Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Enjoying my life!!!

Yes, It is good advice. I wouldnt trade the 15 years I had either. There were lots of good times for me...not really any bad memories until the separation.

I was a little angry tonight at my H....he said he would be at our sons practice tonight....he even called me again today to ask what time it was...that kinda ticked me off because I had made a point to tell him last week. I even discussed him needing to be more responsible and remembering this stuff and quit relying on me to tell him.

Well, about 2 minutes into practice he texted me and said he probably wouldnt make it and that he had just gotten out of the shower and had to eat. Ok, practice was only 2 minutes down the road....I texted him about an hour later and said if he was done eating he should come and watch our son, our son had asked where his dad was. I guess some fire flew into me. H said he was kinda busy. OK, I HATE it when he puts our kids off for something else. I was kinda nasty and some would say manipulative, but I just said sarcasticly "fine, I will tell your son you were to busy to come". I know, I should have left it alone. He texted me and told me I WAS MEAN! Ok, I just left it alone then. On our way home we saw him at the gas store down the road from home....he saw us and then texted me "i had to go to the store for smokes and a drink". I didnt bother to answer that.

UGH, no 2x4 please, I know I shouldnt have gone there, but I did. I was ticked at him. Im still kinda mad at him. Im just tired of having to be a single parent! While he does as he pleases.

kissak,



I know. On the flip side, you get to see the kids and be intimately involved in their lives. He's making other choices and leaving you to deal with the mess yes, but when you look at your kids and see the incredible people they are and are still becoming....I know that's what gets me through.

Yes Grace, that is what gets me through too....but I am in such an ill mood today. Or really this morning....H called and talked to the kids. I didnt want to talk to him, but son handed me the phone and said Daddy wanted to talk. H asked if I needed to talk to him. I said No not really. He asked why I was in a ill mood. I really told him that I was disappointed that he didnt come last night. Then I ended the convo saying that i had to finish getting the kids off to school. He wished me a good day and I just said thanks and hung up.

I was just ill....just fed up! Im tired. I want to be loved again by someone. I want to be wanted. I just laid on the bed crying this morning feeling sorry for myself. I am so tired of being patient and trying to be nice. I dont know what was wrong with me last night or this morning. I was just ILL!!!

I was mean to him, even fussing at the kids this morning. I have to deal with everything and Im tired of it!!

I think its time for my MLC!!

What has worked best for me is to have no contact. I did see H twice in 3 weeks (no, we don't talk on the phone, text, e-mail etc) b/c of D13's performance and I was not feeling well and was at home when he came to visit D's. I can tell you that I will not have any contact in the next several weeks either. I'm not doing this to get any kind of response out of him, but so I can get my own stuff under control.

I know your kids are younger than mine and it may not be possible for you to have as little contact as I do. It has really helped me to put things into perespective and to take care of myself.

I know you have to deal with everything and it isn't fair. It's stressful and you need some kind of outlet. Any ideas?

An Outlet?? I thought involving myself in my kids would be my outlet....but getting them involved with stuff, leads to H being involved.

He did text me today to see If I was having a good day. I didnt answer him. Then he tried calling me twice. I didnt answer then either. After about 30 minutes I was feeling guilty for not answering and I called him back to see what it was he wanted. He said he just wanted to make sure I was doing ok since I didnt answer his text. He also said he knew I was kinda in a bad mood this morning and he wanted to make sure I was ok. I just told him I was fine and that I was just not in the greatest of moods this morning.

Please, an outlet would be great! I do know I do so much better when I dont have contact with my H. Actually it is easier....but I end up seeing him nearly every day of the week because of the kids activities....except when he has a meeting of some sorts with EMS/fire. I guess last night just irritated me because he stayed home. No meeting. Just him time. When do I get ME time?? I dont have a choice except every other weekend. Things have got to change and soon.

I think it's great he wants to be involved with the kids and their activities. Would it be possible for him to take the kids to their things without you having to see him? If not, then just a "hi" and go be somewhere else? I don't really have an answer for you. My H will come to one or two of D13's shows a year, but otherwise does not see her practice. If he happens to pick her up (which he will next week) that's about it. He decided to move about 60 miles from here, so he sees them on Sundays and I am not here. I'm sure you'll get some ideas from others here that may be more helpful with this.

As far as an outlet goes, I really don't think your kids stuff fills that bill. If you didn't have any conciderations besides what you want, what kind of outlet would work for you?

Well, Im taking an outlet this weekend I guess....I am having a get together tomorrow night and on Saturday night I am going out with some friends. I am looking forward to both.

I guess I am struggling with a few things right now. I see that my H is having a hard time with things. I know those things are mostly his feelings for the OW. In a way I want to be his friend. I want him to be able to talk to me. I know how he feels to love someone and then they are with someone else. I know the pain...but on the other hand I think to myself "good, he knows what losing someone you love feels like" I dont want to hear about him missing the OW. I could care less....then again I want him to feel comfortable talking to me, but I know he doesnt really want to tell me how much he misses her. He knows I dont want to hear it and he is probably trying to spare my feelings for a change. It is just a struggle on what to do now. I know I should leave him to be with his thoughts and emotions, but How do I let him know he can talk to me. Im still also struggling with the fact he said if either of us want to date, we can. I have no plans of doing so until there is a final divorce just for moral reasons.

Kissak....time, time, time, patience, patience, patience...

You said you don't want to hear about how much he misses OW and you know that is what he is struggling with right now...so why let him know he can talk to you???...

I think the comment about dating was to bait you...to find out if your still "waiting" for him or if you are truly moving on and out of his life...

So just be patient...give him time...and let him work this out on his own and with his therapist...that way you don't have to hear the stuff that you really don't want to hear...

Lin

Thanks Lin....time and patience...going on 16 months now. Im tired. I really am. But Im wondering also what us "dating" other people and even going out with each other as "friends" he said meant. Was he baiting me? Does he really want to see if Im moving on? I think he is so down about the OW because she has moved on and is dating other guys.

I dont know, Im just ready to go out this weekend and enjoy myself. Maybe he will wonder a little what Im doing.

How would knowing exactly what he meant in the moment he said that help? Then you mind would go to does he still think that. I know it's hard to let go of all the thoughts that can clutter your mind. I struggle with it all the time. Mostly I find something to do that takes my mind in another direction (if I have to....crunches).

I hope you have a great time this weekend. Try to keep the focus on you and your friends and leave as little space for him in your brain as you can.

HUGS