Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hope4us' Struggle, part 2

H4U,

I didn't know they worked 250 miles apart. While you can't guarantee that they don't see each other, or come in contact with each other, you can certainly minimize their opportunities. I still say she should look for another job. Consequences.

As for your kids, you have already told them what was going on, and what you required of their mother for you to stay. They're smart kids; they can do the math if she goes. If asked a direct question, give them an honest answer. But don't INITIATE those discussions with them when there's nothing new to add, as it will only add to their anxiety level.

Puppy

DS19 knows what I've asked of WW for me to stay and try to work on the marriage. I haven't shared that with DS16 yet, but I will. Maybe I shouldn't do that. And it really has nothing to do with me turning the kids against her. I've made sure in my conversations with them to make sure I don't bash her at all. But I will be HONEST with my kids. I think it would do them more harm than good to lie to them by omission of any of the facts. If she can't handle the kids knowing WHY we're separating/divorcing then sorry. It's consequences. She keeps repeating to me that I've made her look bad. Excuse me? I've made her look bad? Hasn't she taken care of that herself?

I still don't know what her having another job would accomplish. There's still email/phones anywhere you work. And I believe for the most part that they won't be getting together, but the EA is alive and well if you ask me, and I just don't know how to get around that. And if I suggest a different job, boy, talk about controlling.

Thanks for all the help guys. I'm heading home. DS16 is spending the night with a friend so I'm sure we'll have time for some "fun" conversation.

I'll try to post in the morning what happens.

H4U.

H4U,

Does your wife and the OM have a legitimate business reason, based on their job duties, to be in contact with each other at work on a regular basis?

Puppy

Pup, No she has no business reason to contact him and I know what you're going to say, expose to work. That is kind of touchy, but I've been talking with a number of my superiors (whom I consider friends) to see if there is a way we can make sure OM doesn't get another contract with our company when his current one ends in a year and a half.

Now for the update. We talked last night. Like we haven't in a year. I got a lot of stuff out, so did she. I told her that if she could look me in the eye and tell me that she did in fact tell OM on Monday that she couldn't talk to him any more, I would accept that. But if she's lying to me about any kind of contact I will immediately file for divorce and custody and expose why to her family. She's agreed to get rid of the affair stuff. She wasn't happy about that but I finally convinced her. She won't see a marriage counselor or do the Retro weekend (at least at this point and I didn't push it), but she'll consider reading a couple of books, "after the affair" for one.

I told her that she was going to have to earn my trust just like I was going to have to show her that I'm working on the issues she had in the marriage that led to the affair. I told her if she's lying to me again and this is just another manipulation tactic that gives me and especially the kids false hope that that would be unforgivable. We talked about triggers I have and how she's going to need to be understanding of those and help me get through them. Don't think in her present foggy state she gets that totally yet, but she gets the idea.

She's still VERY FOGGY. I talked about some stuff I'll need to heal i.e. that big hole in the puzzle that she knows and I don't and she's not ready to go there yet so I didn't push. I didn't really expect her to be ready to go there yet, but I've got time.

So of course, just when I think we may be headed in the right direction, at least with a small hope that we might make this work, OMW text messages me and says her lawyer is considering calling me to testify at her divorce trial with OM. Great, just frickin GREAT. What do I do with that one? She said if I didn't want to she would tell her lawyer not to call me, but if he thinks it's critical to their case, he might supoena (sp?) me.

So, what a night. I guess I compromised on the NC letter, but she knows without a doubt what the consequences are if she breaks NC. I figure I'll give her some time to defog some before pushing for more. She's still VERY angry about me exposing her STD to OMW and OM. She didn't go into it, but I was right all along, OM wasn't too happy about that. Of course I'm sure she lied to him and told him I was making it up, but the seed was planted. Maybe that's why she doesn't seem to be going through too much WD at the moment, as that exposure happened 2 1/2 months ago and she was pretty down for a number of weeks after). I don't know.

I guess I'm going to use DB and act "as if" she's telling me the truth. If she's lying I'll deal with that at the appropriate time. Not ready to move to Piecing yet, but maybe soon....

Ok, gotta run into work for a bit. I'll check in later.

Hope4Us.

Hope,

You compromised on a LOT. What I hear you saying is, "I told her this time in no uncertain terms that these were my deal-breakers, and she knows I mean business, but I let her only do half of them, but she knows that NEXT time, by golly, that she has to do ALL of them, or else I'm filing for divorce!"

You blinked. I'll have more later, but this alone trips the "RRRRRRRR!" buzzer:



All cheaters lie. She has already shown you that SHE will lie. The great job you've done recently, up to this point, has only made her even more desperate, which means she's HIGHLY likely to say ANYTHING to avert the consequences from kicking in.

So from a person in that frame of mind, and your self-described fog . . . you are taking her "word" the she won't have contact. Doesn't seem wise to me, at all.

No Retro weekend, no MC. No "no-contact" letter. And, she now has YOUR issues on the table, even though she has YET to addressed the infidelity on your original terms, and they will be addressed apparently without a professional MC present to help call her on her bullchit.

Like I said, you blinked. It won't work. Sorry to be so negative, but that's how I see it and it's what I would tell my little brother or my best friend if they were going thru the same situation. I strongly suggest you reconsider, and tell her you've had a change of heart.

Puppy

P.S.



She will never "defog" as long as there is contact, even business contact. If there is no legitimate business reason for them to have contact at work, then she should seek employment elsewhere to minimize the chance of contact with the OM if she is serious about working at the marriage. The fact that she won't go to MC alone, however, shows that she's not, and she's only playing you.

I hear what you're saying Pup. And I agree I compromised on some of my conditions. But she agreed to get rid of the affair stuff, is considering reading the books and while I compromised on the no contact letter, she claims she told him on Monday that she couldn't talk to him anymore. Is she lying? I'll never know right now.

I told DS16 that I had decided I was going to give her the benefit of the doubt and give our marriage a try, but if there is any contact at all I will file for divorce immediately. He told me that he's already told her if she's messing with them or him he will never talk to her again. Does that mean she's telling the truth about the NC? Maybe yes, maybe no. Thing is, if she wanted to, she could send the NC letter and turn around and tell OM she didn't mean it and just did that to make me happy, so part of me believes that if she hadn't told him she couldn't talk to him again that she'd agree to my request for the NC letter and turn around and send him an email saying, ignore that.

Am I concerned about her not wanting to go to MC? Not right at the minute. If she still refuses in a given time frame, then I will have some trouble, but I really didn't expect her to agree at this point.

Did I make a mistake? Could be. But I guess here's my thinking. Someone has to break this stalemate. If I have to take the leap of faith, I'm willing. Like I've said many times, I'm done. If I found out today that she was lying to me and still contacting/seeing him, I would walk immediately. Both boys have told her that they would never talk to her again if she was with OM even if it's after DS16 graduates. Everyone in the world knows OM is a player, so even if there is limited contact right now, he's going to disappoint her sooner rather than later. So if I have to act "as if" the affair is over for a while, I can do that. I've seen indications in the past that if I would have had the strength to hold out, it probably would have ended on it's own.

Maybe I'm stupid and I blew it in the 4th quarter, but I'm going to take my chances. I know cheaters LIE, but I saw some real emotion from her last night that I haven't seen in a long, long time. I just might be back here in 3-6 months saying you were correct and I caught her again, but I'm tired of this crap and want to see where we can go, one way or another.

On a side note, tell me what I do about OMW wanting me to testify at her divorce trial? How the he!! do I handle that one. I told her I'd rather not, but what if they supoena me?

One more question Pup. You said in your sitch that once your kids found out that it was pretty much the end of your W's affair. How long did it take?

I guess what I'm thinking is DS16 will not let up on her, so even if she's in contact now, don't you think it will weigh heavily on her mind there by ending the affair sooner rather than later (if it's not over already?)?

Hope,

I'm only going by where you've come from. I even went back and read ALL of your posts this morning -- here and on MLC. There is a pattern with you and your wife, where she mollifies you for awhile, you back off the pressure, and she backslides into her affair (or perhaps she hadn't ever even ended it).

I see a lot of "she agreed to" and "is considering" and "she claims" and "I told"s. What people in affairs, and their betrayed spouses, SAY means very little-to-nothing. Their ACTIONS is the only thing that does.

Empirically, MOST marriages that have already been broken by infidelity will suffer from a recurrence without a bullet-proof no-contact and transparency plan. The fact that your wife has been carrying on as long as she has, and the fact that her boyfriend is a SERIAL ADULTERER, makes your odds much, much worse.

I just calls 'em as I sees 'em. I could always be wrong. But I would encourage you to go back and read your own posts with as unbiased an eye as you can muster.

Puppy