Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Hope4us' Struggle, part 2

Hope,

Forget the "withdrawal/conflict/intimacy" loop; I think you need to read up more on DETACHMENT. You are way too hung up on what SHE is going to TELL you, much less what she is going to DO. You're all over the road, man, and I mean that as a loving 2x4 and not as a slam, cuz dude, I'VE BEEN THERE.



You just answered your own question! So why are you doing it??



You've already TOLD her all of this, ad infinitum. Kudos to you for nutting up the nerve to do it, but -- having done it -- MOVE ON. DETACH. GET A LIFE, and follow the DB stuff that MWD teaches about making yourself more attractive. But do it for YOU. You're beating your wife over the head with the same thing, over and over again, and there's nothing she can SAY, anyway, that should make a difference to you. If she ASKS YOU, then say "Actions, over time -- not words" and move on. But you need to stop initiating the 10th time you're laying out your "terms" to her, in my opinion.



I'd suggest you give it some time. Don't tell HER your timetable; only tell her that "my patience isn't infinite, so please hurry," but YOU should have one. Maybe it's six months (I personally think that's a good time frame), or maybe it's only 3 or even one. But give it your best shot, in FULL, LOVING DETACHMENT MODE, while not allowing your boundaries to be violated unchallenged. Don't you want to be able to tell your kids you did that?

And speaking of your kids . . .



I meant to bring this up to you before, but please don't use your kids' college funds as a weapon, and don't use your KIDS as a weapon. You exposed to them; they're 15 and 19, I think that's good and appropriate. Some would disagree. But having done that, DON'T KEEP INVOLVING THEM. I made this mistake; we ALL do. It's very easy to fall into, but this is going to be a tough, confusing enough time for them. Try not to use them as a weapon, or even as your own "confidante." Come here for that, and we will help you.

btw, if she gives you the "don't tell the kids anything more" line again, simply say "You're in no position to dictate the agenda of what we tell our children. I have told them the TRUTH, period, and I will continue to do so. I suggest you do the same. Now please don't bring this subject up again."



Enemies don't respect weakness, H4U, and right now, your wife does NOT have your -- or your marriage's -- best interests at heart, sad to say. Stop expecting her to "do the right thing," but rather just lay out for her (as you already have, and quite well!) what the consequences are if she doesn't. You seem to be looking to her to acknowledge your virtue and efforts here, and she is the LAST one who's going to do that for you. Take your kudos from within, and from us here, and from your sons, with whom you're doing great work. Your wife will be the LAST to come around, if she ever does, and you have absolutely ZERO control over when, or even WHETHER, she does.

Sorry for the 2x4. You know I'm pulling for you.

Puppy

This has got to be my biggest pet peeve because my H has said things like this quite frequently. He once broke the kitchen faucet by punching down on it....Why? Because I made him do it. Since I was acting like a "b****", I made him do it. Interesting how that works.

H4u, HOW does your W MAKE you do anything? Is there a gun being held to your head to actually make you go through with doing something like this?

You're angry, understandably so. But, dude, STOP and THINK. Why should S19 have to suffer because his parents are angry with each other?

There's got to be another reasonable way to come up with the money, if needed.

Ok, I think I understand what you're saying. And check on the college stuff with the kids.

But how do I not let my boundaries be violated when she's so much as told me she won't respect them? It seems to show a weakness if I say now "ok, let me back up, here are my boundaries I have and you need to meet them, but it's ok if you don't for a while".

I can do the detachment thing, but how do you detach and inforce any boundaries you have? Isn't the definition of detaching "acting as if"? If I'm acting "as if" then how do you inforce those boundaries?

Do I just say to her "I'm not going to fight with you. You know that NC with OM is what I desire as a condition to staying in this marriage"? or do I say to her, "Ok, we'll try it your way, you've told me you've told OM that you can't talk to him anymore and I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt on that one, but I will not remain in this marriage if there's continued contact"? Then maybe add something about her having to show me that she's maintaining that NC?

Should I then say that I'm willing to try it her way, but I will not stay in the marriage forever if she's not willing to give me what I need?

Sorry to sound so confused, but I am at this point.

You cannot FORCE her to not see him. You CAN ask that she respect your boundaries, and if she insists on carrying on her affair, some of your boundaries might be:

- no phoning or texting OM from within your house. Let her go stand outside in the rain if she wants to do that;

- no phoning or texting OM in front of your children;

- no spending of marital assets on the affair, whatsoever -- cellphone, hair, make-up, lingerie, meals, ANYTHING that enables the affair.

Your current boundary is "I won't remain in a marriage where you continue to have contact with another man." That's great -- perfect. It's up to HER to decide if she's going to respect that boundary, or face the consequence. The implied consequence is clearly Divorce, but you DON'T have to give her a deadline, and you can continue to say "I don't want a divorce; but I am NOT willing to live in an open marriage."

"No-contact" and "transparency" are trickier things, and totally different. These ONLY come into play IF and WHEN she agrees to end it, (supposedly). Then you simply say "OK, great, then you should have no problem with thus-and-such," which is what you did, and if she fights you on it -- which she IS -- then you say "I have no other conclusion that I can draw other than you're not following this because you are still in contact with him, and having an affair. I will proceed accordingly."

And you don't have to tell her what "accordingly" is. :o)

Does that make sense??

Puppy

I guess I'm at the point where she claims NC. So I just say to her tonight, "I'm not controlling you at all. You said you've told OM that you can't see/talk to him again. Why is it a problem to send a NC letter then? If you won't/can't do that I can come to no other conclusion that you're not really in NC and hence still having an affair with him and I will act accordingly?"

Then maybe you line "I don't want a divorce but I am not willing to live in a marriage where you continue to have contact with OM".

Should I just drop for now the getting rid of affair stuff and counseling/books?

Yep.



No, not if it was part of your "deal-breakers." You don't have to DROP, ANY of them. Just don't keep bringing them up over and over again.

Think "Saddam." If you're going to ACT like you have weapons of mass destruction, then the world is going to have to take you at face value and react accordingly.

If your wife wants to be a "madman" and refuse your terms out of stubbornness/pride/spite, and she is, in fact, NOT in contact with OM, then that's going to be her problem. Everything you've asked for is perfectly reasonable, and no reasonable spouse would make any conclusion OTHER than she was still in contact (or at least WANTING TO BE ABLE TO BE) with her boyfriend by her refusal.

Got 'cha. Ok, I think she may bite on that.

but the thing that stinks is, how will I ever know if there's contact if it's going on at work? She could keep up this sharade for ever.

She needs to quit her job, or request a transfer, if possible, if she is serious about trying to repair her marriage.

Would her employer be supportive?

We both work for the same company. It wouldn't matter if she transferred or if she quit her job. We could transfer back to our hometown but that still wouldn't stop her from emailing/calling OM. She could still email him from where ever she was working. In reality, unless the two people involved in an affair are working at the same location, quitting the job is pointless. And OM works for our company but at a site ~250 miles from us.

I've just been going over in my head what I'm going to say tonight. Man, this whole thing stinks. I know you guys say to not involve the kids, but if she won't bite on the NC thing, I don't know how I couldn't tell the kids that's why I'm filing for divorce. Maybe I'm wrong, but I WILL BE HONEST with them.