I've been lurking around this board since January. After reading DR and many posts from so many courageous people, I've decided to join in and while my sitch is going OK, I got plenty of work to do yet.
Quick rundown, Me41, W39, D13, S10, M19 years, Separated 8 months now. W was your classic WAW even though I asked her to leave the family home. W took the kids and set themselves up a IL's house.
Come last December & January, we had a torrid legal time and stupid me (before DBing) took the "agree with them" too literally when all she wanted to do was to dispose and divide all of our assets. W never asked for D but was hellbent on a controlled separation. It all ended up with an atty's threat for me to vacate the family home so I ended up in a nice apt, found this board, picked up DB and have been working on myself ever since.
I'd visit the children at our home and they'd be with me at the apt every 2nd weekend. For 6 weeks, it appears I did a pretty good job at DBing. Changed my ways, lost 50lbs in total, new wardrobe, new look and more 180's than you'd see a skateboarding exhibition. The upshot of this, W jumped me one night after we put the kids to bed and told me that she was so attracted to me that she couldn't control herself. W told me that even though we were separated, we could carry on a physical relationship. Not having sex for so long, I agreed though I was uncomfortable about this physical only thing because my ultimate goal was to have a loving, growing and nuturing relationship with her.
Our sex life for the 19 years was predictable, once a month, her on top, missionary and it was all over. I tried to add variety into it and she never responded and prefered the old groove. I accepted this even though I fantasized of a more adventureous sex life between us and because I love her so much, factored this predictability into my ultimate goal.
After the first encounter, W sends me a text message to do it again. I was a little down about this "physical only" thing until I read page 292 of Michele's book DR which gave me the wisdom to keep going. I also picked up off the board the Dr Dobson idea were intimacy follows an interval of antagonism, in our case the antagonism was extreme. At first, I looked into her eyes and all I saw was a dead glaze. However, after a months of this, averaging 4 times a week at 3 hours per session, her eyes came to life and W started refering to these times as lovemaking and intimacy, not just sex.
I bought myself some great books on how to be a better lover and improved my style, experimented a little and W has reciprocated very well. While the kids were interstate with my parents, W stayed the night at my apt before we left for a long weekend vacation together. She liked my apt, it has the basics but I never put pictures on the wall and stuff like that because that is a direction I don't want to move on too far down. It's a temporary home and I think W picked up on that.
Our whole R has turned around. What was at first a physical thing turned into a highly emotional thing. I have back slid over the last 2 weeks because my hurt feelings that I have been suppressing for so long, started to surface but I have hammered them back down as I know they will be resolved in time. Last week, she called off her legal hounds as the family home is the last thing to go. We still need to have R talks but I won't initiate them. All I'm concentrating on is being best friends and lovers, hoping that everything else will fall into place. BTW, there are no OP's involved since we first met.
The reason I posted here is twofold. I wanted to share my story with folks out there who have a low desire spouse. My W behaves like a moderate to high desire spouse and I attribute this most to the exterior changes that I've made. Muscles, new hairstyle, cologne, macho-gay fashion and new intimacy skills.
The second reason is to get your advice on where I should be starting my thread? My goals are to continue being best friends and lovers but I know I got complacent and ended up backsliding so I'm taking stock now and have realised the need to journalize. Any help would be much appreciated.
Thanks for reading this. Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Wow! Sounds like maybe your W was not satisfied with your sex life but couldn't tell you. You have become her OM
Well done with the changes to you.
If you are still separated maybe you could try the "We're separated what now" Forum. Or if you feel REALLY optimistic the "Piecing our marriage back together" Forum.
Quoting SuitedUp: I wanted to share my story with folks out there who have a low desire spouse. My W behaves like a moderate to high desire spouse and I attribute this most to the exterior changes that I've made. Muscles, new hairstyle, cologne, macho-gay fashion and new intimacy skills.
I wish my exterior changes would work on my H the way yours have worked on your W. I have lost 15 lbs and I would say I look better than I ever did since we got married. Maybe I need to work on the intimacy skills. I wouldn't dare initiate anything right now for fear of being rejected.
I agree with Yanni as to where you could try posting.
I'm just curious what "macho-gay" fashion is? Does that mean you dress like one of The Village People? Perhaps adopting this style could help my sitch!
As far as where to post..."newcomers" gets the most traffic. That might be a good place to start.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
Thanks everyone for your advice regarding where I should post. I think I'll hold off from posting as I am spending too much time here and each time it's affects my PMA.
Rob, couldn't help laughing about your question regarding the Village People. No it's nothing like that and it's not feather boa's, tight lycra boxers & construction helments. It's like the stuff on Kleptomaniac
I was your typical right wing Christian homophobe and W works in the government where they seem to provide these folks with refuge and has always admired them for the way they look after themselves. They also seem to be her hairstylists no matter where she goes.
It was a huge 180 for me to even look into their lifestyle let alone being willing to understand them. W got all concerned that maybe I was going to turn that way. What I learnt from them was self confidence, how to groom/present/look-after yourself and detachment. After a whle, I was able to watch Queer as Folk on TV without getting sick. Helped my DBing like you wouldn't believe.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Sir Ziff, putting a smile on your dial means alot to me. I was uncomfortable listing my sitch here in case folks thought I'd taken the 180 thing too far. But like they say, do whatever is working and if someone gets an idea from it, all the better. Your little post has made a bright day out of an otherwise gloomy one. Thanks. Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Don't stop posting!!! You're an incredible inspiration around here. What is happening in your life makes perfect sense to me and it fits perfectly with everything I think and write. So, I'm glad you posted here and I am going to put your post on the newcomer's thread for inspiration. It's good for people to know that it's not over until it's over. And for you, my friend, your marriage is far from over. Good work! I can tell you've worked very hard to get to the point you're at with your wife.
I'm not surprised at how making love actually "makes love" happen. I always say, if you're depressed, start dancing to great music and try being depressed in the midst of that. The moral of the story is that actions often lead to a change of feelings, even if you're not in the mood when you start. When two people have sex, make love, it's difficult to separate out feelings, especially if you're having physical contact on a regular basis. Feelings of connection are bound to happen over time. So, I'm glad you had the strength to keep going even though the future was uncertain at that time. I'm glad you had the presence of mind to make yourself more attractive without allowing your ego to stand in the way. I'm glad you questioned yourself and looked inward to see how you might change to make yourself more the man your wife wants and needs in her life. Congratulations.
Now, it's important for me to point out that there are lots of folks around here who have made these changes and haven't been so fortunate yet. This is why I must give credit to your wife who somehow managed to keep her heart open to see the transformation in you. She must be a pretty special lady. We all hope and pray that the spouses of DB'ers come around just like your wife.
I suggest that you just keep doing what you're doing because it's working. At some point in the future, you both might consider going to a DB therapist if there is one in your area. If not, you can certainly call our office for a coaching session or two. YOu can even do a session with you and your wife on the phone! Just a thought.
But for now, just review all the good things you've been doing and keep doing them. You're on a roll. Keep rolling. Michele
Just wanted to thank you for your comments! I think progress is continuing. Just when I wanted to stop all the intimacy......looks like he still cares.
