Well it has been a week since my last post and I have been very busy. I have been working a lot and I also have been organizing my house. I also have been talking to my kids a lot!~
A few nites ago it was as though my H called me in the middle of the nite to answer my prayers...... he said he loved me very , very much and needed me in his life and wanted me in his life and he also said he needs me to teach him more of what I KNOW and tell him what is best for OUR FAMILY.... he said he wants me to be the boss and be in charge.
I had to make sure I wasn't dreaming... By the time he called me 3 times in a ROW~ I was quite sure I was awake....
Now while I know he literally does not want me to be bossy he has given me the oppurtunity to open up so much more. And put in my input for our Family and it will be heard not taken as me on my high horse.......
Earlier that evening he frustrated me and he knew it too . I told him....
"well you call me when you have fixed all your problems* down there" " in the mean time I will let you go"
" I love you, but I have to let you go.... I would like to go to sleep without tears tonite" " so take care ..." " and call me when you can."
( which are problems he cannot fix, his MOM his SISTER and HIS Brother and HIs DAD) * you simply cannot fix people*
So when he called me he said all that beautiful stuff and he also said "I dont want you to tell me to take care I want you to love me and teach me "....?
I dunno if me being strong and loving ....
and not enabling has helped him get here or not???
~ but I will take this.
I am also going to have to work thru not losing sight of it and letting him call the shots again that is no fun.
I have to be comfortable and strong enough to call the shots too. To do whats best for us . to let him know how he can help and when he isnt......... I dunno I am thinking out loud it is all just so much to swallow at once. I have dropped the rope more or less and now he wants me to "tell him " what to do....????
I wont tell him what to do cause I dont want to control him or try to go down that dead end road again. But I do want to show him that TOGETHER we can accomplish so much. ~ TOGETHER, seperately on our own two feet , yet in love and together going towards the same Goals and being strong on our own and then together we are stellar.
~Wow can I just Babble......
I guess maybe I make no sense I am just so excited... I have waited what seems like forever for him to say what he said to me that nite..... FOREVER~
I did also tell him I will hold you to what you said, like I am holding myself to grow sexually with you and not let you down really let you feel me. I will also not forget WHAT YOU SAID TO ME OR ASKED OF ME.
I have prayed for you to say those things and show me that side of you for what seems like forever and now I will not let you try to go back to the way things were.
I do see taht me letting go and letting him confront himself has surely helped. It was hard and long............. but the results are just starting to show and I am excited and somewhat scared to see where we go in the next few months. He will be home someitme this week and I am getting ready.
I am also reading Passionate Marriage again..... and this time I need ACTION...... I need to just do it.........
I do think he has shown himself to be worthy and that he also is trying to make this better and I am seeing that is a HUGE turn on FOR ME.
Crazy but it works~
the more I let go
~the more he has fallen in love with me ( and I with him ) and put in an effort to talk to me, not at me.
What is sacry for me is GOD has handed me this precious gift and I love it. Yet I am working acitvely to move forward like this is something new and not look back as though I need to. I do not want to look back anymore. I do not want to let the past get in my way. How can I find a way to move forward... and free myself of the burden of carrying the past around. The past did help me to grow but I want it to stay there now.
I am getting better at holding onto myself and self soothing but I really want to move forward..... and stop looking back as if someone is behind me ready to take my Happiness.... more work to do. God bless....
April 1, 2008 Relating To The Negative The Danger Of Repression For the last several years, there has been a lot of focus on the power of positive thinking. Many people have come to misinterpret this wisdom to mean that it is not okay to have a bad mood or a negative thought or feeling. This can lend a kind of superficiality to their relationship with life and relationships with other people. It can also lead them to feel that if a negative thought or feeling comes up, in themselves or someone else, they must immediately block it out. When they do this, they are engaging in the act of repressing a part of themselves that needs to seen, heard, and processed.
When we repress parts of ourselves, they dont go away so much as they get buried deep within us, and they often come out when we least expect it. On the other hand, if we allow ourselves to be fully human, honoring all the thoughts, feelings, and moods that pass through us on a given day, we create a more conscious relationship with ourselves. Instead of blocking out thoughts and feelings that we label as negative, we can simply observe them and then let them go. They only get stuck when we react to them negatively, pushing them down and out of sight where they get lodged in our unconscious minds. A healthier solution might be to develop a practice of following any negative thought we may have with a positive thought. This works well because positive thoughts are many times more powerful than negative thoughts.
Rather than setting our minds up in such a way that we become fearful of the contents of our own consciousness, blocking out anything that is less than 100 percent positive, we might resolve to develop a friendlier attitude toward ourselves, trusting in our inherent goodness. When we recognize our true inner worth, a few dark clouds passing through our minds will not intimidate us. We will see them for what they are small, dark figures passing through an expansive sky of well-being and truth.
Well I will try this one more time. I was typing and then suddenly the window just closed.
I am doing well and actually feeling optimistic about my future and my life. I have been listening to Oprahs' new eart Webcast and it is really hitting home with me.
I see how it is going to help me oh so much.
To grow and move forward instead of staying here stuck in my self and stagnant within my own Life.
I also see how I have been afraid to feel the old and just push thru it and let ig go. I have the power within me and always have.
I have the power to love my H and to love myself more importantly, but ~I was in my own way. I have the power to feel the ugly feelings and then let them go and not hold them in me anymore. I alone have been sentencing myself to carry around this pain. I alone have the power to let it go and not hold onto it anymore. My H can ML to me and tell me he loves me til he is blue in the face and while I hold on tight to the past I will stay there.
I am sooooooooooooooo tired of living there and living in my old way and not living in the now and enjoying what I have here in front of me. My H is in front of me and I want to love him like he and I deserve and instead of Ml to him and feeling him...... really feeling him I am stuck, stuck in the past like I am in the mud literally and I cant ML to him when I am in my head thinking about all this other bullsh*t. So yes on paper this seems so simple but I for one know it is not.\It is extremely difficult. But I am at least aware now and I am going to work hard to be in the now. I am going to work hard to let him feel me, not my fear not my pain and not my insecurities. ML to those things instead of him.
I still struggle with this and hope to one day be able to say yes I ahve released my inner sexual being for good. I also see that I need to desire him not to just be in the mood . I need to want him , he has to feel my want and my need. I was comfortable in the fact " ~Well he knows I love him so EVERYTHING is ok and it should all flow"
Wrong and also I need to flirt with him more.... Maybe then he wil flirt more with me in the long run. I dunno why I have that part turned off in me.. that will be something to look for in me and ignite.
I have been trying to understand this and look at it upside down and sideways and bent over backwards and it didnt trun on any light for me and it had no action behind it. I need to shine within myself and feel who I am so I can let him see me and feel me once and for all.
It is so much easier for me to hide behind everything. I can hide behind all the pain you caused me cause you hurt me and I dont want to open myself up anymore and take the risk anymore. Why risk it when it can just be ok.
I see now that I am asking him to love someone who is not really me. He sees who I am underneath all the faking it. I am a beautiful Woman who is scared out of her mind to let go and turn myself over to you. If I let go instead of holding on so tightly.... ...... maybe you will really see who I am.
~...... fall in love with me even more and maybe I will be so Happy I cant contain it. That would be so foreign to me, I am used to the pain.
......used to you letting me down. And letting myself down too!
If I take this chance will I be able to shine when you fall down and arent there to pick me up. I want to learn to love myself enough for me to shine regardless of you. Your love isnt enough I need to love myself and know that I am IMPORTANT TOO!
I love you but you were not put here to hold me up when I am feeling weak all the time. I also was not put here to fix you.
I vow to stop carrying the past with me into the bedroom and into our life as much as I Humanly can to set my pain free and to really let you see me and get to know me the me who is here underneath all the fear and pain. It was easier to carry it around than to let it go and chance getting hurt even more.
I want to live now, live with you in our home and wherever we are make our love better and ML to you with my being, not my fear. ~Wow I bet it will feel so amazing. I cannot wait.
I am excited to live this "new" way and a little sacred too. A little scared that now that I am aware I will fall down more than triumph.
I am ready to take care of myself , love myself and love you too. To realize how beautiful I really am and to be free of the past and the way it holds me down..... I really think I am......
So yes on paper this seems so simple but I for one know it is not.\It is extremely difficult.
No, it is not easy. But it can be done.
You are essentially working on changing your thought patterns... ones that you have formed through the years. Now you're forming new thought patterns. This will not happen over night, but it will happen.
Your first step is to understand what will make you happy -- all the things you said in your post. Letting go of the past, finding ways to love yourself, to be loved, etc...
Now you understand at a rational level what needs to be done. Now your emotions need to catch up. This part is harder. Practice, practice, practice. When you find yourself thinking your "old" way of thinking, STOP. This is hard, but do it. Tell yoruself to STOP. And remind yourself that the more you do this, the easier it will become.
It's like working out. When you first go to the gym, it's hard... you're huffing and puffing, your legs are sore, etc... But the more you go and work out, the less you will huff and puff and the less your legs will hurt. The same thing is happening with your brain and your emotions.
You are doing great. Just rememeber that this will not happen overnight -- and give yourself the time to make these positive changes in your life.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
THANK YOU SO MUCH for your post. I really do appreciate it... for some reason it made me cry. I guess cause you are acknowledging my work and movement and change. My H truly believes I can just snap my fingers and change. I wonder if when he feels this new me I am becoming he will sense a change? This is harder than H*LL.... but I will succeed. It doesnt have me on my knees and curled up in a ball like when I was seperated but a different type of hard and growing....
it is amazing to me how much you can see when you are aware .... when the burdens of the past are just that ~in the past. God Bless you Peaceful Spirit......
Alimari, sorry but I have to say, work with what you have, and not what should be. ...from OG LOU on SSM board.....
you know what I love this.....
I have been thinking about this comment a lot. My whole life I have been trying to live in a way that pleases GOD and a lot of people would tell me noone else lives in the world you do Alicia, noone else is that open or non judgemental.etc etc etc etc blah blah blah.....
Yes I need to work with what I have and not what should be.... this is the amazingness I am referring to. For me it can be the whole post or it can be just one sentence that pops out at me and inspires me to get even further out of my box and think ..... people have so much beauty in them and with just a few words can help someone else tremendously. So I thank you and I know/think you werent even referring to my R but that I where it is going to help.
I also have done this a looooooooooooooot in my Marriage.
I have been so busy working towards what could be that I forget to enjoy the ~NOW.
The time when I am present with my H I miss it totally. I am their in body but in spirit I am not. And this way of living and also ML is going to change. It has to!
I want it to change my H does too~
I do believe I am ready for it. I do want to get the book Sex Starved Marriage.. I currently am reading a NEW EARTH and have read Passionate Marriage many times.... but what I needed most to see was that I wasnt in the moment I was in the past. Lovingly dragging it with me every where I went. Like the blamket you see toddlers carry around. I know I keep repeating the same things over and over but somehow it is helping me to purge this out of my soul. I have realized that I have done this with many things...
BUt most of all when I was ML to my H where was I ?
Was I really feeling his love for me? I dont think so , I was feeling many others things but not the pure beauty of him with me, sure he wasnt always the Man he should be but if I was there why couldnt I take that as a gift? ..... why did I ? *(*&&&*) I dunno....
I cannot answer that and I dont want to dwell once again .... ......just putting my random thoughts on paper.
I know I did all these things and he was ugly too.
I wonder if I can seduce him , if I can be the sexual being that God created me to be. That with Marrying you..... I am supposed to be, a sexual being, freely without fear. WE are supposed to be one til death and yet sometimes you scare me so much and I scare myself too. I have always loved you.
...... and have always been in love with your being not so much in love with your physical attributes. I have always loved you the essence of who you are and now I need to find the place in me that sees who you are physically and wants to touch that and enjoy you. The solution still eludes me at times cause I felt loving who you really were would be enough. It wasnt.......
and when we are together we ML all the time but how many times did I really take you and take your flesh against mine and feel you? I can say that some times I have and that is when it felt so beautiful I was brought to tears.....
I know you need this and you need me to give myself to you in a way that will be good for us both and bring us closer. And while I was in love with you and your body is also beautiful to me....
.... but it came in second to me.
.... for the love that bursts in me for your being, takes over and has more strength.
.... you seem to love my body so much and I needed you to love me, who I am under all that. Underneath the flesh there is ~A me who was dying for you to touch.... I wanted to feel you ,not just feel you on my skin. I wanted to really feel you touch my soul and love me for that. For who I really am.
So here we are and we are wanting the same thing really.
I know I will help you find me and I will find a way to touch you and make you feel me. I want to find a way to truly feel you and feel you in me in a way I never have before. I want to feel you. I really do. I know God will help me with this... I always prayed for you to open your eyes and ow I have to also open mine.... you need me to love your form and not just your soul and I need the opposite. I have faith we can do this, because now you are seeing. I always prayed for you to be able to see me, not just the breasts and the booty but me, I am not my body after all I am so much more, and I used to ask myself if you ever saw beyond that?
I am sure you do now. And while I want you to transcend and love who I am underneath the D cup Victoria Secret bra... I need to accept that too.
.... it is a part of the way you show me you love me, it is all you knew. I am a Woman above that but I am starting to learn to take it and smile or laugh. But that is why when you call and say I should tell you what I have on for undergarments it is not the first thing I think of ,,,, but I must remember that for you this is important. So one thing at a time but I hope one day you will fully see who I am and look faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar beyond those things that I wear on my body.Or what my Body looks like. I feel like if I get past my hang ups you will also one day transcend who you are now,,,,, I need to guide you and be your teacher. Take you in my hands and make you feel me, show you how to love me too. Not just rock your world but rock every cell you have so you can finally see me and who I really am. Open your eyes even more .....
Ok so here I am again.... I am here in my room. sitting and just enjoying my day and then my husband CALLS..... WHAT A BLESSING FROM GOD~ we talked for over a hour and a half.... it got a little emotional for a bit and I thought I would go into what I used to.
*( dread , crying , defending my positon , trying like H*ll to make him see my point of view, blah blah blah....) and not be able to move forward in the conversation.... I didnt~ wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhooooooooooooooooooooo!
Nope I felt the pain and let it rise in me and then let the energy out... and we proceeded to have a very amazing convo.
I think I am getting better at hearing him and he at hearing me..
he asked me this and I have been thinking a lot about it not from my Ego but from that who I am.....
" what is it that I do that makes you feel like I dont love you or want you?"
Good ? and I had the answer I told him..............
Yes I finally had the answer........ The mechanics are great you perform like no other and you are the best lover on the planet but there are times when I dont feel you, I dont feel who you are beyond that. I dont feel your essence."
and his first gut respnse was " honey you need help , there is something wrong with you.." ~wow... Now I could have gotten angry and said.." well you know what buddy there is something wrong with me? you are no walk in the park either.."
I instead stayed calm and almost laughed actually..... I said... theres something wrong with me? Actually no there is not it is just like when you say to me you want to feel my Passion you dont want me just to ML or touch like a robot you want to feel me.....
so sure I can feel you and feel how hard you are trying and how good it feels but I want to feel who you are underneath all that *work/sex/ML..
.. the unseen and the untouchable... the unspoken words between us the essence of really feeling you and knowing you want me..... not feeling your body is reacting to me.........I know with my eyes you want me *(())(*(***( it is right there but I want to feel you
I am sure he thinks wow I thought she was nuts before and now she has really lost it......
I actually want from you what you are saying you want from me...
I remember I told him @ 2 years ago when I was so preoccupied in my mind when we were seperated and we were about to ML and I thought I could fake my way thru and you wouldnt know my mind was racing. I could let it go and ML to you..... it was like you read my mind and you got upset.
..... and said see Ali you arent even here... it is exactly like that... he replied I do not remember that and I said I am sure you dont but for me it was like ...
~WOW................
I have not said a D*mn thing and he can read my mind without a single word being said..
it is that energy I am talking about.....
I want to feel you really feel WHO YOU ARE and feel that Passion .....
......not just for the physical.........
HE SAID .... why havent you ever told me.... I replied... I think even if I had tried and was ready to tell you , you never would have heard me......... not really understood it.... and I started to cry.
I said you know yelling and screaming and you calling me names and then me yelling back has not gotten us to know one another quite the opppsite. I am just now really getting to know who you are......
almost 12 years later......
He also said I should not get upset when I say something to him and then he reacts........
I said are you kidding me... I want you to react!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...... just like this
.......not with calling me names etc etc etc ..
......but with really listening to me and showing that you ******* are really alive I want to feel the life you have in you.
I want to know you! I can only know you if you speak. Are you kidding me I LOVE THIS! I have waited for this for a very long time. (* he had mentioned his Mother previously..) I am not like your Mother , I do not want you to be who I want you to be , I do not want you to sit over there quietly, and shut up and be who I need you to be, who ***I think you should be.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want you to be you ****** and be alive and be known... Please do not ever confuse me with her and everyone else in the world for that Matter ,, be who you are .... I want YOU to be alive and full of life this is the you I have been waiting for.........
Sorry for Rambling.........
But this to me is sooooooooooooooooo AMAZING!
I told him it is like you finally hear me and I you.. what a GIFT!
Well my H is home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *( me jumping up and down for joy)
I am doing welll everyone. I am amazed at the changes in him and I am amazed at myself for living with him in the moment and not ~Dragging everything but the kitchen sick in our bedroom.
I dunno if I am HD now or not but I cannot seem to keep my hands off him. We are getting along in a way that I used to think impossible. He did try to start a little whining this morning and I nicely said " are you really gonna start honey? Come on."
~end of discussion.....
I am doing well and I am feeling good about our interaction. I am also proud of him , he is really so much more available now and present also.
I do feel that this time he took his extended VACATION.. with this Family in Mexico..... he changed and realized how much we mean to him.
He didnt have much fun without me *, he told me this many times.
~And really what is very important is I truly let go of him.
((((((Set it free........ it will come back to you..... * I know it goes something like that*))))))
I truly loved him from a distance and did not enable him and I also grew because of it. I used to go between being strong and being a big baby... this time I displayed a steady stream of strength and also one of dignity and that I want him in my life I do not need him in my life per se. It is very different when you love from that point.
Sure I would get emotional here and there.
....cry when he called me ,cause I missed him, but for the most part when I spoke to him I was always happy and feeling good.
*(boundaries~ 180 for me*) .. and when he seemed like "~Oscar the grouch " which I cal him from time to time. I would nicely yet firmly say " I am going to let you go because you seem ugly and this has nothing to do with me"
I find this bliss about me now and a calmness I have not felt in a very long time. Yes he is 95% better in spirit than he was two years ago , but you know it is more of my awareness that I need to create my own happiness he can just compliment what is already going on in me. I am doing it so far not having a reflected sense of self from him any longer.... and so far this feels so much better!
I still must say thank you to those of you who have given me advice over the years..... somehow you always knew what to say and when I needed you all , you certainly never let me down. I thank you all and myself for having the knowledge that I must open myself up to change and really hear what you all were saying to me.
My H as well for finally talking to me and telling me his feelings.... ~ Wives are NOT mind readers........
~~~~Most of all for letting him go.
To stumble and fall on his own..... he had to fix himself. I was going crazy trying to do it FOR HIM and driving him crazy as well......
the road to hell is paved with good intentions......
My H left to run some errands .. and I walked to the bank to send out a bil that we owed. I did not wear my Ipod like I usually do... I was about to walk in the fornt door and my H calls me. I had sadness in my voice apparently. He asked what is wrong and I said I dunno I just feel a little sad , I will be ok. and right now I feel very overwhelmed and I am crying I really truly dunno why.....
~maybe it is because I feel like for many years I was drowning in my pain and I could see no way out .. and I was alienating the one person who might help me and he was also alienating me? I dunno.... still more pain to get out of me,,, that is clear now. Doing something so precious and beautiful like ML between two committed partners is not so beautiful when your spirit is in tremendous pain...... feeling it and letting it go~ I am still on my way... and it is going to be ok. God bless....
