Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hope4us' Struggle, part 2

Point taken. I really struggle with whether I should do as you suggest or just not give her the time of day as Kat suggests.

Have to think on that one. Maybe letting her know it's BS is the way to go. Thing is, it's not all the time, it's just certain days. Like, back in early Feb when I exposed the STD, she was this way for a while, but then slowly started responding to me, then all the sudden she was really HAPPY (which I know now was either when contact resumed or when their plans for a possible get together were hatched). I think back to then and I was doing the LRT. Maybe I need to return to that. I don't know.

Again, points to consider. I'll let you know how tonight goes.

Hey, I know where you are coming from but you said that you wanted a woman's take on it so I gave it to you. I think she sees your attempts to engage her as pushing, going a little dim would be doing a 180 and letting her come to you, which is what you want.
When people are po'ed(justly or not) they usually just want space. give it to her. I am not so sure she is trying to be rude...she is hurt and mad and confused and probably not liking herself very much right now. Not the time to rub her face in it. I don't mean for you to coddle her either. When she starts to come around, reconfirm what she says and ask how you can help her(come back to you...just think this part).
Honestly, what do you have to lose?
kat

Thanks Kat, I appreciate it.

Got home last night and told her "hi". Ignored. Watched the news for a bit and then told her I was going to a sports bar with a guy who works for me and I'd be home in a bit. Again, Ignored.

So dim it is. More for my sanity than caring about her. I will not say another word to her without her addressing me first. I'm so angry right now I could file for divorce today and not think twice about it.

I know her anger, depression, etc are signs of WD from the POS, but I've taken so much abuse from her for so long I just don't care anymore.

I really am sorry. I wasn't very good myself yesterday. While my marriage is probably in the can, I do see hope for you. There just seems to be so much emotion in your house right now.
Being dim is going to protect you from that.
Please try not to feel so resentful. It will only eat you up in the end. I've got my eye on you and you are in prayers.
kat

I know there is a whole lot of emotion in the house right now. That's why I KNOW I need to separate/detach from that. And I know her mood is probably related to NC with OM. And I know she's angry at me for separating her from her drug of choice and my telling the kids what was going on. I know all those things and I know that it's probably a good sign that NC is still in place, but I just have a hard time being ok with her continued abuse. And it IS abuse.

I've spent the last 8 months with her rubbing this affair in my face. I've spent the last 10 months letting her steal from me everything I ever trusted and believed in. And still she acts as if I'M the one that has done something wrong. She still acts like she was completely justified in having the affair, and this is who she is and if I don't like it, tough.

Well, if this is who she is, I have NO desire to be with her. Not now, not in a couple years, never. And it's just a shame, because there is now never any chance to know just how good our marriage ever could have been if she'd have spoken up as to issues she had in the marriage BEFORE sleeping with him. But she just doesn't get that.

Hope,

Have you thought that maybe this anger is not directed particularly at you. I know you are on the receiving end of it but perhaps the source of the anger is at herself and at the mess she has created.

I am not saying in anyway that she is right to let you bare the brunt of it, but maybe you can detach better, or cope with it more easily if you acknowledge that you are not the cause.

Don't let her current anger destroy your feelings for what you are fighting for. I know that is MUCH easier said than done.

Then don't spend the next two weeks letting her be rude. I still think you should call her on this, and it only needs to be once, maybe twice, and it DOESN'T have to be snotty or angry or even drawn-out. Just a simple "Look, I get that you're pissed at me right now. But you don't have a right to be disrespectful, or downright RUDE. If you don't want to talk to me, that's fine, but a simple response and simple common courtesy, I do expect. I'm going to meet the guys for a beer or two, I won't be late." (and, I still think, a kiss on her forehead would be a nice touch, but that's up to you)

Hope, I see this as a boundary for you. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's OK for you to be totally ignored, after everything else she's done. If you're OK with this, I'll shut up. But you DON'T seem okay with it, in fact you seem very agitated. If you take this stand on this little thing, maybe you can start fighting your way back on the bigger things. If NOTHING else, I think you will feel better about YOURSELF, and you will have gained some respect in your wife's eyes.

Don't get me wrong, she is NOT going to go "You know, you're right -- I've been a jerk, and I'm so sorry, honey." In fact, she may not even acknowledge you. But I bet you start to get responses from her, and I guarandamntee you that she'll find it attractive.

Puppy

H4U,

What are you doing these days....FOR YOU? You and I are in similar places, and over the past day or two, I remembered I need to continue to GAL. So, besides being comsumed by the thoughts about your WW and awful A (like I have been), what are you doing good for you??

H4U, listen to Puppy and DMB. Call her on her attitude, you don't have to be her doormat. Shes made her bed, now she has to sleep in it and I believe that it is mis-directed anger. You are simply there and easy to focus it on, instead of at herself and the mess shes made.

Its good you went out and keep doing so. Do things for you and keep up the good fight.

Thanks Everyone.

Saffie, Thanks. I know that's probably the case and I'd just forgotten that because of the emotions of all this. I appreciate your reminder.

Puppy, I think I'll take your advise tonight if she's still ignoring anything I say.

DMB, Last night I went out for a while. I NEEDED to get out. If I'd have stayed there I would have exploded. Now that the weather is getting nicer I'll be golfing, working in the yard, going for walks etc. We've got the sprinkler dude coming Monday since we developed a leak over the winter. Once that's fixed I've got a number of yard projects to complete. So things there will start picking up soon.

Grumpy, Thanks. I know I should just let it roll off my back like water off a duck, but after so long, it just get's hard to take.

I mean, this is probably the third time I've gone through this. After OMW found out, she was like this for probably a month, but then started responding, but then started communicating with OM again. I know there was NC for a while, but started back up. Then early Feb she was like this after exposure of her STD. Probably a month or so and she started responding, but then contact started up again and that's when I exposed to the kids. So now she's like this again. I know I just need to give it time, but the longer this goes on, the less I care what the outcome is.

So now that I believe I have the best chance of NC sticking, I know I need to be patient, but it's just so darn hard. And her anger again, and again, and again, just how much can you take without throwing in the towel?