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Best of luck with everything, CBK. It sucks that you're here... this is a difficult journey for sure.

Hang in there!

That will be up to her about the OM. She is ashamed in many ways about him. Only our therapists know and one of her good friends and one of mine that is all the way across the country and the kids don't know.

She feels that if the kids found out, everybody would and she would possibly loose even more - friends, possibly the kids, possibly her job. So not a good thing.

Thanks - I actually do most of those things - it was the emotional connection that we lost in our marriage. I knew something was amiss, so I was very nervous around her - felt like a middle school kid, always tongue tied. I treated our conversations more like a business, talked to much, didn't listen enough for the clues that she wasn't happy. I am trying that now but know I am being judged by everthing I say, trying to more comfortable, but she won't let me in right now, so I just have to chip away at the ice.

I know this will be months - doesn't make it easier though!

Thanks again

I have had the same goal for a month.... It seems like a big goal to me now.... I have a cold quite alien W at my house.... she has softened, but not as much as I would like. I don't think I will get the goodnight anytime soon... Good luck!

VERY IMPORTANT: These will have to be new habits you intend to keep. Some of mine that I am having hard time turning into habits, but must happen: stop arguing, listen and empathy...

Thanks - I definetly will be making these long term habits. I have been going to church by myself, clean the house, cars, etc. been going to the gym 5 days a week, doing Yoga in the off days (part of my GAL). We don't argue right now, but listening and empathy - I keep falling into the "all about me" trap. Will keep trying.

Okay, having a really bad day. I am heading home from my trip. So many insights as I read this board and read books. I have really come to the realization, there is not much I can do as long as the OM is in the picture. I will acknowledge this at MC tomorrow and I will work on me. As much as this hurts, I know it is what I have to do. I am so bummed that she called him. Her big statement to me was that she first has to love herself until she can figure love anybody else - well, I guess that isn't true if she is calling him. Being away for a couple of days did not help clear my mind, I could only picture them together, not healthy. She has her IC today, I have mine tomorrow, but I am in such a pit right now.

I know it takes two to tango, but before 3/18, I knew we were strained, but not totally broken. I just want to walk away sometimes. I have a cross-country flight in a few hours, which will seem like an eternity. Then get to go home to my wife in a nother room. I know, I can't feel sorry for myself, but that is where I am right now. I stayed true to my word and didn't call her last night, but had to medicate to sleep - big meetings today, so needed the sleep.

I don't know how you all handle this - I always thought I was a somewhat strong person, but this has cast so much doubt into my being. It is affecting work, social life, etc. Timing is never good, but there may be major changes in my work life as well. WTF is happening? World crumbling around me, crying in my office - I thought I had no more tears...

Sorry for venting - will go to my journal and right for a bit.

I can feel your pain. I am in the exact situation with my wife except we sleep in the same room. Not sure what to do either. Trying to give her space and GAL for myself that does not include her. I have problems with trying to not think about the OM also. Its tough to think that she cares more about someone else than you who has been there thru all the rough times.

Good luck.

I am reading Michele's DR for the third time on a flight home. There was a very important point in one of her messages. Right now, my W says I care for you, but not love you - it is because she has so many negative feelings, built up a wall. If my W can think back when wewere totally in love, she would have said that no way we would be here - she built up a wall of love. I know I need to start chipping away at the wall of resentment and it will take a while. Michele's book has been helpful. Now to put it to practice...

Okay, bad thought, but thinking about it. Has anybody ever called the OM wife and said get to counseling???? I think she is clueless right now. I don't have the number, but I am resourceful enough to find it... Thoughts? Am I going totally insane?