Hi Angelica- We have missed you. I hope you come around more often.
My M is the second for both me and my H. My first M was short term and even though My first H and I had two children together, he (with the help of the OW...now his W) has continued to make me out to be a monster...so, I don't believe there are any or ever will be any warm feelings there for me. My H's first W cheated on him and they did not had the best relationship trying to raise their D. He always claimed he married her more out of obligation because they had dated so long and has never spoken fondly of her. So, I don't believe he has held on to any positive feelings toward her.
Now on the other hand, my mother left my father for an OM. She has told me she regrets her choice and that she still loves my father...but she never made an attempt to reconcile with him.
So, IMO, there is no hard fast rule about first spouses. Every relationship is different but that being said, I think a man or woman that leaves a long term M in a crisis, will more than likely have unresolved feelings for their LBS.
That chip is only on their shoulder if you let them come back that way...don't you think?
Yes I do.
If they do come back without any remorse or understanding of the LBS's pain and are still in la la land or pretend to be in la la land then they are being somewhat manipulative.
I also believe that we the LBS tend to let too much slide in fear of upsetting the MLC'er.
I spose this is where boundaries come in, right?
I have noticed when you set your boundaries and stick to them the end result is far more favorable no matter what the outcome of your marriage.
Jack, you set your boundaries, stuck to them and your W was able to realize you meant business.
Whether or not the absent spouse realizes 20+ years from now they loved us, it's the here and now that are important. How we progress and move forward and still be able to show caring and undertanding to the wayward spouse without condoning hurtful interactions.
Hmmm...I should just turn this into one short sentence and say, perhaps we shouldn't take TOO much shiite in hopes of our spouses returning and set those damn boundaries and mean them. Make sense?
Sorry Ang if I went off topic. But it all sorta ties together.
When my journey down this path is finally over, I want to be able to move ahead without unresolved issues or better yet not have those unresolved issues haunt me.
Sorry....too much coffee
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
I agree with Upside....I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about this. As there are no hard and fast rules about MLC, though we tend to think there are, and derive patterns from what we see in some and want to see in the rest.
I think in amicable breaks, like the ones Angelica described, I don't doubt that there is a lot of love there. In those splits, there are two people who cannot be together, but still love each other. It took a lot to break the love I had for my xh, so I can imagine if things didn't get that messy, I would still love him, and vice versa.
But, in my case, and the case of many of the WASs here, who go on a very dysfunctional path, it isn't love that is the root of keeping us in their lives. At least I don't choose to look at it that way - it serves no purpose for me to do so. My xh does keep talking about me, lies about me, slanders me at any chance....this after he's been through many other women....so why get stuck on me?
BEcause he loves me? Misses me? Regrets his mistakes? Nope. Because I'm just the easy target to blame for his very dysfunctional and mentally ill life. Because I'm not there, because it's the most visible event in his life that he can use as a cover.
I don't think I was trying to generalise to all MLCers, just making the observation that for many men [and women] love doesn't die as easily and conveniently as either party sometmes would like.
Probably in marriages contracted early and for short periods that love doesn't establish in all cases, but for people married a long time, I suspect that most remain somewhat in love. Where men and women may be different though is that I think a man can be in love with one woman and sleeping with another more easily than most women can. When women have sex they tend to love. Obviously not invariable, and for many men fidelity maters hugely.
I am not talking about apologies from beyond the grave either! It was just that a death brought it all to light. Love is a funny business! And we are all privileged to have experienced it
No - that is from a special dialect of English, called 'MLC speak' It is used mostly by men but a few women learn it also. No-one really knows what it all means. The speakers use a strange dialect, and shout a lot. Some of them stop using the language and return to normal, but others speak it for the rest of their lives, becoming increasingly isolated.
I think "I love you but I'm not in love with you" in mlcspeak may roughly translate to "I'm bored with you".
This translation would be consistant with their adolescent behavior. How many times have you heard an adolescent say, "I'm bored." The OM/OW is a person with whom they have found excitement. That newfound excitement does not last, explaining why many move from one OP to another and why relationships formed during this time rarely last.
Maybe still loving and feeling connected to their spouse is an indication of a mild case of mlc.
Sorta like: mild heart attack limited thermonuclear war small tornado etc.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
Oh Angelica, this gives me hope. My x owes me money,he has said I will get it from his estate on his demise if not before. As he has remarried I took this to be a very empty promise as I know the new wife would not give me the time of day let alone anything else. So heres hoping I live that long. Not that for one second I wish him harm. I think(hope) especially after nearly 40 yrs tog. I still have place in his heart. He has no contact so I really have no way of knowing. Glad your doing ok.
