If I may interject an observation in support of how H4U is feeling:
Yes, your W agreeing to the NC letter is no guarantee she will really comply (adulterers lie, we all know that.)
But then your W dragging her feet about NC is (to me at least) a sure sign she is not really sincere about making the M work. She may still only be ambivalent, rather than trying to be outright deceitful, but I think we can all say she is definitely not certain about working on the M.
The best way to judge what to write is to know what you want to achieve....what is your goal? Setting boundaries is fine if you are willing to enforce and live with the consequences yourselves.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
The best way to judge what to write is to know what you want to achieve....what is your goal? Setting boundaries is fine if you are willing to enforce and live with the consequences yourself.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
You're misunderstanding me. I don't think you should waver one bit on your terms. I'm just encouraging you to communicate more hopefully to you your vision for the future of the marriage if she absolutely DOES follow the plan.
If she DOESN'T, I think the consequences for THAT should be equally clear (but you're not really having a problem with that part, LOL).
Usually, I'm encouraging just the OPPOSITE -- wanting folks on here to be FIRMER. I try to offer a perspective on what I feel is missing from each sitch.
The best way to judge what to write is to know what you want to achieve....what is your goal? Setting boundaries is fine if you are willing to enforce and live with the consequences yourself.
Ditto.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Hope I dont post much but did want to offer a bit of advise from someone who was in your shoes. My wife is now asking for another chance but I just dont think I have it in me. I could probably get past the affair itself but right as her and Mr Wonderful were ending things she got pregnant.
I see some thing that I think are blatant mistakes on your part that I just want to point out. You told your kids about the affair and I think you had a right to at their age. Now leave them out of it! This is a problem between your wife and you. If she feels you are trying to sway the children to favor you she may never forgive you for that. They dont need to know what your rules are for working on things. If you really want your wife to come home you have to quit rubbing her face into the mistakes she has made.
She probably doesnt like you much right now and couldnt imagine leaving her wonderful affair for you, so quit asking her to. You've told her your thoughts about working this out, you dont need to keep telling her. It comes off as desperate. Have you been accused of being controlling? If so the last thing she wants to hear from you if she only listens and follows your steps that she can have a relationship (that she doesnt want right now anyway) back.
The one thing in my situation that made a huge difference is how I went on with my life. I became an even better dad. I started exercising and got in pretty darn good shape. I made sure the house was spotless anytime she dropped by. I didnt date but told her since she left I didnt consider it a marriage anymore and she was free to date just dont have them around our child and I would do the same. This drove her absolutely crazy she told me she couldnt understand how I didnt miss a beat while her life was in utter chaos. She realized I didnt need her to have a good life and the saddest part of the whole thing is that I realized it too.
Ok Going, Puppy, Sara. I've thought about your comments and come up with a letter with a different tone. I guess I can always pull out the FU letter if she doesn't respond to this one. Comments please.
WW,
Help me out. I’m having a hard time trusting that you are serious about wanting to try to make our marriage work with your continued silence in not responding to my note on Tuesday. Maybe you’re still thinking of how to respond. Maybe you’re still deciding if you can give me those things I need to feel safe that you’re sincere in wanting to give us a try. But let me explain what I see from my perspective. In that note I asked for three things to make me feel comfortable that you were serious about seeing if we could work it out. These three things would go a long way towards showing me that I can begin to trust you again. If you can’t/won’t do them, I can only think you have no intention of giving us a try.
If you honestly told OM you couldn’t see or talk to him again, what would be the harm in sending an email/letter saying that just to give me some peace of mind? If you truly want to try to make us work, why not send an email/letter? By you not agreeing (at least yet) to do this, I feel like you don’t care about what I need to begin to trust you again. I also question if you truly are serious about never seeing/talking to him in anyway again if you’re not willing to do this. If you are being honest with me about having no plans/intentions of being with him, then this should be no problem. If we’re going to give this a try, this is something I need to begin to trust you again. If you can’t do this little thing, how am I to trust that when you say you’re going somewhere or with someone that is truly the case and you’re not getting together with OM? Because you say “trust me”?
The second thing I asked for was for you to get rid of anything related to the affair that you still had. Pictures, cards, notes, Victoria’s Secret stuff you bought specifically for OM. If you can’t agree to that it says to me that you are unwilling to let go of the memory of OM and if you can’t let go of those things, you will never give us an honest chance at seeing if we could make it because every time you look at those things you are taken emotionally right back to the affair. Put yourself in my shoes. If I was the one that had an affair, could you honestly tell me you’d be ok with me continuing to hold on to anything that would remind me of my affair? I can understand you possibly being reluctant to do this, but if you’re serious about giving us a try, it is another thing that will give us the best chance to succeed.
The last thing I asked for is to either see a counselor or read a couple of books on how to recover a marriage after an affair. We both have a lot of stuff to deal with. Like you said there are trust issues on both our parts that will take a lot of time and effort to get past. There is a book called “After the Affair”. It is written for both people involved. It helps explain both perspectives. I know I need help understanding your side of the story because right now I just don’t. I also would like to know if you’ve considered the communications weekend thingie (Retro) I sent you the link to. The three things (dominating a conversation, treating you like a kid and controlling) I’ve heard you say you have problems with me on are all communication related (if I’ve understood you correctly). I want to make those changes because whether we make it or not, I don’t want to be that way. So if there was something we could do that would make us both better communicators, wouldn’t it be worth the try no matter what happens to us?
This is all too important to everyone involved to not make a serious effort. There are four lives at stake here. I can not and will not be a party to a false recovery effort only to destroy the kids and my emotional well being once again, whether it’s in three months or two years or whatever. I’ve had a year of my life stolen already and I refuse to have another two years of my life taken from me. My confidence has been destroyed. I now question everything in my life that I knew and trusted. Our family is suffering tremendously and I can no longer stand by and do nothing about it if you’re not serious about giving us a try. These three things I’ve asked of you are necessary for me to feel like I can trust you when you say you are willing to give us (all of us) a try. It would be far more harmful to let myself and the kids think there was a chance for us to make it if you have no real intention of trying.
Help me. Talk to me. Share with me your feelings. I can take anything you have to say. If we are truly to heal from this I will have to hear a lot of stuff from you that will HURT me to hear. But it’s the only way for us to recover. Like I said in my note Tuesday, if you will do the first two things I’ve asked we can put any relationship talk on hold for a while until we can get past some of the anger and become comfortable around each other again. But until I can feel that I can trust you’re serious about trying, I won’t be able to begin to trust anything.
Hope4Us.
What do ya think?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
