Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Working on my W's MLC - the saga continues II

I hate this loneliness living with her. Today she let me hold her hand while she sat on the couch. I'm trying different things to bring us closer. Her lack of affection silently hurts my heart.

The only comfort I have with my stich is when I read the six stages of an MLC. I believe my W is definately deep in an MLC. Its difficult to pinpoint what stage she's currently at. I feel her replay will always be in our M. My W likes to party.

My hope is she's in the withdrawl stage. If not then I have alot of waiting left to do. To gauge where she is I'm watching to see if she starts to apologize for everything. I don't think she will say she's sorry to me. There was an OM in her life but the relationship wasn't physical.

Our councelor says we're co-living together. This sucks.

Its depressing living with her. I want so bad to leave this house and continue living. I'm only venting and nothing has been put in the works. I keep telling myself my D wouldn't handle a divorce. In reality I can't handle this sham of a marriage.

Fixer (Not of marriages, or broken hearts. Its only a screen name.)

Dear Fixer:

Think positive, and you'll see more positive results. The fact that you're living together, holding hands, and attending theraphy is a plus. I hope your therapist is a SBT though. If not, please e-mail Michele's office for a referral.

When one spouse is thinking of divorce, its best not to pursue, nag, argue, or mention the ILUs. Basically, non-relationship issues is best. "Following her lead" means to allow your W to set the pace. If she wants to reunite, or suggests a particular outing, "go with the flow". Remember, there is a cause and effect to our actions. If you make demands, it will send her farther away. Remain composed, and allow her to sort things through. Right now, your aim is to implement the GAL, and 180s. The benefits will pay off.

I hope this helps.

Keep DB'n!
/Tia

Hi Tia,

Thanks for responding to my post. Unfortunately, our MC is not SBT focused. When she dropped the bomb, she agreed to go see a therapist. I didn't know about SBT therapist at the time. Now, she doesn't want to see a different therapist. We're stuck with the one we have, but I'm not.

So I have to follow my W's lead. What if there's isn't a lead, what do I do? I thought I was working on my GAL, but I'll try to step it up a bit.

Thanks so much for your help.

Fixer

This weekend I felt a bit down. If I wasn't doing something with D I was sleeping. It seems my bed has become my best friend. This morning I woke up early enough for work, but I wasn't motivated enough to leave the bed.

My W stays home during the day and I talked to her three times. The first time to tell her I was there for her. The second time to rephrase what I said and tell her I'm there if she needs anything. The last time to tell her nothing; until she got me talking.

She started off telling me I must have something on my mind. Of course I did but I wasn't going to reveal it to her. She told me to just say it so I did. I told her I'm an emotional person and I'm sorry she's not. For some reason your so guarded I said to her. You don't have to keep these defenses up with me. I'm willing to listen if you need me to. I told her that not having emotions is like being a robot or you're going to blow your top.

Then I ask her if the hugs I'm giving are bothering her. She told me if she didn't want them then she would have pushed me away. Then I told her that when I put my arms around you it bothered you. You didn't say anything, but it bothered you. She said some of the time it bothers her.

I'm so confused. My W use to break my fingers (she seemed to have forgotten about this)or elbow me in the ribs when she didn't want me putting my arm around her. Now I can put my arms around her but not all the time. When I do she doesn't say anything but it still bothers her.

Fixer

^bump

Lissie,

If you read this I want to let you know - your prayers are helping.

You're a good friend who I never met. A caring and funny person who was hurt by her husband. You're a strong person who fights for her family with a good right hook.

M&M are lucky to have you as their mom.

Sincerely,

Fixer

You know what lovey.

I was just having a hard time this morning. My kids left with Javier, and the thought of him taking MY kids to go see Susan, still makes me want to vomit, as much as I try to let it go.

Then, I read this, and it warms my heart. You are one of my angels Fix, always cheering you on. I get frusterated that I don't have any solutions. That is why I offer my prayers.

I just know that no matter what, you and your D are going to be ok.

Luv ya sweetie, and thank you.

Fixer,

While it may still bother her, it must not bug her as much. Is that a positive? I don't know. I know exactly what you mean by the lack of emotion thing. IMO it's depression and unresolved anger that isn't being addressed. At least that's what it appears to be with H.

Do you have plans with D this weekend?

Hi Grace,



Yeah, you're right it is a positive! I was afraid she was at that silent anger stage.

She maybe a little depressed, but the silent anger thing could be more the issue. She's a nice person that's why I fell in love with her. Too many people (except for me) walk all over her, which can be making her angry.

Weekend plans for D. Yesterday we went to a father D dance. She was still talking about it this morning.

Today - I going to be shoveling out from yet another snow storm.
Tomorrow - We'll build another snowman.

Thanks for your opinion I value it alot.

Fixer

I so understand the silent anger issue. One of the things my H's moving out has done (for me) is to be (and expect from him, yes with clarity) much more communicative. I see it as at least as if not more necessary now.



Yea! I hope you got pictures.



Bummer on the shoveling, but the snowman will be fun.

HUGS