Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hope4us' Struggle, part 2

Thanks Puppy. I figured DS15 kind of had an idea, but he was spot on with all his observations. DS19 kind of knew we were having problems from conversations he and DS15 had, but he didn't know why.

There's a big part of me that hopes she wakes up when the kids start ripping on her, but I just don't see that happening. I see us separating and the OM hurting her (like DS15 said he thought would happen) and maybe then she might come back, but maybe not. She's the Emperor of Stubborn and might not be willing to admit she f'd up and give us a chance. But I've also read quite a few threads here and on another website where the kids were what finally woke the wayward spouse up.

We'll see.

You have some really smart boys. I am so sorry that you and them have to be put through all of this.

Sara

H4U, you have raised a great kid there. He sounds pretty witty.

Thanks for all the support.

Waywards are stunning, just stunning. DS15 couldn't wait until today, so he told her what he thought last night. He told her that he would never talk to her if she was seeing OM. WW replied "I guess I'll just be a lonely old woman then". It's amazing that she's trying to manipulate him now also. He also told her that she has no right to be mad at me because all I did was tell him the truth, and he was glad I did.

This morning I had a note with my wallet. She thanked me for making her look bad in the kids eyes. She says I'm selfish, all my actions have been my way of controlling her, this has reinforced her reason for leaving the marriage, she wanted to last the final 2 years of DS15's school to give him a complete childhood/upbringing but my selfishness won out and now that's not going to happen. She closed with "we are not friends, friends don't hurt each other the way you have the past few months".

Ok, how do you respond to such crap? I'm selfish and controlling because I have a problem with my wife sleeping with a married man? We're not friends cause I've hurt her this way the last few months? Uh...but it's ok for my wife to sleep with a married man as long as I treat her as a friend?

Any comments on how I should repsond would be greatly appreciated. I know what I'd like to say, but it probably wouldn't help the situation any.

"(Wife),

I will take no responsibility for your selfish decision to have an affair, nor for telling our children the truth about your actions. This is your mess, and you need to clean it up.

For the record, both of the boys were GRATEFUL that I finally told them the truth. The fact that you were PLANNING to keep on lying to them for at least another two years is simply stunning to me, as we've always taught them that a family always tells the truth.

I do love you, and hope you will come to your senses before it's too late, although I fear that it already is.

(Hope4Us)"

Thanks Puppy. You're pretty close to what I had been thinking about.

I'm also going to add a response to her "friends" comment. Some how I've treated her bad the last couple months so we're not friends because friends don't hurt each other the way I've hurt her! It's simply amazing. I'm not being nice to her because I have a problem with my wife sleeping with a married man. It's just amazing the sense of entitlement waywards have.

Yeah, I would add that too. I had to let my wife know that, if our marriage ended that way (her actively in an affair), she could NOT count on me being her best friend post-D. She looked at me like I was speaking another language.

H4U, one more thing:

Your wife is likely going to go ballistic this week, over the exposure to your sons and the parents. Do not feel like you have to have a ready response to every ridiculous statement or accusation she makes. Learn the fine art of the following few things:

1) Simply shake your head in astonishment, and say "Unbelievable," and walk away;

2) If she asks you about the R, say "Unfortunately, we HAVE no relationship so long as you've made the unilateral and destructive decision to invite a 3rd person into it. End your affair, and we can talk about it."

3) If she asks you about a divorce or separation, say "Unfortunately, this is a legal issue now and better left for the attorneys."

4) When in doubt, simply say "Let me get back to you on that." Don't feel like you always have to have an answer for her. In fact, most of the time, she deserves none.

Keep us all posted, and we can help. You're doing great. In the meantime, WORK ON YOU, and just be the World's Greatest Dad to those boys.

Puppy

Ok, Here's the note I've written for her. Comments please.

WW,

I got your note this morning.

I will take no responsibility for your selfish decision to have an affair, nor will I take responsibility for any pain the kids are feeling by my telling them the truth about your actions.

DS19 and DS15 were grateful that I finally told them the truth. The fact that DS15 has kept this crap bottled up inside him for all these months knowing what was going on but not being able to talk to me about it was killing him. He told me he questioned you a number of times last fall about who you were seeing and you lied to him. How do you think that makes him feel? Him knowing what was going on and his mother lying to him about it and not being able to say anything to me about it because if he was wrong? And for you to try to lay a guilt trip on him about growing old and lonely is just stunning.

Living this lie for another two years would not benefit him or DS19 in the least. We have always raised our kids to tell the truth, and lying to them about something that profoundly affects their lives was simply not something I could do. Which do you think is more harmful, telling them the truth, or them thinking that their parents think so little of their lives and well being that they gave up on their marriage without even trying to see if they could work it out? Because that’s all I ever asked for. End your relationship with OM and try to work it out. I told you many times that if we did that and when DS15 graduated from HS if we still weren’t where both of us wanted to be in our marriage, then we could go our separate ways. But your relationship with OM is more important to you than your marriage or your kids.

If you want to accuse me of being controlling and selfish because I have a problem with my wife sleeping with a married man, then I’m guilty as charged. And if you want to accuse me of being controlling because I have a problem with the continued lies and deceit, then I’m guilty as charged. And I can live with that.

Do you really want me to respond to us not being friends because friends don’t hurt each other the way I have hurt you the past few months? Do wife’s who have vowed to love, honor and cherish their husbands, forsaking all others until death do us part, have affairs? Do you really want me to talk about HURT?

I do love you still and hope that you will come to your senses before its too late, although I fear that it already is. DS15 is spot on. OM will hurt you. Count on it. And don’t try to lie to me anymore about you and him not being together or planning on being together. If that’s what you want, I wish you all the best, but I refuse to be lied to and disrespected anymore.

Hope4us.




What do you think?

H4U,

Other than a typo ("wife's" should be "wives" near the end) and I personally wouldn't wish her "the best", I think it's a phenomenal, powerful letter.

It's HONEST.

Your sons are lucky to have you. My prayer is that your wife will come around and see that too, and that they will have TWO emotionally healthy parents in their lives, whatever she chooses.

Puppy