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kissak,

This is really very simple. At this point, there is no way you should even be entertaining any of the nonsense coming out of his mouth and you are. Otherwise you would have never come here to ask what you should say or do. I don't know how to put it any clearer than that.

IMP

Kissak--

What i hear BWorl and IMP saying is a little different. You HAVE done things GREAT for YOU - and the first one was saying NO! AND I know how hard that was. In my eyes here it is...

You ARE letting go - it IS a process. Continue to let go. Like me WE have to stop knowing what is going on in thier lives....at this point it does NOTHING but bring false hope AND/or drive our hearts batty.

We shouldn't know if he is at the OW's (however mine is a no brainer as she moved in). We shouldn't know anything about that part of thier life. IT ISNT GOOD FOR OUR HEARTS!

As you break away and heal you will see how sick and selfish your H is. You will - and you are seeing it.

HE isn't worth YOUR love and attention right now. Do you see the switch? Not being mean or calusus ----it is just the way that you/me and many others here need to make the switch. FROM THEM to US. And it doens't come easy or natural...but they say as it comes it heals.

Kissak,

I'm not in the business of trying to beat you or anyone else up. Just trying to observe from the outside and tell you what I see. I think you're getting there, but still have things and attitudes that you could change to make this easier on you.

Here's your earlier remark that triggered my post from the other day...





And here are my thoughts, hopefully clearer than I wrote the other day...

1. Why are you still giving him options/choices? Hasn't he already made it clear to you through his words that his choice right now is to NOT make a choice?

He loves you both. Would accept being with either of you. If you take him, he'll go with you. Unless the other woman wants him too, then he'll have to think about it.

Do you hear what YOU ARE in his words? You're an option.

I don't want to be "an option" for my spouse. I want to be the only person that they want to be with, period.

2. The end of your statement suggests that you are waiting for HIS decision to make YOUR decision. Why? The path to peace and healing from the LBS standpoint does not involve being led by the choices of the MLC spouse.

In my personal situation, my ex-wife DROVE and FORCED one decision on me - that was the decision to divorce. She caused pain and destruction with that decision, but I could do nothing about it.

I decided then that she would no longer force ANY decisions on me. I would not allow her to bring any additional pain or destruction into my life by her words or actions.

THAT is when I began to truly live for ME and my boys.

And THAT is when I began to find peace and healing.


Blessings,

Bill

bworl said:


Actually thinking of this a little differently. Is it love at all? It could be any woman who gives him what he wants. I dated a woman after my divorce papers were served. I stopped seeing her and I did feel a little bad about dumping her. My C said "you know you could have been anyone." What he meant was that she was looking for a man, not "the" man. As bworl said:
And that is what a real marriage is about.

IMP

Kissak...

If I were you I would tell him if he can't make a clear cut choice (since you generously gave him one) then I would make my own choice...I would remove myself from his line-up of choices and cut him free...he needs to know that he CAN lose you!...He keeps returning...dangling the confused card, I want to work on us, I am afraid, I still love you and OW...he is doing this to keep you manipulated...to keep you thinking about HIM...

I would remove the option of me...period!

Thanks Guys...that did make a little more sense....I did tell him that I didnt want to be an option.

I have to tell you what he told me on Friday. He texted me and said that we needed to talk. I didnt reply, then he called me.

He told me that I was right. He couldnt give me a fair chance. He said he had decided to be by himself for a while and it didnt have anything to do with the OW. Matter of fact, she was working things out with her old boyfriend. H said we are man and wife, but we are separated. I agreed. He said that he could be happy or give me a fair chance until he could decide what he wanted out of life. He had to find himself. I told him that it could take a long time and he agreed.

So, I thought maybe this guy had found his brain. He told me that he was going to try 100% not to interfer with the OW and her boyfriend.

So, quite honestly I felt a big weight lifted off of me. I cant explain it really. I really did feel better. Well, today we had alot going on....my Son won his ball game!!! Then he had tkd testing! Passed!! Then I had a shower to go to. Busy day. Well, I was around H alot. Evidently he wants to think of me as a friend with benefits. What is up with that??? I told him no like 3 times!! He has even texted tonight. I havent answered him.. Im quite tired of it...Im not going to be his sex buddy....he is really making me sick.

He called me earlier today however to tell me that he had texted OW's bf....said he wanted to clear his concious. Wanted to tell on ow I believe....In my opinion, trying to cause problems. I just told him that he needed to let it go and leave them alone. Told him that the OM needed to find out on his own about OW. Just like my H did....I told him he better leave him alone. This guy is a cop...well H told me that I didnt have to worry about that because the OM texted my H back and told him if he texted him again he would get him for harassment!! I kinda laughed at that!

I see my H as this immature, weak man. Who hasnt a clue still. OMG, he has so far to go. I really am getting to the point were I really can see how far he still has to go....yes, all that he told me yesterday about finding himself made sense, but next week he will think he has found himself and I have to remember that he is so wishy washy that I cant believe him.

Im so looking forward to next weekend!! Im going on a girls night out!! Cant wait! No kids!!

I want to be the one my H wants only. It may be a long time before that will ever happen.

He really is making a fool of himself.

He is nothing like the man I use to know. Where did he go??

I think you tell him too much.

I think you allow him to tell you too much.

he is centre of attention on the stage, you are his audience.

If there is no audience, there is no show.

Your call.

NC.

Emotionally you want to take him back. You want him to want you back, 100%. It isn't even close to 100%.

No is a good word.

Emotionally you need to walk away from this guy. He is an idiot. He thinks that you are going to allow an open marriage? Are you kidding me?

Uhm, I think I have told him NO, quite a bit. You all dont realize just how much I have walked away from him....but for my sake, I will remain friends with him. I will not have the open relationship that he is thinking. I think I proved my point to him this weekend by telling him NO.

I hardly spoke to him yesterday. He came to our son's ball practice and then left because he wasnt feeling good. I think his problem now is that the OW that he loves, has chosen to be with someone else....heartbreak hurts and now he is getting a taste of it.

I am leaving him alone, but I am his friend. Not only that but I have to coparent with him so it is easier to be a friend. Now, I dont just call him to call, usually it is only about the kids or finances.

I have come to realize that I am really not "in love" with this guy anymore, but I know that if I want it to be there, it can happen.

Please dont think that I am letting him be the center of attention. I pretty much ignored him the few min he was at practice yesterday. I walked up and said hey and then sat on the bleachers and started a conversation with another mom. He stood behind the bleachers and said a few things to me, but I answered and then went back to my convo with the other moms. I think when he left he was looking for attention, and I wasnt giving it to him.

Come on guys, yes he is an idiot, but I married him. He just wasnt this big of an idiot back then!!

kissak,



I can see how this could easily be one of the ways that some MLCers self medicate. By perpetuating this drama, having you both wanting him, not deciding and keeping you both on a string, he is "treating" his own depression and lack of self worth. I remember my H doing the same thing, he would text/call and be with both OW and me, telling us both how much he wanted each of us. It was all about his own ego, making himself feel better about himself, and had nothing to do w/ trying to make a choice b/w us.

I think if we remove the choice from them, they are forced to look at what they are left with and only then figure out what they really want. Like children, if they can have it all, they will take it all.

You are doing the right thing, and are at exactly the same stage I am at. Contact only w/ regards to children & finance, friendly but detached, and leaving him to figure out what he must figure out. You don't stop loving him, you just have to pull yourself out of it so that the process doesn't tear you to shreds.



I too know that feeling, and it has made an enormous difference in my life in the past few weeks. I'm so happy you have made it to that place emotionally. We can do this

FA