Well the weekend went OK. Friday in the after noon I was a bit worried about the drive down to Toledo because of the long line of thunderstorms headed our way and all the way down. Luckily we missed most of the mess, we had stopped in Flint to eat when we were leaving the resturant the tornado warn horns were sounding off. FIL lives down there so we called to see were the warning was for exactly and it was not where we were or where we were heading so we went on our way.
We did have a good time for the most part, there was a moment Saturday night that I was ready to just walk back to the hotel and pack my stuff and head home, I did not care that it was a two hour drive. For some reason H thinks that he needs to make everybody happy when we go out, but seems to forget about the most important person, ME, or blames for the lack of fun that we are having. A group of six going out to the bar, the majority of us just wanted to go to a bar that we did not have to scream at each other to talk. There were four of us that went out the night before and found that the one place that was a really good time last year was just a complete bust this year. That has been the case for each year so far, we have found a bar that is a great time and plan on going back the next year and its not, different bands, changed atmosphere,etc. Saturday night we started at one bar that was not that far from the hotel, and granted I did not want to go to this place and I don't think anybody else did either but H wanted to go there for some reason. We ordered a round for the table, I had tried to pass on the first round, one because I was still stuffed from dinner and nothing sounded good...even my normal drink rum and coke, but I ended up getting a huricane anyhow. Most had finished thier first drink and the waitress came around to get our order again and I definatly passed this time around and H made me feel like I was doing something wrong by not ordering something. And that is was started the whole evening of misery for me. H told me well you were the one that wanted to come here and nobody else really wanted to go to that bar. Well instead of starting a fight right then and there I kept my mouth shut. I did not want to go the place that we were at the night before because I had three mixed drinks and a shot with red bull, and was not even buzzed. Most places here at home I would not have been able to walk a straight line if I had that many drinks. So at 4.50 a drink I thought why should we go back to that place and waste our money. The other couple thought the same thing, that the drinks were weak and did not really want to go there anyhow. With that said we ended our evening at the bar that we were at the night before with the weak drinks. At this point in the night I had only had two drinks because still nothing sounded good. But it worked out because the other couple that were out with us were drinking bottled stuff so the fact of the weak drinks did not matter.
When we got back to the hotel on Saturday I told H next year when we come down here we are going to bring our own stock of adult beverages and party in the room and not head out to the bars. He seemed to agree with me on that, I don't know if its that we are getting too old or too picky about where we go.
As for the surprise weekend nothing special happened, I did put on one of the teddy's that I had gotten a while back that H forgot about, he was with me when I got them. So that kind of spieced things up. Saturday night I was so stressed there was nothing going to happen that night, so Sunday morning we ML before we got ready to leave for home.
I have to go I have to pcik D up at 4 at school at its 3:55 and school is about 15 mins away, OOPPPSS lost track of time. More later.
H and I had a disussion tonight about money, as you may know that is a big thing with me. Well we need to have a few things done around the house, like FINALLY getting the plumbing fixed, the bathroom redone and some work done outside. Well H has deside that this all needs to be done before mid July when we are having his families 'Christmas in July'. That is what about 2 and a half months away. There is alot of work to be done and a lot of money to be spent. He has been working alot of overtime but we have not been putting any money aside for any of the projects that need to be done with the exception of the plumbing. Now that money is now going to pay for some of the work that needs to be done outside. That is having a bunch of dirt hauled in to fill in the low spots in the yard that in the spring always are very muddy, mostly where the kennel is for the dog.
I don't have a problem with spending the money on these things its the fact that he has known for a while now that all of this has needed to get done and why have we not been able to get the money put aside for the projects is where my problem is. I brought up about how he wants to go to Disney this Chirstmas, have we started to save for that yet, nope. The same thing was thought of last year too, did we go, nope. Now with H not racing most of the summer I was hoping to have our summer back to go on a few vactions well that is not looking like it is happening either, lack of money is what it all boils down to.
It seems like we are just starting to get our heads above water and then he justs want us to drowned. Like with the whole repo truck that the guy bought from us, and skipped town, I was OK with having to pay that off but now on with all of the extra projects I feel that we are back to square one again.
H has a solution to the money problem though, and I still don't agree with him on it and I have never thought it was a good idea, but it is to take yet one more loan out on is 401k plan. I can only imagine how much money he would have in that account if he would never had taken a loan out.
I am just so frustrated with everything again...I am feeling like is this all worth it.
He is not hearing me at all.
He has more or less put the blame back on to me for not having the money to pay for all of this. He has a good way of doing that, all the time. When he sold all of his race car stuff off we had the money then, we paid off a credit card and paid down on another one. And that of course was my idea, and that he knew that all of this other stuff needed to be done and I knew about it all and I should not have wanted to use ALL of the money for that. Well I can prove that it was not ALL used for that just by showing him the bank statment. We used alot of that money to get caught up on and back to current on a bunch of stuff too. He of course never sees it that way. He sees it as I screwed up again, and he never does anything wrong, and he is always right. That is kind of a funny thing, that is one of the things that we have gone over in counciling, that it won't kill him if he is not right all the time. Because that is one of the major things that I have a problem with, and I even came out and said it, He is always right and I am never right.
This is a vicious circle, now isn't it. When he got to the point in the arugement that he has been working all of this over time for what, that was when I stopped fighting, I knew that I had hit a nerve and was not going to get anywhere with it, he was not going to hear what I had to say from that point on anyhow.
The C suggested that we see a fincial planner so we can stop the constant aurgements about money. But I think H thinks that we are going to be fine, but I am looking a bit in the future. We are going to be screwed if he does not have the over time to work and if either of us is off from work for any period of time. I mean my goodness between the two of us we make about 100k a year, that should be enough for a family of three to live on wouldn't you think? I have always thought that we have more than enough to get by with out having the amount of debt that we have. He has baulked at any attempt to cut back on thing for a while to get out of debt, maybe seeing a professional about it will scare him enough to finally see the light.
I would not have a problem with having to get rid of the high speed internet, my cell phone, or even our cable for a couple of years to make sure that we have enough to get our debt paid down. Heck I have even gone as far as to look at getting cheaper cosmetics and that kind of stuff for me for a while. I have stopped getting my hair highlighted and just gone to an all over color which I would easily be able to stop getting done, with out having to cover the color that I am getting done now, I could problably be able to do it at home. So I am not willing to scarifice to get out of the money situation we are in.
When I talked to our C about this he feels that H is addicted to debt. I believe that he is. Think about it, we finally have more than 500 in the bank that he can get to, we are paying everything on time, OK maybe not quite everything. And now he finally wants to get these project rolling. I think that he is scared to have money in the bank, that is something that he is going to have to figure out. I know for me personally I love to have a bank balance and a high one at that. When I was putting money way each pay check to pay for the big D I loved seeing the balance go up everytime I put the money in. I am still putting the same amount away every pay check but now H wants to use that for the projects too, he does not have access to that money my name is the only one on the account. H of course wants me to change that but I don't want him to have access to that account period. I look at it as my rainy day fund that I can spend how I see fit, to a point.
OK I think that I am going to try to get some more sleep now...
We are going to be screwed if he does not have the over time to work and if either of us is off from work for any period of time. I mean my goodness between the two of us we make about 100k a year, that should be enough for a family of three to live on wouldn't you think? I have always thought that we have more than enough to get by with out having the amount of debt that we have.
Racer, The money issues you've described are so similar to ours. We also make good money, and it is difficult to understand why we aren't saving more. We often talk about budgeting, but we have never restrained ourselves on the spending. The past year was rough on the debt piling up. We spent bunches of money motorcycles, counters, TV. All of this on credit. OUCH!! We do have a way to pay it all off in the near future, but the debt has been a point of contention between us. Neither of us has great self control on the spending. It would be nice to just be clear of it all.
Seeing a financial planner is a good idea, but what you need to do is set goals and stick to it. You need to allocate specific amounts from each paycheck to paying off debt or saving and then stick to it. Direct deposit into a savings account is probably a good idea. Overtime is nice but can be problematic. I've seen lots of people become accustomed to that extra pay, but then when it goes away, they find themselves in trouble. I would take all the overtime and put that towards the debt or savings. Set up your budget without relying on the OT.
You see I too at one point did have a problem with spending too much on things that if I would have only waited could have pay for in cash rather than using the credit cards. My balances have been typically going down the only time mine increase is when we are transfering something of his on to mine because of interest. Now we have been paying on them and getting the balances down but when push comes to shove I want to pay more but there just does not seem to be the extra.
Why? H does not want to give up on the things that he has gotten use to, like buying lunch at work rather than taking it, or stopping a getting a pop on the way to work rather than buying bottled and taking it with him. Granted I too have the same habits, but I have been cutting back on the amount of times that I go out for lunch or stop on the way to work to get a pop. These are just a few of the little things that just suck money out of our monthly money that comes in.
Now on to the over time, we can get by with out his over time, so we are not so much dependant on it but on the flip side we are not putting any extra away from the over time. The reason I know that we are good even with out his over time, I actually looked at the money that we need to have going out each month for EVERYTHING even down to our heating costs in the winter. With that factored in we come out with an extra 200 a month, that is even with putting 100 away out of each of my paychecks.(Ok I think last night I was in panic mode and forgot that I did work the numbers out)
I too think that it is a BAD idea to take yet another loan out of his 401k but that is like talking to a brick wall. This morning I asked him if he planned on working until he was 70. Because at the rate that he is saving he will have to work until then in order to have enough money to live on. Right now I know that I don't have enough for the age that I am at. At one point I was on track and then I don't know what happened but I only have about 25K myself. H is at about 35k to 40k together I think we should be well on the way to 200k we are a far cry from that. I beleive that H would be around the 75 to 80 range if he would not continueously take loans out. I know even financial planners say not to take a loan out, that it is not the best move for the long term.
H and I did talk a bit about it this morning, and H nailed it for me at least that money is a BIG problem with me. So I asked him if you know that it is why don't you fix it. When it comes down to it he will say one thing and do another. As for the long term goal, we can talk about it all that we want and nothing ever comes of it. This is a constant struggle between us and until we can come to a comproimise it will alway be a struggle. You see I want to have all of the debt paid off by the time that his next union contract is up, that is in four years. That not be a problem to get them all paid off by then, as long as we don't get further in debt.
H's truck will be paid off next year along with a term loan that we have, so then we are just left with our credit cards. But the problem that I am already seeing is that when we get those paid off we will not take the 'extra' and put more on the other accounts that we owe on. We had a loan at our credit union that has been paid off since November and we have not taken that payment and shifted it to another account. You see if I would take that payment and add it to one of our credit cards we would have that credit card paid off in less than two years I think closer to 18 months.
Now with all of that said, if we do roll the payments that we have been making on all of our debt and keep paying out the same amount each month, I can say with confindence that we can meet the goal that I have to be debt free by the time his new contract rolls around. But as I said H does not even think in the same book as I do on things like this. Now we will still have our house payment and probably a car payment but that we can handle just fine, that will end up being probably about 2k a month, and that would be for a REALLY nice car.
H has been preaching communication...Back to the repo truck sitch... I have been thinking that he has been doing nothing. Well I guess he has been, he has called the lawyer to get the guys girlfriends last name. Which we could just go down to the court house and get a copy of the deed to the house she purchased the house that they were living in. And H also had an address search done with the company that did that for us. Now H thinks that the truck is still here in MI and not where they are living now. So H is driving by the guys dads place after work to see if he can see if it is stored out there. It's kind of funny we need to put a repo order out on our repo truck. So H has been working on it but this morning was the first that I have heard that he was doing anything. RRRRRRR
OK I do feel better now. Sorry both of these posts have been so long but for me to get it out here helps when it comes time to talk to H about it. I have already gotten most of my toughts organized and out. Even though it may not seem like it here. Thanks for reading and any further input.
We talked some more and I guess as I said before I was over reacting to it all, overwhelmed if you would. But it goes back to my need to always have money, I know this. I am always afraid that something will happen and I won't have any, period. It's a personality quirk if you will, H has come to know and not so much love it but takes it because its part of me.
I will say one thing though the last couple of posts really helped me get through some of the things that were going on in my head. Venting, journaling what ever you want to call it, it help me out big time.
Today H and I did some work out in the yard. What a beautiful day mid to high 70's, even got some laundry out on the line to dry outside. This one thing that I know I have not mentioned before but when we first got married it was a 'rule' he did all the outside work and I would do all the inside work. Well that has changed, H and been doing alot of things for me around the house like laundry, dishes etc. So once I got a couple of loads of laundry done I asked if he needed any help. I jumped on the four wheeler and away I went with the detatcher on the back and he started to mow. I was actually fun.
I have to run and get D at the mall, dare I be late again. LOL
Kim, I think Hopeforfuture's suggestion of a financial planner is an excellent idea. Let a 3rd party make the suggestions if he is not hearing them from you. Or, have you tried sitting down with him and showing him everything on paper?
My H and I have been switching up on our usual chores at home, too. It feels to help each other out like that, doesn't it? Except we don't have a 4-wheeler, that does sound like fun. Have a lawn tractor, but SNORE compared to that!
OK It's been a few days sicne I have been on, honestly I have had NO time. Work has been crazy and home is not any better. Lots going on at home, with starting on the bathroom, and plumbing, AND working on getting stuff together for a garage sale the begining of May at my mom and dad's place. So needless to say we are living in a mess right now, but the work I know will be worth it in the end.
On to the sitch...I have not brought up how to pay for all of the work that we are having done for a couple of days. Luckily we were able to get the vanity, vanity top and new drawer fronts and doors at no payments no interest for a year, so we will be able to get that paid off by the time that year rolls around. Plumbing we are just paying labor, the guy that we hired was not able to foot the material costs up front so we paid for all of that. Kind of funny he could have made more off of us by having the materials and us buying from him. We are able to have the dirt hauled in for a couple hundred a load and we have a friend that will come up and do the grading for us, we still have to pay for the time on the machine but all the friend wants is dinner, and I can do that for him. Go to the meat shop and get a couple really nice stakes and all the fixings all set there.
I did have a 'feel sorry for myself' couple of days last week. I was complaining to H that I don't have anybody else to go out with besides him. Granted I do generally have a lot of fun when we go out, but to go out with a couple girl friends would be nice. So this Sunday we were on a bus trip for the union to one of the casinos in Detriot. One of the girls that we ate lunch with mentioned that she was asked to play on a vollyball team and was wondering if I would like to play too. I told her no, because I HATE vollyball, I was not thinking 'hey this would be a great way to get some of those friends that I do dearly want.' H basically kicked me and reminded me of the events over the last couple of days. And I took back my answer and said, I can come an watch you guys, and cheer you on. So I hope that I recovered that one OK and will end up getting a call from her when the games are. The courts are not very far from my place, .
I bet you are now thinking we can go to the casino and I am always complaing about not having money. Well.... H won enough to pay for the plumber and a bit more I hope. So as luck would have it...we are covered. I had no luck but we were still very ahead for the day.
Things are going good at home with H and I but I still think that we need help with communication, so we both understand each other a bit better. We have not been to the C since the last appt, oh I don't know about a month ago or so it could even be longer ago than that. I feel we need to go and work on a few things but H is not seeing it. I have been asking him to see when our next appt is.
But on to other things...first of all I know that what I did, I should not have but I did and there is nothing I can do about it now. I went on to the OM my space page just to see what he has been up to that he posted. Well not a whole lot from what I can see. He did have a blog posted about 'us' and that in hind sight it was a bad move from the start, DUH. I don't know if he put that out there for me to see, granted I deleted my account a long time ago, so if he did put it out there for me to see he knows me better than I thought. Like I said it was a bad thing for me to do but I did it and there is nothing that I can do about it now. It's kind of like wanting to go and kick the crap out of the OP, getting the gratification and then thinking 'what did I want to accomplish there?' It does more harm than good.
H is away until tonight for the FINALLY bowling tournament of the year in Chicago. I thought it was a guy thing and no wives were going but there were a few from what he said last night. We talked a bit when he was done bowling, and I could tell he was in pain. He needs to have a knee replacement done but the Dr. here won't do it on him because he is only 40 almost 41, too young. H thinks that he did something to his ACL because where the pain is, and of course it is on his slide leg so added stress on the knee. He has been taking lots of pain meds to ease the pain some but it is still bothering him, he goes to the Dr. on Tuesday. H figures that Dr. will do another cope and go in and see what if anything more he can do for him. If it is a problem with his ACL Dr. will fix that while he is in there and hopfully that will take care of the pain for right now. I have been pushing H to go see another Dr. there is one in Detroit that was recommened to him by a family memeber but he has not even called to see if it will be an option for him to get into see him. But enough on that...We talked a bit about how he shot and that, he seemed to rush me off the phone with him. But still nothing new there, he is actually not much for words, goes back to the whole communcation thing.
I breifly looked over your stich (I live in a small town, and the internet connection gets weak at times) so I wasn't able to read too much.
You know something...if it wasn't for divorce busters and all my friends on the boards..I may of went and had at least an EA myself...the pain we feel when we find out about the OW is tooo much..and for me, I was sooo lonely, my h was my best friend (still is) and when he left, I felt I lost part of me too. So the DB book and everyone here really kept me on track..but in all actuality I would of found someone to turn too.
Before my h left, I pretty much was in control of everything..It was hard for me to give that up..I was a single mother for years before h and I married..I was use to doing everyting..that too was in part why he left..I was a control freak..but anyways, part of my 180 is to let him run the money this time around, well, that to say has been very difficult to say the least. He used to spend the money so un-wisely, but I kept my mouth shut and would tell him I trust in God, which I do, and by a miricle each month, the bills get paid..and the money came in..I do let my h know that I "trust" him to do what is right for our D and myself. (especially I am the one making the money now, not him) and I really think that he is getting better at spending and he does feel like he is being the "man" now that I have allowed him to do the budget. Don't know if this is helpful for ya, but I just thought I would share it with you.
When my connection is running better I will read your whole stich.
Ok it's been a bit so. I have taken a different look at how things are going in the R with H. Looking at the positive things something I have NOT been doing a whole lot of latly. I will have to list out some things that I have noticed have changed with H for the good.
H will listen to me, he may not always agree with me but I am feeling that he is hearing me now.
H has come around on the debt that we have and he too wants to get it paid off.
H has finally realized that he is part of a bigger unit, meaning family. Before the preception that I had he was all about him and did not give two cents about me or D.
Now on to changes that I think that I have made...
Well first and for most is getting rid of OM, even though the thoughts of him are still there, at times.
Realizing that H is more understanding that I ever though!!!! He truly wants to be there for me in everything.
Working on starting a new circle of friends, and recognizing the opportunities when they arise.
I need to recognize the baby steps and keep going forward.
Also recognize the back slide when they happen and work on that.
Working on PMA and GAL doing that with H and D.
One thing that always amazes me is the fact that no matter how much I think that we are going to come up short for the month we come out smelling like roses. Granted we don't have that much extra but we always get by with everything getting paid. As you may know that is an issue with me is money. I guess I need to learn something from H on this just trust and it will be OK.
I hope that everyone has a good day and keep the postive changes happening in your life too.
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