Trying not to be negative and have bad expectations, but I have been through so much this past 2 years with H that I am afraid to think anything positive. Everytime I do, things seem to explode! I am trying not to think anything at all but it is hard.
As for the info H has told me, I have not asked. The conversation we had sunday morning and sunday night was all initiated by him.
I sense from his voice this morning that he seems to be distancing a bit from me. Quick conversations....maybe he is processing things. Who know.
Focus on me and the kids.....I know that is what I have to do.
Right now I am asking God to help me with my stand. It is getting so hard. Sometimes I just wonder if I am being totally manipulated by my H's actions.
Yesterday was the first I saw H since he left early in the morning last week. We didn't have a ton of contact. I just did my thing and tried to be dim.
H came by yesterday. S16 was out and he volunteered to take d13 to practice. He dropped her off and came back. He handed me a check for his portion of the car insurance and then began to tell how bad things are at work (financially). He tells me he is looking for a job but noone want to hire him. I am skeptical to believe this but...whatever.
After our business closed H chose to be a bartender. No benefits. Hours that conflict with the kids' schedules. Relying on tips in this economy. H stated....this is what he is good at and he didn't want to "work for the man." I am sorry, but in my mind I really have a hard time feeling sorry for him if his job isn't going well........he can certainly get other employment but chooses not to. He has had offers...but didn't follow through.
Anyway, H mentions the papers to sell the house and I told him I was not ready to sign. I have a hard time doing this to our children. Our mortgage is half of what rent on a 3 bedroom apt. would be in our area and I will not move the kids out of their school district or town. If H had a "real" job we could afford this fine.
H started crying. Saying how he isn't able to afford the house. That it needs to go on the market....etc.etc.etc. He proceeded to tell me how miserable he is. How he has lost his children (especially s16) and how scared he is.
I tried to empathize but it was hard. I did a lot of listening and when he asked what I was thinking I questioned why he is so miserable. He talked about MOW. How he doesn't think she will ever give up her family for him. How if he was with her...would he really be spending so much time at our home when he is off. I just honestly don't know what to believe out of his mouth.
He told me that he loved me....but I think he was referring to that "I love you ...you are the mother of my children" love. He told me he thought about me every day. He again questioned how I could still love him if he is the awful man I think he is.
He again said something about MOW and I couldn't hear him so I asked him to repeat himself. He said never mind. I can't talk to you about her. I couldn't help myself and said is it because I was right about her all along.
We talked for a bit longer. H reiterated the fact that he is so messed up. Apologized again for not being the man I wanted. I told him that he was...that I never told him to leave or that I didn't want him. That he chose this path. That he left me because he was so unhappy. That I was the fool to believe that he was happy all of these years. I apologized to him.
I finally had to go get s16 and left in tears. H left as well. Probably to report in to MOW. I am so tired of this. I truly am. My H does not realize that our children are a gift from God and that we were put on this earth to care for them not to break their hearts.
H is working tonight. He called me twice today to check on d13's practice. He is a lost soul. I am not sure...he perhaps is a lost cause as well.
Snodderly, I find myself doubting so much. Do you think his actions are to manipulate me......or is he this screwed up? I cried all night last night. First time in a long time I have done that. I am so sad and confused.
A, Your h is one screwed up dude. What a conversation! Of course, the mow is most likely not going to leave her family. Why should she? She's got the best of both worlds and she knows that your h isn't working up to his full potential. She's stringing him along and using him when she's most likely bored. The poor guy--thinks he's gotten something there and it isn't.
As for his children....well....I honestly don't feel sorry for him. He's the one that had a choice, i.e., either stay at home and work on his issues or leave and play disney dad whenever he felt like it. His children are growing up each and every day and that's something he won't ever be able to say he enjoyed being a participant in.
Now about the house, you are very smart. The housing market isn't very good right now and why should you and your children up root and move just because he's lacking initiative and responsibility at the moment to help you with the payment? I most certainly wouldn't be in too big of a hurry to put the house on the market. Your children need stability and right now, school and the neighborhood are that. You need to know that you can come home and not worry about neighbors all around you banging on the walls, being loud and lord knows where you would go and find a home as nice as what you currently have. No, I would sit this one out for as long as I could.
A, I don't you don't like to do it, but you've got to remain dim and not be so readily available to him. He's got to find a way to hit bottom and the only way to do that is pull the life raft back to shore and allow him to swim in.
Time to really focus on you and your children and let this man/child figure things out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly: Been so busy with the kids, between softball and swim, and work this week....it has been nice not worrying about H. He did call me several times at work this week...which was ok since MIL had an operation and he touched base regarding that. I sent her flowers and he seemed very moved by it.
Last night d13 and I went out with the softball girls after the game. We had a blast. It was fun. I was so tired when I got home, I went to bed knowing that she had a tourny today and we would be up and out at 8 for an all day event.
When I woke up this morning there were two interesting tm's from H in the middle of the night. The first said "You were right." The second one said "I am a fool."
Now in context with our discussion last week when I asked H if MOW was ever going to leaver her H for him or if he gave up everything for nothing....I am wondering if that is what I am right about.
Whatever....Today at d13's tourny my phone battery died. I did not hear from H prior to it going....and have not heard since. It allowed me to go dark with no effort!!!
Guess we'll see what happens. Moving forward and not worrying.
A, Just leave him be. He's got to grow up and learn to take those first steps on his own, just like a toddler learning to walk. You can be there in case he falls, but you can't help him do this.
As for his comments, well....just listen and know that God is working on him. Yep, the battery dying was a good thing and just think....you didn't miss his calls at all.
Hope the tournment is a win for your daughter. Enjoy your day and know that he will contact you again very soon. He can't cut the tie w/you and the his family and that's very important in the grand scheme of things. I'm still praying for his healing and hope that God will turn him around in due time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H tm'd early this morning. He asked that d13 call him..her phone was out of batteries. I called him and put d13 on the phone. He wanted to take her out to lunch but she was tired.
I got on the phone to talk to him. I needed to know if he was taking d13 to practice tomorrow and also how MIL is. He sounded stuffy and I asked if he had a cold. He said no..he is just blah. Anyway, we talked for a bit. He questioned by battery dying but I just let it roll of me. He can believe whatever he wants.
A little while ago he sent another tm asking to have d13 call him. She did. He picked her up to go see MIL. When he arrived he looked like crap. He could barely look at me and didn't speak much. He apoligized for not know if he was working yet tomorrow...and he also said he wouldn't keep d13 too long.
I told him to keep her as long as he wanted. They haven't seen each other since thursday.
So, once again....don't know if this is drama for my benefit only...to get me to sign the papers (or because I won't sign) or if something is truly brewing inside.
Guess I will wait to see...in the meantime I am just going to keep doing my thing.
D13 Called. H was picking up wings at our fav. place. He pulled up in the driveway and let d13 out with the food. She said he drove away crying because he was upset seeing MIL in the hospital. Not sure what he really was upset about.....wondering if he is close to bottom. Who knows? Not going to think about it. Off to a softball meeting.
A, He just doesn't know what to do w/himself, does he? The next time you communicate w/him, be sure to thank him for the wings.
About the mil in the hospital, he could very well be concerned and doesn't know how to express himself. He could be getting a huge does of mortality by seeing his mother in a place that he's not visited very often. Authority figures are suppose to be strong and never show weakness, and yet, his mother is lying in a hospital bed. Is he bottoming out? No one knows, but I suspect he's not. He's got a ways to go from the way he's behaving. He's just a very confused duck who can't decide which pond to be swimming in.
Try to have a good week. I do hope that your mil makes a speedy recovery.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Didn't hear from H since he ran out on Sunday. I sent him a tm on monday to thank him for the food and also for a check he gave me for some activities for the kids. No reply.
Today I call him around noon. D13 school called and she was sick. He was cold and snippy on the phone. Said he was in the middle of installing a toilet for MIL and would get her in a few minutes.
I called him a little while later and apologized. I had only thought he might want some extra time with her. He still seemed cold....but did pick up a dinner and a few things at the store for me after he got d13.
He sent me a tm telling me this...and I tm'd him back thanking him. He said "no problem" and that was that.
I know he had counseling on monday (d13 told me). Usually he comes by after or offers to pick her up at practice. This week...no.
I know I am analizing Snodderly, but is he going dim on me? Or is he just angry about the house and looking for me to cave?
