I had an argument the other night with W about something I said to S7 knowing she was overhearing our conversation on the cellphone. W is always weedling information out of S7 about me, so I foolishly reciprocated and did the same thing with her listening in, just to tweak her. She had taken both boys to her office with her (at 8 o'clock at night ) and I asked S7 who else happened to be there in the office so late at night. It was petty of me, I know it. W blasted me for it.
I felt bad about stooping to her level, and so I prayed to God about it. I then read chapter 13 of Paul's first letter to the Corinthians (1 Corinthians 13). I took it as a sign.
I have been pondering a 180 for a few days now. I had considered that the opposite of what I had been doing, which was going dark and detached, was to pursue W. So taken with the passage in the Bible I just happened to turn to, I figured it was time to treat my W with love.
This morning when I called to say good morning to the boys, I took the opportunity to say I was sorry to W for being so petty. She castigated me again, but I took it humbly and did not argue with her. But she cut me off short so she could continue to get the boys ready for school.
This evening, on my way down to my DivorceCare meeting, I decided to stop by the house to say goodnight to our S's. It started out well enough. I again apologized to W. This started a huge R talk -- a very painful R talk. I tried to endure the hostility and hatred. I tried to reason with W that we needed to not so much work on the marriage, but we needed to find a peace between us for the sake of our S's. W got ugly and insisted that she was perfectly at peace without me in her life, and that they would be just fine without me constantly in her face.
There is so much hatred in her that she has placed solely upon me. She insists that I "psychologically abused" her and am continuing to do so to this day. She says she cannot believe she allowed herself to suffer such "abuse" for 17 years.
It was an utter disaster. I told her that I still love her, and always have. But I want us to at least cease our hostilities for the sake of our sons, if nothing else. She totally denies my love. Her idea of what is and is not love is so skewed, she sets up impossible ideals for me to prove my sincerity. Any time I tried to offer to mend the bridge between us, she rejected it vehemently and said I was too stubborn to hear her or believe her when she says she cannot tolerate me. She claims this is a sign of disrespect on my part.
I asked her what I could do to make her happy. Her answer was for me to leave and never come back. She then threatened to call the police and to seek a restraining order if I did not leave that instant.
...
I give up.
Tonight I have made what I thought was a last ditch effort to appeal to her sensibility and her compassion as a professed Christian. She rejected it so strongly that I just no longer believe any degree of reconciliation will be possible anymore. Ever. It was so heart-rending for me... and for her.
Miracles do happen... sometimes... but it is just not going to happen for us. And I feel so awful for my two innocent little boys. I failed them.
No, sir. You did not. You did/are doing everything you can to keep your family together. And even during the turmoil of separation, you have always put their happiness/comfort over your own, made them your top priority. You are a kind, consistent, patient and loving father. Do not forget that.
She is pushing you away, blaming you for everything wrong, and rewriting history. I really feel so sorry for her, that she doesn't see what's in front of her as the real thing.
Space from her. Dark, but not hostile. No need to accept her abuse any longer. Nocode, I am so sorry.
I told her that I still love her, and always have. But I want us to at least cease our hostilities for the sake of our sons, if nothing else. She totally denies my love. Her idea of what is and is not love is so skewed, she sets up impossible ideals for me to prove my sincerity.
Nocode, you didn't blow it! I think your W is the one that blew it. I believe that our spouses are messed up and can't handle real love right now, for whatever reason. I know the last time I told my H that I loved him, we had one of our biggest fights ever, he acted like me saying ILY was a capital crime and made me promise to never say it to him again! I am thinking that maybe it is the guilt that would make that so painful to them. It sounds like maybe that is happening with your W; they can't stand to hear ILY or have you treat them nicely or the guilt will set in if they think about that. I think that is why my H always tries to pick fights with me, which he does really often. I always try not to b/c I don't want him to get the satisfaction of alleviating some of his guilt!!!
I feel so bad that I hear you blaming yourself and down on yourself like that! You know your W is the one that is messed up and continues to mess up! You have tried so hard to deal with her and you haven't failed her or your boys!!! And maybe I am naive, but you know miracles do happen and def. could happen to you, but maybe for whatever reason God has something else in store for you! Please don't be so hard on yourself (so easy for me to say of course) !!!
I appreciate the kind words, Lwb, Karen. They really help. At the same time however I have to face up to the facts. I really did fail my M; I take all my share of the blame. I have through neglect and a dissatisfaction with my lot in life allowed such hostility to be built up in W's heart that it is now irrevocable.
If matters were not bad enough, I just got more bad news today. Now my job is in jeopardy. Our division is merging with another over the next year, and despite assurances there would be no impact from this consolidation, I got word that we're restructuring in our department anyway. And because there is not enough chairs for the merged management and because I was already in a sort-of probation because my productivity has suffered in the last year (I think we can all guess why), my position is being eliminated. I believe I got beat out for it by my counterpart at the other division.
If I am to stay on with the company they will have to demote me out of a management position to take a senior analyst position, at a significant cut in pay -- or I could walk (which they offered a severance if I do).
This is another painful shock after working so hard on my PIP (performance improvement plan) this year. And I am worried now about my direct reports, my team members.
They are letting me sleep on this tonight, to decide whether I can live with the demotion or to tender my resignation. I am to give them my answer as soon as I report to HR in the morning.
I really need my job, much as I hate the heavy-handed management structure of this thankless corporation. I cannot afford to be out of work, not now -- as this could jeopardize any chance I have to stay in my S's lives. W would use this to solidify her resolve to be rid of me not only in her life but my S's lives as well, no matter the cost.
I also don't know if I can afford this apartment, the house note and child support or any of the other expenses on anything less than what I currently make.
Sorry to hear about your bad news, Nocode. I guess if you do take the demotion to ensure that you have a job, could you also job hunt at the same time for a position you really want somewhere else? Or maybe your current job will eventually promote you again? I know things will work out in the long run for you (maybe there is a job in store for you where you will be happier)!!! Karen
My only real option at this time, given I don't have anything already lined up, is to accept the demotion and keep looking. Like they say, it's easier to get a job if you already have one.
The part that worries me is that they even offered me the alternative of resigning. Makes it sound like they don't care if I stay or go. On the other hand they have been known to fire people outright when their jobs became expendable, but they offered to keep me on even in a demoted role (this is not precedented with them, as far as I recall). If I stay, they would have to know that I would leave at the first opportunity. I just don't know -- I'm really confused.
It sounds good with their history of firing, that they found *somewhere* for you to go. Sounds like someone fought to keep you, even if it meant a demotion.
My only real option at this time, given I don't have anything already lined up, is to accept the demotion and keep looking. Like they say, it's easier to get a job if you already have one.
The part that worries me is that they even offered me the alternative of resigning. Makes it sound like they don't care if I stay or go. On the other hand they have been known to fire people outright when their jobs became expendable, but they offered to keep me on even in a demoted role (this is not precedented with them, as far as I recall).
It sounds like you are making a good decision. I always say that too, they say it is easier to find a job when you already have one. I think b/c they probably wonder why you don't have a job and some people probably feel less confident if they don't have a job, and I think it is always better to go in with confidence of course.
It sounds like they really like you there as they gave you a choice to what you prefer instead of firing you. It does sound like a good thing to me they did that; I agree with lwb! Is there any chance after the demotion that they would promote you back after a while?
Is there any chance after the demotion that they would promote you back after a while?
I suppose so. Anything's possible, I guess.
I accepted the lesser position this morning, and am having to keep mum about the impending department reorg. Feels like a game of musical chairs. (I hate not being able to warn any of my colleagues beforehand.)
) and I asked S7 who else happened to be there in the office so late at night. It was petty of me, I know it. W blasted me for it.
You know your W is the one that is messed up and continues to mess up! You have tried so hard to deal with her and you haven't failed her or your boys!!! And maybe I am naive, but you know miracles do happen and def. could happen to you, but maybe for whatever reason God has something else in store for you! Please don't be so hard on yourself (so easy for me to say of course)