Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives There and Back, up and walking #1

lwb! lol, you are so funny. and any drink you want, you know you can have! such a st. louis girl, with the bud, though, aren't you?

kimmie lee, let me know if you do and we can chat about it. looking forward to it...especially since, as hard as it is, sounds like there is some humor. I need humor.

superdad, I know what you are saying. letting go of control is a really good thing, but I'm trying to balance that along with being prepared. I'm done with pretending I don't know where things are heading. fully expect an e-mail this week from h with a mediator's name and likely and appt attached to it.

funny, and I suppose this is true for a lot of people, but boy have I really learned a lot about myself thru this process. about what is important to me...I'm talking bare bones nitty gritty stuff. gives me a real focus that I have never had before.

so h has been distant on the phone yesterday and now this morning. and I noticed when he was here on sat. he was looking at bank statements and such. which I suppose is him getting his ducks in a row (he never looks at this stuff).

can I just say I hate the lack of commincation. I suppose in few divorces do couples go thru it with their cards laid out on the table, but I hate this feeling. just have to say that. i hate it. I hate the feeling like a mini-bomb is coming. really, why does it even feel like a bomb (mini or otherwise?). I fully expect him to find a mediator this week. I fully expect the ball to start rolling on the divorce. so why does it feel like this?

I guess its that wobbly feeling of being out of control. no security. security is huge with me, so the not knowing, well, that is tough. I e-mailed him last week that I hadn't had luck getting recommendations on any mediators yet and asked how his progress was, told him to keep me posted. got no response (at least on that part of the e-mail, got responses to the rest of it/kid stuff, so know he got the e-mail).

The more I have gotten to know him, the more I should expect this. he's not comfortable with all of this, either. the openness definitely is uncomfortable for him. so I need to learn to expect a certain amount of subterfuge.

need to learn to let go, and to let those mini-bombs fall where they may, and just keep on walking. but I hate that they still feel like bombs!

just had to share. thanks for listening.

okay, did three things that made me feel much better today. I wrote h and e-mail that was straightforward, opened the communication up myself, and told him what I need. next, hit the gym after taking my eldest to school. and while at the gym, a song I haven't heard in a while came on that kind of fired me up. the combo really seemed to help clear my head.

so that is good.

Hey, Sally. I hope that a mediator surfaces for you. Even with my collab process, there are 2 Ls involved, each looking out for their client's interest. Not as adversarial as the standard mess, but there are secrets and manuevering on both sides. And it will take a lot of research on your part, if you are the one with access to the financials. I did 95% of the work on the D I didn't want.

My L recommended "Taking the War out of Words" by Ellison, and "The CoParenting Survival Guide."

We went to VA Beach a few years back around this time of year--it was great! Just before high season, and the bike riding on the boardwalk/kite flying/beach were great. Hope you have a great time!

Ooh, reading one of your posts reminded me of something that I did that was pretty cool. I know that you'll have gluesticks and paper lying around ;0)

Get a pile of magazines and flip through them. Rip out any picture and/or words that seem to pull you--don't think about it, just rip, go with your first instinct. Then use them for a collage. Again, don't think about it too much--just what jumps out at you, what feels right, what looks right.

We did that at a retreat I went to recently, and the facilitator told us it would become our Vision Board, a vision of what your life can become, something to focus on in the future. Other participants had done them before, and found that they even "predicted the future." After completing them, the facilitator said to keep them in mind whenever dealing with decisions and stressful events--the vision board is your heart. Will your next decision/choice mesh well with your vision and bring it closer, or is it at odds? Helps keep you honest with yourself and on the intended path.
Also, if you read it left to right, the objects that you tend to put on the left are more of what is, the objects to the right are more of what is yet to be.

I have mine hanging in my bedroom to look at every morning. It is really positive, and it seems that I will be doing more traveling and artmaking in my future! :0)

Sally, just finalizing SA with a mediator, just wanted to ask you if you've talked to a L before going to mediation. I dont' mean retain one, just go and lay out to the L where you stand and what you are asking for, you'd be surprised of the stuff you are overlooking. At the requests of many people in this board I had a consultation with a very awesome L who gave me so much great info and helped make the greatest desicion regarding the house.

You will need a L to look at your SA before you sign it anyways, so you might as well go see one now, I highly recommend it. I did get some books, one was "The divorce mediation handbook : everything you need to know " by Paula James, it was very good.

I also been married 10yrs and together 13yrs with this past March.

donna, thank you so much for all of the advice! really appreciate it and will check those books out. actually looking forward to the planner I already ordered. kind of sick considering this isn't what I want. and no doubt I'll be doing a hell of a lot of work for this D, but h is going to have to step up, too. the vision board sounds very very cool. and oh yes, lots of glue sticks and paper in my house.

cat, yep, I've talked to 2 different lawyers, which is probably why I feel pretty decent. I mean, not great, but at least I feel like I have a handle on things, if only slight. we'll see what reality brings. and yeah, the more I think about it, the more I definitely will be retaining a lawyer to look over the DA. thank you for the book recommendation, off to check it out.

SallyM! Check in!!

now lwb, you know I have been far too busy dealing with, well, the ick factor, at my house to check in.

ugh. S2 got the stomach bug. the last holdout gave in at 6:30 this morning. ugh ugh ugh. will this bug ever be gone? all 3 kids home today, hopefully tomorrow will be a new day. when H came over after work I nipped out to the gym. didn't particularly want to, but omg, I needed to get out of the house and that seemed like the best option. glad I went in the end.

not much else to say. the house is quiet for now, but have clean sheets on standby in case things get ugly again.

ya know, h called me yesterday to let me know about a bonus he got for doing a good job or something like that. not a huge bonus, just this out of the blue one. and all I could think about is, gee, where is mine? god, where is even a pat on the back? I think that is one of the hardest things right now. when we were married, I always felt appreciated for all that I do. but now with h gone and in his own world, I just feel so alone in it all.

so the thing to figure out is why do I need any kind of appreciation other than from myself? I guess its the puppy dog in me. a nice head pat and ear scratch (not to mention belly rub) is sorely missed at times.

just one of those days I suppose. guessing dealing with the stomach bug from hell is probably not helping my mood. dear god make it leave my house already!

Last time that hit my house, the Drs at the ER told me the only thing that kills it-sometimes-is bleach. I bleached everything and washed my hands raw. Hate to tell you, but we don't build immunity to it--you can catch it again! Praying that you are through the worst of it, though.

Is H paying support to you at this point? If it is a percentage of his paycheck, maybe he brought it up to see if you would ask about a percentage of the bonus...
I can only hope at this point that my some of my stbx's end-of-year-bonus from Jan this year will end up in a savings acct for the kids; I am going to ask about it.

I know that days like today suck. Hope that the kiddos are feeling up to getting outside with you a little tomorrow. The weather is supposed to be beautiful, and the nurseries are stocked with pansies and snapdragons. I am going to try to give a corner of the yard over to the kids this year to plant what they want. I saw a cool thing in a mag that had a sweet pea or stringbean teepee-fort, made with the climbing vines and long branches. Sunflowers are a hit with them, too.

btw, you are appreciated for all that you do. Every time one of your little ones wraps their arms around your neck and kisses your cheek, know that they appreciate every rule you enforce, every boo-boo you kiss away, every clean set of clothes they wear....they will always remember who was there for them. You can even say their "thank you" silently in your head when they come give you a smooch.

It might sound cheesy, but try to write down all the things you do in one typical day--it can be a Yea Me! list. Think of it as a list of proud accomplishments. I finally got a handle on housekeeping when I stopped thinking about it as work, and starting looking at it as blessing my home and my family-just a change of mindset, and I feel better everytime I dust or vacuum!