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I don't know.... something about the wording smacks of manipulation to me, and your response sounds waaaay too emoitonal. I'd be very careful. Please keep in mind everything in writing has a potential to be used against you in court. I know when I was in divorce I was extremely careful about what I wrote. I felt it was important to keep everything at a VERY emotionless, business-like level. If you have something emotional to convey do it in spoken words in person, not on an answering machine, not on a cell phone. Don't leave a paper trail!!!!

Rather than go into too much detail, if I were in your shoes I'd probably write something like, "I'm sorry this came across as cold. That is not my intention. But for both our records it's important we keep financial details, records and receipts of everything. I truly appreciate your help with this. Please send me a copy of all work and detailed receipts for my records. I will do the same for you. Thank you."

Don't let her engage you in a fight. I think she's trying to do that and you have to keep the business-like tone. She's the one out of control here!!!!

Make sure you keep a copy of all correspondence of this for your records. Including the emotional stuff she's flinging at you. That way, if she does try to set you up for anything you have her correspondence.

Also, the thing about the cash. Tell her you'd like receipts for everything. This is important that you have this information.

>> I was a little surprised she took it so, but she continued to to say to me that she had no intention of "ripping me off" and that I am just too mean and callous and refuse to trust her, blah, blah blah.<<

One more thing.... one thing I've learned is that when a person is guilty of something, that's often when they tend to overreact, blame the other person... and go off on a tirade to deflect what is really going on.....

I wouldn't be surprised if the reason she was acting this way is precisely because she IS trying to rip you off. When someone is very careful about not "ripping another person off" they usually go out of their way to provide data, receipts, etc... so there isn't misunderstanding.

Thanks, again, Root. Once again, you're tight. I just got back from the grocery store, but before I left I wrote a toned down version of my original "rant" email, one more in line with what you suggested.

I still have not sent it yet. But as soon as I got home I had another email from W, before I've even responded to the one this morning. Now I am really alarmed. This is what she wrote:




Several things scream out from this latest. (1) She has said nothing to me until this moment about my father, other than passing one message along from my aunt on this matter. She has said nothing for her own with regards to my dad. Now she comments about it, out of the blue.
(2) Oh, she's jockeying for legal position here alright. I can see her line of thinking clearly now. This is a threat she's making and nothing less.
(3) She continuing to insist on decreasing my custody time with our S's. This is a deal-killer, and is going to force us into court.

And about her rough figures to try to account for the money spent, yes, I think she doth protest too much. I have already asked for copies of receipts and she said I was being anal retentive.

Now she wants to trump up charges against me?

I am sick of this already. I am done with the niceties with her. I am contacting my lawyer on Monday and forking out a retainer. I want nothing more to do with this alien person and will only tolerate strict business with her from now on.

Root, as usual I agree with everything you say!!! I hadn't thought of that but I think you are right. My H always does that, too, and I hate when I fall right into doing that!!! Karen

Nocode,

sorry to hear ya going through all of this. reading your thread makes me wonder why I can't be happy with what I have...

Dr Love

Insist on receipts. Tell her your lawyer needs them.

Ignore her threats, make a paper file of all her correspondence (especially the threatening, nasty stuff) and keep it in a safe place. Do not react to anything she says in spite of how angry you are. The more business-like and cordial you come across in anything written, the better you will look in court. If you can stay reasonable and logical when she's attacking and emotional, you will look better. Ask friends, other parents who observe you, etc.... to write "character letters" describing what type of parent you are, and keep them safe as well.

Continue to be the best parent possible. Keep notes, dates, anything you have noticed that she has been unreasonable, or even potentially harmful as a parent. But be smarter (than her), don't let her know what she's doing that could have a negative impact on the kids or custody. Just document... and be nice.... sickeningly nice so she never suspects a thing....

Dr. Love,
Most people don't appreciate what they have. Oftentimes, it's only when you lose something that it becomes dear.

Scratch the sickeningly sweet... just be cordial. Think of this as a card game. Don't show your cards, and keep the aces hidden.... just in case you need them.

Hopefully you won't.

Root, I am taking your advice and going even further. I am also going to take my own advice to a friend of mine who was recently going through his own tough confrontation with his WAW. I suggested he look into and read Sun Tzu's The Art of War to gain some insight into the strategy of warfare. The basic philosophy is to seek victory with the most efficiency, with a frugality of resources and energy, without even engaging in battle if at all possible. While the context of the written work pertains to ancient warfare tactics in China, the concepts are universal and can apply to many varied fields in life where conflict can occur. (I originally read this ancient text over twenty years ago, as a preparation for the business world.)

I am taking these lessons to heart now in this new arena of conflict. If W wants to wage war, I must take it more seriously.

Several passages suggest deception as a desired practice. Remaining formless to one's opponent will keep them from being able to predict or know the nature of one's attack. If my actions confuse W, I now will see that as good and refrain from trying to clarify things for W. I must keep her guessing or to lull her into complacency.

Hey nocode. I am glad you are writing up these emails but waiting to send them. Very very good for the soul to get everything out, then you can edit as you wish in the future. 48 hour rule is golden, dontcha know?



My only worry about this is when she is confused or angry at you, she isn't complacent by any means. She is downright hostile and hateful and lashes out in the only way that she know will truly hurt you...your sons.

Maybe you can tell her your boundaries: receipts, 1/2 time with sons, etc. But then...this will shock her...ask her what she wants, what will make this more peaceful for her...

Blues,
You are too funny! And wise.....

Hey, the book I bought during divorce was called "Divorce War."