Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Enjoying my life!!!

Thanks Cagzmom.....I appreciate the compliments!

Im a little worried about H tonight. This is what is going on. I told him that there was NO chance as long as the OW was in the picture. He had to cut all contact with her for there to even be a fair chance. He agreed but werent sure he could do it so he didnt know what to do.

Tonight he was supposed to teach a class. I found out that he didnt go. He has been missing since 5:00 this evening. I texted him and said I hoped he was ok...he texted me back and said "no, Im not ok, Im somewhere trying to clear my head" I just replyed that I understood.

Why has this got him spinning again? All I have done this time is beat him at his own game in my opinion...I have told him to make a choice before given a chance...I honestly would have thought he would have said Ok...Im going back to her.

Dont know what hes doing...probably getting drunk. I know he is a big boy, but he has put a gun to his head before, and now he is off the meds again....

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.

WEll, my H is still alive...that is good.

I didnt see him at OW's house this morning or at the ems building, so I am assuming he is home...although I dont know. But just to show that I care and wanting to make sure he was still alive....i texted him and said "good morning".

I got a "good morning" back. I was tempted to ask if he was ok this morning, but I dont really think i should. I am going to try not to text him at all today. Im wondering if he was able to come to a decision last night. Although I dont think he will ever have any peace with any decision he makes about this....he will just have to live with the decision he makes.

I was really hoping he would keep the kids tonight. I had asked him yesterday, but he just said he didnt know...so, I guess I will make plans to have them with me. My son has a game tomorrow and belt testing in tkd. I also have a baby shower that I am giving that I have to be at. He was supposed to help me, well yesterday he had forgotten about everything going on tomorrow, so now I dont know what Im going to do. I have no idea if he will show up or not, guess we will see.

Hi kissak,

your H is trying to figure things out, is a good sighn. Let him be.

You now have to be strong and patient. You told him you will be working on your marriage when OW is out of picture and now he has to deal with that.

Let him be. You are doing the right thing. THere is nO WAY your marriage will work out if OW is STILL inthe picture.

It will not be easy but you have to be patient and let him be.

Notice i keep rpeating that. I have been on the boards for a long time and realize PATIENCE is key.

just keep living YOUR life andkeep your focus on you and the kids.

If you want the spinning to stop, cycling, you have to stand strong.

((Hugs)))

Thanks kiki...yes, it is good that he is thinking about things. I really believe that he will never be able to let go of the OW until he loses the "in love" feeling for her he keeps talking about.

I am living my life and I am focusing on my kids.

I am patient, Lord am I ever that! I am going to let him be for a while.

I know he will never give her up though to work on things with me. I hope Im wrong.

Stop saying that. You are worth it!!

I know I am worth it...but does he?

I ended up having to speak to him today. I found out that our tax refund had been withheld due to back child support owed. He only owed for one month, and that was the month he had moved back out in sept and he had mailed in all payments. He isnt a dead beat he in my opinion shouldnt have been made to pay that month because he had paid alot of the bills for me because he was living there....but anyway he did pay, but something wasnt right in Raleigh and they ended up keep almost $2000. He only owed $64....really I have no idea what is going on. I cant find out from child support until the end of the month because they dont show him owing...anyway, I had to call him. I left a message for him to call me. He did about 30 min later. When I answered he said "yes"...no hello or anything...I just said hey and u ok? He said Yes, Im ok...then I told him about what I had found out. He really didnt act interested or anything. He told me to call the IRS...so, I said I would. I asked what he was going to be doing on his day off! Trying to be upbeat...he just replyed...absolutely nothing. Sit on his a@@. I said ok, and I hope he enjoyed his day off. He said nothing else but thanks and bye.

I recognized that he wasnt at OW's house and that there was a different vehicle at her place. Maybe she will find someone else. Maybe he went to his therapist this morning...who knows. Im just ready for him to hit bottom already....

He is looking for answers and God is up there waving at him and saying "ask me!" Why do people wait to ask for God's help last?
When will he realize that he can be happy if he will have faith in God? Sometimes it just takes having someone hit rock bottom for them to ask...

I do remember asking him months ago when was he going to "try" God....he said he may do that next. The devil has his grasp on so many of our spouses it makes me sick. SOOO many people around here are leaving there spouses because they dont love them anymore or they are having affairs....it is so driving me to do something about it....I have this desire to want to help people who are in trouble marriages and I have no idea what to do.

*sigh*

Hi kissak.

You said/asked:

Ok. Stop. Just stop asking the question. To me, this says you are terminally available to him and this is the type of thing I can see leading to premature action on your part. You need to stop thinking about this. You need to stop talking to him about this. You just need to live and let him do whatever it is he will do. Stop texting. Stop wondering what he is doing.

Enough of this too. The problem is not the OW. The problem is your H. If I recall correctly, this is not the first time he has strayed. As for hitting bottom, I have know drug addicts in my day. Death was bottom for some of them. His bottom may never come.



Know what. From what I see he is being a jerk. He wants to punish you for not letting him have his own way. Stop trying for him. He has to try for you. Actually, he has to try for himself.


This is not the devil. This is his human side. What he is doing isn't evil. What he is doing is human.

See kissak what you are doing is making everything in your life about him. You are making it about his life, what he is thinking, what he is doing, where he is, where he isn't, and on and on. What you are doing is staying on the merry-go-round. Get off. The park is closed. The season is over. Next season will come again, but you will be older. Your tastes will change. You will look at the merry-go-round and head to the ferris wheel. You need to back away from the insanity. You need to be able to be able to tell the difference between the quick fix versus the long-term fix. And by your constant attention to his state of mind and body, you are not doing it. You are staying on te merry-go-round.

So, walk away. Walk away from his instability. Do this for you. The fact is you do not need this man and he may never change, but you are doing eveything to show that he never has to worry. He knows he can buffalo you still. He is still playing you. But you are not going to be able to tell when he changes tactic. There is no quick fix for him. Step away. Leave him alone. Don't engage him. He is still trying to suck you back in. Long-term solutions...many, many months...perhaps years. This man is not changing overnight. But he is reading your words to suggest that he can. You need to prove to yourself (not him) that this is not the case.

IMP

Going back to yesterdays post to you, I simply do not get how you can be thinking about "him choosing you."

Is it that simple?

I mean, even if you believe he has, for whatever unknown reason, decided to break it off completely with the other woman, do his recent words somehow convince you that he is otherwise devoted to you?

More importantly, if this is really MLC, and if MLC is really a process for these spouses, are you ready to take him back before he's completed his journey? Keeping in mind of course that his journey so far has involved sexual relations with other women AND proclamations of love for BOTH of you?


The point that I'm trying to make Kissak is that your husband is a dope right now. He's a MLC moron. His head is so screwed up that you are good guy/bad guy, the person he loves/the person he hates, etc, etc.


Why do you want to LIVE with that each day?

Are you eager to emmerse yourself completely in his madness, just so you can say that he's come home?


I'm with IMP here. Leave the man alone. Quit pondering HIS choices. Quit worrying about where he is. You said it yourself, he's a big boy now capable of making his big boy decisions.


For the life of me I cannot imagine why we are constantly DRAWN to the madness of our spouses in MLC, but trust me, it's totally NUTS.


Blessings,

Bill

Sorry, I really cant help how I feel and that is all I post here. I cant help but think about it. Really all I want is to go on with my life and I dont obsess about him like you all think. Im ok really. Im not on his merrygoround. Ihave given him a choice to make and really I just want to know what that choice is so I can have a direction to travel...really Im just taking care of the kids and me like ususal and just posting my thoughts here. Im not as bad as your making it out to be.

Its not that I want to say he is coming home. That isnt it at all. I dont want him home. Really I was doing just fine when he was with OW.

Thank you IMP I do value your words though. I do listen and alot of times when i write things they dont exactly come out like I want them to...

I dont feel like I make my whole life about him. He will not guilt me into anything. He is being a jerk. Im just going to go ahead and go on with my life like he is never coming back.

I just think I did a 180 this time on him and he didnt like it at all and he may make me feel like its all my fault...but I KNow its not.

I have alot to do this weekend than to worry about him.

Really I only texted him once today and I only talked to him because of tax stuff. I just slipped up on the asking what he was doing stuff.

BUT I AM getting further along at this every day.