As a man I'm aware of what you H is going through, yes he is trying to outdo OM and her is tryin in the only way he knows how to and that is to work harder (if you know what I mean). Also there is the feeling that if he puts in the performance of a life time every night he is likely to remove all traces of OM from you mentally and physically.
We men are simple creatures and resond to simple praise during LM, so if he is praised for his gentle skills then he'll respond, if you tell him you like it better when he slows down then he'll respond. As for adding new stuff in I'd hold off on that until H is confident that the LM is all about the two of you and not OM.
Thanks for the responses...It is hard because H has asked me about how the sex was with OM and as most of you know, because of the newness of it it was really good. It was different, and new. I am trying really hard to answer those types of questions in the most gentile way possible. And because he also had an A I try to put him back to where he was when he was having sex with OW. He is getting a bit tired of that because he says this is now and that was then. Which I do understand that point but I am really hoping that he will see that it was not the fact that it was good and the OM was good at it, but that it was different. No two poeple will ML the same way.
I do let him know what he is doing is great and working for me, but the other night H it just did not do it for me, not mind blowing, so he felt slighted. And that is what kind of started this whole discusion on sex with OM, and H feeling not up to par.
H has been doing everything right it seems like and I can do nothing right. I am the one that is not listening to him and not doing the little things for him. So I came right out and asked what he would like me to do for him, everything that he came up with was sexual or that would lead to sex. I asked him to come up with something other than that, that I can do for him. I don't think that he understands that completly either. He calls me at work and gives me a quick little e-mail now and then, and I think that I have gotten flowers more now that I have total in the past 15 years. I should be the one trying to make things up to him not the other way around, LOL.
I'm on the other side of this, my W had the A and shes come back completely different. In all the time I've know W I've tried to be gentle and caring when we ML and she used to lay there not making a sound or moving a muscle. Now after this A I'm finding that what she really wants is a good hard f*** and me to call her a few filthy names.
She may have already had this in her, but her A with OM has brought it out and now she's brought it home to me. How do I feel, well I knida feel I need to live up to or do better than OM, but in all the stuff I've read I know that is not what W would want. She'd want me to do it my way. Think you would agree on that.
So unlike your H I'm not going to ask for details cos I wouldn't want to be left with any feelings of inadequacy. I'm gonna bite the bullet and accept that my W wants me to fulfil her fantasies my way and not try to measure up to OM.
My situation similar. W came back from A not necessarily wanting different things, but definitely being more vocal and adventurous. I looked at this as a welcomed side effect of the A. Yes, it happened which really sucked, but it helps to find something positive from it.
I don't think I've been worried about measuring up to someone else's performance, although I'm sure this is going to vary dramatically for different people and different situations.
Update on a concern that I had perviously mentioned... The deal with my old friend I think is done. I came right out and told H that I don't think that there is any reason for me to try any more with her, she knows where I am and how to get a hold of me. From the interpretation of what H told me about the conversation that he has with her that was the jist of it with her too. But the sad thing, and I am sorry if I left this out the first time, is I was really going to try and get in contact with her before H interfeared with it all. Now if I try to befriend her again it's going to look like I am doing it because H told me too. Maybe H saved me some grief by doing this though, LOL.
You see as for the adventurous side, I too have picked up a few tricks...if you know what I mean. And would REALLY like to do some of it but from what I was like before it would be a real change of pace. Because OM was into some kinky things, he was able to guide my imagination some, H just does not have the side to him. Knowing that if I try something new with H he will obviously jump to the assumtion that OM did that. I know that time is the only thing that will work for H to get through this, but it is hard for me.
I know when I first had thought he was having and A I was in C to work through it. Now we are in C together and I think that is hindering the process that H needs to go through to get over some of the things he has going on. I was able to talk to some one completely nutral, not a well meaning friend or family member, they just want to help you stop hurting. Don't get me wrong I had those too. But the C helped me feel better about me and help me realize that I was not the one who chose to have an A. But she also helped me though the what I did to contribute to his A. I think that H needs to go the C alone too, in addition to the sessions that we have together. I have not brought that up to H yet.
Not sure if I mentioned this before, but the 101 questions that I am getting about the A. My C told me to put a time limit on the how long I will answer the questions. H is driving me nuts with them, asking the same question over and over, and if I don't answer it the exact same way he will ask me why the answer is different. I know some of you don't want to know anything about the OP or what happened during the A, that is fine, but my H wants to know EVERYTHING, down to how many times we has sex. I brought the idea of the time limit up to H and he was not happy with the fact that the questioning would have to come to an end. It has been a month now and granted the number of questions a day are down but I still will get them. There is something that is triggering the questions, H told me sometimes it is a song on the radio or something that I do differently, in everyday life. H is asking me if OM has contacted me, but now it has expanded to any of his friends. Well I bowled last night and ran into one of them out there, and a simple hello was exchanged between his friend and I.
H and I are working hard to get through the this stage. We both could have called it quits but WE have desided to stick things out. I think that is an important thing that I need to keep reminding myself when I get frustrated with him and he with me.
Dear RC, I think I can try to understand where you are coming from even though I never got to a PA. I was very lucky that when I told my H that I did not want to talk about my OM at all....he said that he never had to bring his name up again. That was a blessing! I would go crazy and probably walk out on a stitch like yours. Your H needs to know that he is keeping the OM alive in your mind! Doesn't he get that? No, b/c he is a man and all he can think about is that another man had sex with his wife and he wants to be the champion of the LM! If he had an A, it seems to me he could understand a little more than what he is doing.
Have you tried telling him that everytime he asks you a sex question with your OM that you have to stop and relive that moment in your mind so you can give him the correct answer. You don't feel that that is a healing factor in your MR to constantly be reliving your sex acts with the OM and that you have prefer to consentrate on your H's sex with you rather than try to remember every detail of the sex with OM. Maybe that would get him to thinking about what he is doing. If it doesn't, just come out and say, "Do you want me to constantlty be thinking about all the times I had sex with OM, b/c you are causing me to do that with your presistant questioning"!
I know Michelle says to answer their questions about the A, but I believe there is a line to be drawn at some point b/c he is obsessing over it to the point it is killing your R. He needs to get with the program or he will lose you again. Just my 2 cents worth.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes being the H. I can see how I do have questions but luckily I think like you that my W would probably like to for get about it. (That is if she stopped calling him. I don't know I have not checked).But I have heard what you are saying more than once.
BUT... I have come to the conclusion that if we do not work things out then the OM IS fair game... in more ways than one...
But until that time it is an unspoken known between the three of us.....
DrLOve
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I don't think I've said it more than once but could have....bad habit of mine. However, I had not given it that much thought until I read this stitich that if the LBS just keeps nagging and asking questions without any let up.....you know the WAS has to bring all those memories up again. Why would the LBS want him/her to do that? It is hurting the MR!
Knowing myself like I do, I am sure I would have some problems with the whole idea if I were the LBS and my H had had an A. But, to continue to do so on a regular basis is crazy and you might as well be asking your S to walk away--if you don't get a grip. I remember one lady saying how she had imagined her H and the OW having this wonderful sexy love affair and come to find out it wasn't near what she had imagined in her mind. The reality of it was rather pitiful. So, we are probably our worst ememies thinking about how sex was with our S and the OP. If we could just realize that the LBS is the one that was chosen over the OP. That should tell them something!
I remember when I mentioned that I was having a hard time letting go of the OM, even though I was not contacting him any longer. a poster pointed out to me that it was b/c I was still fantisizing about him. So, to me, it would be the same thing to have to think about the details of your intimate R in order to relay it to your S.
The sooner the WAS can forget the OP and focus on what they have at present with their S.....the sooner the OP will be forgotten and they can move on in a healthier M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
we are probably our worst ememies thinking about how sex was with our S and the OP. If we could just realize that the LBS is the one that was chosen over the OP. That should tell them something!
Sandi,
I don't want to really discuss this but the above statement is true.. IN my case the last person My W has sex with was the OM a year ago.... If I died today that would be it...
I know let go... and I have ... maybe more than I should soon..
Dr Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I can see where you are coming from, having to relive the sexual experiances that I had with OM everytime that H brings it up. I think that may finally work to stop the 101 questions.
As for you having a hard time getting over the OM, it is hard. I guess that is why it took me to see if OM still wanted me back and then finally call it quits with OM. It was a clean brake and nothing was left to question at least for me. I was in a 'funk' for about a week until I finally told H all about the A and what had been going on for a while now, and how at one point I was ready to leave and not look back. I believe that if we did not have a child I think that it would have been gone a long time ago. Now I am not saying that I am stayed because of our D, I know that H is the one for me and I am willing to put the work in to make it work out this time.
Now on to some fun things... This weekend is the first weekend that I am going away without H, even though it is with my SIL, MIL, and another girl friend. We are bowling in a tournament south of Detroit, should be fun, other than the drive down there tonight, UGG. I guess there is some construction on the way down but OH well its one of our two seasons around here, Road Construction and Winter. H was gone last weekend so I was left to my own devices, and was a good girl, did not even go out Saturday night. Normally I would have taken full advantage if H being gone and headed out for a night of fun. Next weekend is H and I's weekend away for the first time in a while. We are going to another bowling tournament out of state. It's kind of nice because of the group of people that we are going with, a bunch from H's work and a couple people that we bowl with on our Monday night leauge.
