Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Aussie Girl woth H doing his own thing

Hey Essie!

How great to hear that your NZ trip went well. I am SOOOOOOOO jealous!

I'm really glad you're doing well, and interested to hear that MIL thinks H isn't coping well. Perfect DBing, by the way- that'll get back to him for sure, and hopefully get him interested.

I'm glad you've set yourself a limit on moving on. 4 months sound good, and a year is not unreasonable for H to take a few steps towards you. If he does would you consider DBing on?

(((((Essie)))) I missed you!

L.xx

Dear Essie, thank you for visiting my thread and for your lovely and thoughtful post.

I'm not familiar with your sitch (yet), will read your old threads tomorrow (it's pretty late here).

Just wanted to say hello.

Thanks OD and Stella for stopping by.

I talked to H last night. A good Db move was that I mentioned I'm meeting heaps of new people and making lots of new friends. H sounded interested in who those new people might be! I'm thinking I might really need to play the jealousy angle and make H feel like he could be losing me..... thinking about it anyway.

Also we talked about some friend of our that are going through a divorce, but have been separated for 2 years. And its getting really petty and nasty. And I said to H how glad I was that its not like that between us..... then later in the conversation we talked about how he is coming to do work on my home (paid building work) and I asked if he was OK with it - and he said yes and asked was I OK with it. And then he said he was grateful that he could still do things like that for me (!) and that we weren't like our other friends getting the divorce (I guess meaning that we can be friends). So I think that was really positive - even if we dont get back together, we are agreeing that we want to be friends. And it means that both of us have to work on it being cool, and not awkward. (Well I'm hoping H got that meaning ha ha!!)

So I'm going to see H on Wednesday night to do bathroom building stuff. Wish me luck. I'm actually just looking forward to seeing him, cause its been a while. NO EXPECTATIONS though, just hope to make the little friendship bridge a bit stronger with each interaction.

Hi Essie,

I am glad you enjoyed your trip. Your convo with H sounded positive. Remember what they say, friendship has to come first before the rest follows.

I would be very cautious with the jeallousy thing. Some men take it as a clear sign of "being done". I trust you know him of course but I would try to be very subtle about it.

L&XXX
K

GOOD LUCK ON WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Essie!!!!

WOW! Sounds like you and H are making some real progress! I love that you guys spoke on the phone (and it sounds like a longish conversation too! The jealousy angle is interesting. I think it'd be a good idea to play on the GAL for now, and not mention any specific men if that makes sense? Just make him jealous of your super-fun life in general for now. That leaves the male interest angle open for future use too!


GOOOOOOOD LUUUUUUUCKKKKKK! You're going to do brilliantly, I know it! And how many baby steps were exactly in that conversation?! A chat about a friends D?! H wants to be friends and be amicable!!, and he wants to do things for you!!!. Fabulous!

Sounds like things are moving slowly ever closer to stage 2. I'm so excited and happy for you Essie!

(((((hugs)))))

L.xx

Esssiiiiieeeeee!!!!

I am so glad to hear about this conversation with H!!!! Wow, sounds like you were able to talk about some really sensitive things in a very caring and open way. Sounds completely different from where you were a few months ago!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember a while back we were discussing different possible plans for H's visit on Wed? Like you were thinking about giving him a bottle of wine, to say thank you? (but no muffins, that's too motherly, I remember!!!) I was thinking, is there a gesture of appreciation you could do that would enable you to spend some time together so you could show your changes? Like something not-motherly, but where you could sit down and have a tea together, or go out and have a drink... an empanada... a croissant, or who knows, play darts?

I am so glad to hear your trip to NZ went well and you were able to spend time with your girlfriends. As for the GF who is havig an affair... It is really hard to see people you care about doing things that are so destructive. ay yi yi...

PLEEEEASE keep us posted on Wednesday's visit!! I feel a big shift in interactions, relaxation and connection... awesome. All because of how hard you've been working!!

(((((((E))))))))
T

(((Essie))),

good luck! I hope everything goes well for you on Wednesday.

Hello, Essie!

How did Wednesday night go?

(((Kalni))) (((One Day))) (((T))) and (stella_k)))

Thanks guys for checking up on me!

Last night was good.
Two good positives. The best was that I saw him, and he left and I was totally OK. Didn't agonize over everything I said or he said. Definitely felt detached.
The other positive was that he hugged me when he saw me. The best part of that is that he is making an effort to be my friend, and for us not to be so weird. The hug was nice - like the hug you give an old friend. We also seemed to talk OK, and I noticed that we were both smiling lots at each other.

So H arrived, hugged me, we chatted, I showed him the bathroom, we discussed bathroom stuff. When we talking about the shower H mentioned his mum's shower which is small..... but I was thinking how we had showered in it together (to save water ;)), and I was brave and thought what would OD do.... so I said something about how I needed to make sure that this shower was big enough for 2. But H ignored it, or didnt get it!! ha ha!! My attempt at flirting... but maybe it was too much!!
Then my dad arrived and we talked bathroom stuff more, and then H and dad discussed other building stuff outside without me, and then H left. Apparently he called out goodbye to me, but I didn't hear him. I kind of think it was OK, because I know it left me wanting to spend more time chatting with H, and I'm going to assume that H wanted to top, but couldn't because Dad was there. And I think that that's good - leave him wanting more.

So my game plan is now to wait and see if H can think of an excuse to contact me. Otherwise it will be 2-3 weeks before he starts the building work. Its probably weirder for him to be back in our home, than it is for me.

You know I'm just really happy that if we are going to divorce we can divorce as friends. I still hope that we can create a new relationship. But if nothing else I'm so glad I found DB because otherwise there is NO WAY I would be able to be friends with H. And being friends with H is more than enough for me. Detaching has been so key for me.

Essie,

thank you for stopping by my thread and giving me sound advice!



Essie, you are amazing ! I wish I could have half of your strength and kindness.

I see many positives (I don't know your sitch well enough to call them baby steps)in your encounter with H. He is feeling comfortable around you and making an effort to be your friend, sounds like you are firmly at the friendship stage.

I wish you a wondeful weekend! talk to you later, when I get back.

((((hugs))))