Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Any chance?

I'm not an expert but in some ways, I think that it would be similar in some ways to DB'ing with someone who is in MLC in that it does make it more difficult but I don't think I would say that it is impossible. My H is having MLC and in a lot of ways I think he acts like he is bipolar, very Jekyll and Hyde behavior is how my C has described him, I know that it is not as severe as what you are dealing with though, but maybe some of the chapters and info on MLC would apply though. Anybody else have any agreement/disagreement on that? Karen43

It does feel like a MLC. Almost a Quarterlife crisis. She brought up many similar issues. Any solutions I proposed to her legitimate issues she presented were not good enough for her. That led me to believe something else was bothering her. That was confirmed that night when I tried to look at her phone and she assaulted me.

I feel so crummy today. I really feel like there is little hope. This girl meant the world to me is gone. After a long term relationship, she wigs out, wants no part of me and won't even tell me what really happened (possibly forever based on the no-contact order)... I know I had shortcomings but I gave her so much. I have improved myself, and I keep working on it but I feel so empty doing it. I cant help but feel hopeless. My marriage was the most important thing in my life. She was the most important person in my life as well. I'm so frustrated that I'm being treated this way and the pain is so deep. I want to find some way to reconcile as rediculous as it sounds or at the very least some closure.

Germ,
I don't understand why she has a no-contact order against you. Aren't they usually used abusive situations, to keep abusives away from people they are harming? You said she got physical with you, you filed a report, but yet she got a no-contact order? How did she do that? I realize you may not have answers but that is really confusing. Perhaps she does have some sort of PD.

It does seem extreme that after a fairly long-term relationship, you just go no contact. It would be nice to have closure. Can you somehow make that a part of the D agreement -- that you need closure? You said you could contact her via the lawyer. I have a feeling she doesn't want to hear from you. But on the other hand, what would it hurt. But you don't want to get yourself in trouble with the no-contact order.

I don't think you're in denial or unhealthy. You're M has ended in a horrible way. If you didn't have any feelings something would be wrong with you! You're grieving and that is a natural process. Give yourself some time. Are you still seeing a C?

Most people here at least a chance to try work things out in some way or another; although sometimes it's only one spouse doing the trying. It doesn't seem like you're going to get that chance. That is so unfair. I'm sure you feel like your hands are not only tied, but caked in a block of concrete.

If the no-contact stays in place, you're not left with much choice. Surround yourself with family or friends. Seek out support groups. Stay busy. (And everything RunningOutOfTime suggested.) You sound like a very sincere, caring, warm person ... someone who deserves a chance, but she couldn't give it to you.

(((HUGS)))

Joie

I agree. I know I have to move on somehow. My only option is a letter. But what do I say to her?? 3 months ago, I was going way out of my way to buy the love of my life Christmas gifts (and I went way overboard too b/c I wanted to show her how much I cared for her even though we were apart), now I'm not going to talk to her again. I'm frustrated that somehow she has this talent of turning things around. She's scared and thats why she wants the NC order. Yet I was the one with the bite marks and bruises. She was the drunk one, she was the abusive one, not me. Do I regret many things in the marriage, yes...but infidelity and abuse were two things I did not do.

So about a month has gone by. I am doing a little better. Not as depressed. I am still deeply hurt. I can't believe I will probably never talk to her again. I guess where I am struggling is my desire to move on balanced with wishing what I had would come back. Unpacking our boxes just to repack hers is so painful. I still miss her. I miss the dreams that never will be. I miss her laugh, smile and hugs. I miss cuddling. I still can't believe that the seemingly cute, innocent girl I married had the potential to cause so much pain. Its unbelievable.

I am so sorry this has happened. The relationship had obviously evolved into one that was not healthy for either of you.

All I think you cn do is work on yourself and hope that given time she will want to make contact again. Turn yourself back into the healthy, rounded person you were before you met her.

I know this isn't much comfort, but you are young and no children are involved. That means getting out and GALing should be easier for you than a lot of other folks on these boards.

Having read your posts, I am wondering if having to involve the authorities when she harmed you is what finally tipped her into no contact. I am in Englad, so things may well be different here, but I would guess that having a complaint like that filed against one would maybe effect her job. Also, maybe she has gone NC because she is afraid of what she may do to you harm wise and feels she can't take the risk.

She sounds like someone dealing with many demons.

Thanks Saffie for the reply.

So I saw her yesterday. I was going to go into a store when I realized the might be her car parked outside. As I got back in my car to leave, I saw her. It took everything I had not to go up to her. My heart was beating so fast, I wouldn't have known what to say. It was so frustrating to see my wife. A girl I had known so closely yet am now so far away from. She looked beautiful still. I feel like I was set back 10 steps. I don't know how someone could act like everything was normal when they hurt someone so much. I would treat a person I met once better than she did in a multiyear marriage.

Is it too hopeful to think she will come around? I pray everyday that God will mold her into the woman I once knew who had faults but loved Him and me. More importantly though, I pray for her soul. Being married, the goal is to help each other to heaven. In a way, she has helped me change into the man God wants me to be. I hope that He will do the same for her. Without contact, all I can do is pray.

germ04,

Ive wondered too if mine will come back. She turned into someone else...someone with no heart. My ex has taken huge steps to correct her life but shes too wrapped up trying to fix "something" she doesnt see me anymore.

All we can do is try to find a place where we can take care of ourselves but still love them. Continue to be the best you can be. Keep improving you. Thats all anyone and God asks for. We have NO control over them and the more we try the more we lose. You can let go of her without turning your back. Be an example..someone she WOULD want back. That way if she still walks away YOU will be in a far better place than ever before. I know how hard it is..believe me. I still struggle but really do we have any other choice. Ive been put through the ringer for 5 years. Im not out of the fire but Im looking forward to seeing the finished product.

Hang in there,
Bill

Thanks Bill,
Do you see potential to have your relationship back? Would you still go back? I mean how can you trust her again? Do you think she is logical in the way she left or is suffering a mental disorder... For me, I have to think it is a mental disorder. Who in their right mind would act on bisexual thoughts, posting online for girl relationships, partying late at night, calling "new friends" and even researching being "hired help". Yet I can't shake my faults. My obsession over finances, my frustration with sex, my desire to drink and go out on weekends. The bottom line is I miss her. I want to forgive her. I would pay anything to wake up and have her next to me and start again. She is my wife and I hate divorce almost more than life iteself.