we just had our 7 year anniversary too they say it has something to do with the timing of having your last child maybe???
i don't know
anyway
i'm having a lot of sucess in not blaming H for the past in not taking it out on him today but taking him as he is today whatever the mood may be
(although I do realize I might be operating with some softened Post Traumatic Stress Disorder like vets do or something..., you know... thinking the war is still on sometimes when I know it's really been over for a long time????
however, H's reactions are not just some innocuous car backfiring that I believe to be a bomb... they are, or were the actual war)
anyway lemme ask.. and maybe i'm just ruminating out loud here. H's post makes me mad, right? He questions my morality for considering breaking my vow. He calls me a control freak (adding lots and lots of exclamation points to drive it home....). I like what lost love said about the control freak thing (of course, you did charcoal, lost love told mat to chill), but I certainly don't blame anyone for wanting control ~ over themselves.
I don't want to be blamed. I want to stop being the reason for the misery. Past/Present/and Future.
Timing of the last child? Reminds me of something someone said to me shortly after the S. There are a number of transitions in life and marriage. We were moving from the time our kids needed our constant care (the youngest, S3 was out of diapers) and could be babysat for an evening by a responsible teen, allowing us to go out. We didn't make that transition - I had spent lots of time with my friends in the last few years and when she had her chance, when the kids were old enough to be left with someone, W did the same, we didn't spend any time together. Add to that W just turned 30 around the same time so there were lots of things conspiring against us.
Quote: i'm having a lot of sucess in not blaming H for the past in not taking it out on him today but taking him as he is today whatever the mood may be
So there's one day in...tomorrow's a new one. How do you guys do with 'acting-as-if'? People have sh***y days all the time - maybe your moods have nothing to do with each other lots of the time?
Quote: H's post makes me mad, right?
If they make you angry wouldn't be best to avoid them (somethng else LL recommended to him iirc)? Maybe you both need a place to blow of steam? Something I feel kinda sucks about these boards - I'd love to e-mail W the link just to show her we aren't the only ones going through this and that there *is* a way out if we want to find one. The problem is I'm positive she'd feel betrayed and hurt by some of the things I've written - and it wouldn't take too much reading to recognize our own sitch. You've got to be able to speak your mind here to benefit IMO - not pull your punches. I've said things here I didn't really mean - well I meant them at the time - but they didn't represent what I felt after having a little time to cool off and reflect on them. I would hate for her to read tht stuff and be hurt by it. Maybe you guys need to agree to stay out of each others threads? I myself don't know if I could do that tho - it would be awful tempting...
Have a great weekend - hope the weather is as nice there as it is here. It's a long weekend here and the weather is going to be gorgeous...wh00p!!
Quoting charcoal: however, H's reactions are not just some innocuous car backfiring that I believe to be a bomb... they are, or were the actual war)
You are assuming there, hence bull headed... I see lots of barbs go back and forth between the 2 of you... Sometimes in a loving manner, you see what the other is saying about you, not to you...
Read between the lines of what each of you write... You each have a fourm that is like no other... Were nameless, faceless, people that have no emotional involvement in your sitch, takes everything you say and pick it apart...
Get past the surface insults, or slaps in the face's you each may feel the other is sending (on purpose or not) and see what needs that you each are not meeting in each other...
Thats what I mean by bull headed...
As well, you both are basicly fighting for the same thing... You are both on the same page, different books...
Maybe a pow wow like the clinton dole thing on 60 minutes might work... You each get to make a point and respond by counter point...
Once apon a time, my xw and I had a major fight. We used the email that we had. I would sit upstairs while she was down stairs typing out what she was mad a bout... She would come up stairs say "Im done!" and I would go down stairs, read, and respond.. After about 5 times of going up and down the steps, we started giggleing each time we passed each other..
A lot of points were spelled out, we fingered out we were arguing the same point... I forget excatly what the fight was about... I do remember the making up after it though!!!!
may I ask that you not read matts stuff for a while...or keep in mind when you do that there are things we think and type that after thinking about we wished we didn't...there are things you've typed about him that I'm sure you don't think now...
so to save yourself the aggrivation don't go looking for trouble in reading his stuff and hope that he will not go reading your stuff anymore either..
and jim_van... our D, now 5 turned 3 and I really started doing my own thing. before her 3rd bday, i miscarried maybe four times and when D5 turned 3, i decided i'd not try again. birth control was on the list of things to do. too late, babyson was on his way... I told H stop drinking or i'm leaving when I was 5 months into the term. Now son is one. We've been on this "route" or whatever for a while.
H said tonight, I wish it was two years from now and everything was good. I replied, I wish it was two years ago... this would be a heckuva lot easier for me...
anyway...
i'm not coming back for a while
mat ~ have at the board, i wont read your stuff. there are a lot of things i said on here I regret and didn't mean and wish you'd never read, i'm glad you saw past most of it. thank you.
and...
to anyone reading...
today facilitated an actual discussion where I got "validated". an actual real wonderful and "grown up" kind of conversation where the threat of my words to H wasn't so blatant or acute.
i have my feelings, they're real. i know they change, too... that's why I came here in the first place
hey y'all... just journaling again, but I do have a question... what could I have done differently??
Last night was kinda hard.
Went to codependency meeting, came home, started researching information for a Fourth Step... "A searching and fearless moral inventory".... of myself!!! So, it's a daunting task, nonetheless, if it's going to help me change me for me, then I am ALL for it.
The first thing you do is list your resentments. In order to list them, you gotta think about them, right? So, I separated myself, went into the garage, broke out the journal and realized I'd rather have a password-protected document to start with. Anyway, H comes out, asks if anything's wrong... I say No. H says he just feels like something's wrong and wants to know what it is.
Well, come to think of it, I was a little "miffed" about H sleeping when he gets home from work. The real reason I'm "miffed", and I do tell him this, is that I'm concerned that maybe he's not taking care of his depression, or whatever. I tell him I don't know if he's taking his meds, cuz he says he wants to go off 'em all the time, and I ask him how he's coming with the C sessions.
Before he could even speak, I knew he was mad. Bless him for trying to act like he wasn't, but body language doesn't lie.
So, I immediately start backpeddaling. Validating, using non-defensive communication, asking to talk about it later, saying I shouldn't have said anything...
I mean to tell you, there was little stopping it. The gate was open.
So, I escaped. I went to bed.
H lay next to me talking for a long while about ALL the ways he's taking care of himself, and how he can't believe that I don't believe him. (I do believe him, btw, I was just checking the status of the sitch, and besides... this whole thing started with me minding my own bizniz.)
Anyway, here comes the piggybacked issue... my lack of response to his touch, his hugs... no sex...
oh, wait a sec, we've done that twice since friday...
so, I'm going to sleep while he's going on and on and I hear...
"I DON'T BELIEVE THAT A WIFE WOULD BE LIKE THAT!!!"
I poked my head up and said, "H! STOP IT! JUST STOP!"
H calls me a control freak and finally gets some rest.
Today was fine. We recovered better than we've recovered in a long, long time....
I was really trying to do and say the right thing. To own it, to not blame, shoot, to not even bring it up in the first place.
were you in the garage because you were miffed at h???
perhaps the issue was not that one but you used it as a mask...
you were in the garage to do some work in your journal...a journal you do not wish h to see or possibly even know about
Quote: realized I'd rather have a password-protected document to start with
which is fine and all but given the current state of your m and h's uncertainty as to what your intentions for the m truly are...perhaps in the future when youre off to the garage to do some "moral inventory" you can simply let him know you are doing some work on personal stuff, give him some idea as to what it is...let him know it's nothing to be threatend by.
