Men work off of LOGIC
Woman work off emotion -

The following advise below in my opinion only ..
My solutions were taken from makin gher happy dot com

I bought the online book .. To save my (R) and in 2 short days of following it to a T-Wham - She is where I always wanted and in my life never had another HUMAN before.. GFor us it is working TODAY..
It is my hope - We as a couple continue working on our self's and also re-creating the attraction - Allowing time in this 2nd honeymoon - She is really talking to me from her heart.. I am from my heart talking with her .. She brings it to me.. Seeking the answers and my thought's on OUR solutions .. My G/F wants and needs that man to guide her safely ..
I hope it doesn't hurt - It will though - But remember it must get a little worse to get any better - NO PAIN - NO GAIN..

Why then are you doing that now to her..Working from emotion?
It is obvious to her you love her - YOUR NOT CHEATING ..
I do not believe any woman wants a man on emotion .
How can you protect her - If she gets upset and you do to..
Instead of being a Leader and guiding her though to safety ??
Isn't that what she needs from ANY MAN..
She wants to laugh and be young again -IN LOVE -
We all need EXCITEMENT in our LIFE..
SAFE IN A MAN'S HAND..
Men place their hands into the LORDS hand to guide us men !!
When we feel tramp - bored - stuffed - We wonder off and look around for this basic HUMAN needs ..

But remember this - I saw it here on the bottom of a poster-
THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER OVER THE SEPTIC TANK ?? We forget our very natural instincts man or woman?? WHY ? But Our partners - Like being Naughty, it will bring on Attraction again.It will provide then oppty to work on everything.. most importantly - your self 1st THEN your(M)and (R) ..
OM's then become less attractive - and your her focas..
Be mysterious with her.. I only had to go dark a few days -THANK GOD !! -I was falling apart and hand shanking uncontrolable..

I am still onward with my 180 and GAL .. It no matter what is for me - I ask her to come along - If she isn't their when it was time - I left her - Why ?? It is for me now - Not her ..


So I find it hard to believe -
You were a lazy -
No-load SOB -She was attracted to - When she met you?? NOT !!!!
I am sure you were funny?
You where confident ..
You had GOALS and DIRECTION and FOCUS
She wants to know you will place every ounce of effort in the proper place - Fighting for HER .. Not him..
It will drive her to him even more - It may seem like control issues from you towards her and THEM..

So be your OLD SELF - GO FIND IT TODAY ..
If it doesn't work -Then at-least -Look how far it will down a new heathier road you will be?? Not her - YOU !!!

My G/F has called me and is already back - Thinking of me all day and calling me -This is what I had before - That is before my G/F (OM) ..

I haven't posted this update on my thread yet..
But I again am following the heart felt advise given to me from others on this board and chasing every lead I find though reading successful stories found from her and others pains found here and their solutions .. If someone here recommends a book - I google it and attempt to see - If it brieftly could help me ??

We all want ot drive and live in the best of everything - So do we follow though who have never achieved it - or do we follow the proven method and study it - think on it try it ??

Brother -I / we on this board are here for each-other - So
keep doing the things you are now -
1St here for suport and understanding and possible solutions

Work on your self .. I recommended a book earlier in this post .. Take a chance and glance over it .. If it works for you -Then try it .. Place your burdens upon the LORD -Get rid of it before it gets rid of you..

Think out the box- OR -let the box take you to the GRAVE..

Come on - You will do it ..

Your Brother and I remain Very Respectful (V/R),
Mark

I actually consider "snooping" ok under certain circumstances.

1. The unfaithful spouse has not done everything they can do rebulid trust with their spouse (still keeps other person around as a pet etc)
2. The unfaithful spouse has been caught lying after ageeing to reconcile.
3. The information collected is used to measure divorcebusting progress rather than to condemn the unfaithful spouse.

I think the biggest concern is that the spying will result in the betrayed spouse losing control, getting depressed, or lashing out at the betrayed spouse.

This information that was collected DID help him understand what the spouse was up to whereas the spouse wasn't being informative...she was just being evasive. It is often the case that the unfaithful spouse wants to sweep the affair under the carpet. this is NOT a good approach - its got to be dealt with.

From my reading here the affair isn't over, it has just calmed down a bit because its been exposed.

Read Shirley Paige's "Not just friends"...fabulous book.

I also forgot to mention...TELL HIS WIFE you crazy fool!

Do it delicately, and anonymously if you can...I really think you need to bust this secrecy up and confront your own wife.

If she has agreed to end the affair then she has to BREAK OFF CONTACT. You can't end an affair and leave your affair partner hanging around like a house pet..it just doesn't work.

If your spouse has agreed to reconcile she must agree to not contact him anymore or your efforts to work things out will be seroiusly compromised...a seriously uphill battle...similar to what I am fighting myself.

Mark1965,

Man I loved your post!! Thank you thank you. I think you were dead on with so much of what you wrote & got from my posts. I am going to check out that other site & book. I just glanced at it and it looks interesting. It sounds like it really helped you out, so I can't wait to look at it more.
I know if I boil it all down, I need to grab my nuts, be a man (the man I was) and prove to myself then her that I am the same guy, just got a little off track! Then pray that she will see all that, and be willing to come back to me.
We had a great talk on Fri. We had to really get on the same page. See I thought we were going to separate to get perspective on ourselves then come back together & see if our M or R was going to be saved. Found out she is more like ready to D tomorrow, if $ & kids were not an issue. So I did give her my "blessing" to see others. Of course this was done to see if she would come clean about her actions. It didn't. I rather have her tell me what is going on then have to find out on my own, or have it be sneaky behind my back. So there is an article on the Home page of DB that I related to called: "While your spouce decides" I plan to do what that guy did and be her best friend and support her. I know it will be hard, but I think that will be the best approach for me.
She still wants to get an appt that we can trade off staying at to increase the space & feel more indep. I am banking on the fact we can't afford it. Hopefully we will be forced to stay in the same house and just try to live as separate as possible.
It looks like this: she leaves earlier for work, I get kids ready & take them to day care. Work myself, All meet up at the house for dinner & get kids ready for bed. I go to gym at night, or she does her thing. Or just try to be not with or around each other the rest of the night. Weekends are weird, one of us tries to be out all day on Sat, and the other on Sun. So far the kids, being so young, don't feel the impact of this. Our goal is to keep their lives as stable as possible. I know no matter what they will be effected by this mess, but trying to keep it minimal.
So my priority is ME, W, M or R, Kids. I was really charged up after reading these posts, so Thanks again!

Mark F
Yeah, I am still working on finding his W to tell her. I plan to do it anonymously. W & I talked about her prevoius A with this guy. I guess his W questioned calls to my W & something was raised then. So I plan to use that as my lead in. Trying to locate has proven to be a task!
I am not ready to disclose my tactics yet, as it is still providing info. I liked what you said that in some sitc it makes sense. My W has been misleading and not completely open/honest as she said. When I asked about their current status (w/OM1) She made it sound very innocent. I gave opportunity to tell more, but she just said they never talk about the A and their contact is strictly business...blah blah blah. That did get me more hurt since I know what I know. Panora's box has been opened, so I know the ride may be difficult but I have to be ready for it. Thanks.