Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Please help me! Wife wants out! (5)

Hey Steve,

Regarding flirting, I have had some success with kind of “jacking” with her and calling her out on her BS. I think you know about my W’s tattoo. I saw her out the other night and we did what is sort of our now friendly hug hello. I gave her a mischievous grin and said “You clean up good. Too bad I don’t talk to girls with tattoos.” She made a face like she was shocked but was laughing. I took that as a good sign so I pressed. “I’m just kiddin’… it’s dirty; I like it!” More mock-shocked and laughing. Small but positive; baby steps.

I agree with Sandi that asking for affection or overtly signaling that you want it smacks of dependent behavior. Surely when you first met there was some sort of flirting going on. Be that guy. That’s the guy she fell in love with. I like Sandi’s reference to Rhett Butler. It is well documented that he didn’t give a damn. Humphrey Bogart was another. Think in Casablanca. He was completely tore up over Ingrid Bergman, but he always played it cool in front of her.

You’re doing good buddy. Almost there.

Whoops, double post.

Hi Sandi, one light,

The kisses on the cheek seem to be standard now. I gave her one when she came home. Then I turned my cheek, as if to recieve one.. 2 seconds nothing... so I went back to the kitchen. She said come here, I said no, of you want to kiss me then you will but I am definately not going to beg for one. So she came up to me and kissed my check. Possibly asking, but I am beyond thinking about that today.

I hope so, but...
Bit strange for me now. If she wants to kiss someone else or whatever, then fine that is what she chooses to do with her life. But the life inside her is half me. So I really dont want anyone else to touch it. Especailly OM (with regards to the whole paternity aspect), I dont have any idea what W might have said to him or his feeling about it. I get the feeling that he is still very attached to W though.

Cheers

Steve

Patience, young padawan.

I do believe that you will get that kiss, but won't it mean a hell of a lot more to you if it is given because SHE wants to do it rather than because YOU pressured her into it?

Exactly Rob, oh jedi master!

I said to W about my feelings about other men touching the bump, that it is mine and I am uncomfortable with other men touching it. Other women I cant really complain about. But it is not really a man thing to do (I would never dream of touching a womans pregnant stomach, unless it was my W or a relative). I thought about this, because I thought it would take me close to the line. But it was something that I felt strongly about, so I said something. She said ok, didnt respond negativly, think she understands my point. Whether or not she goes along with it or not I dont know (out of sight out of mind).
No pressure for a kiss tonight. I did ask if I was getting another night in `our` bed or should I return back to the `other` room (I dont like to call them `your` room and `my` room). She said that she wanted to sleep tight and would prefer to go to sleep alone, but after she gets up during the night (we are like clockwork... so young too, its sad! :)) I can get back into bed with her. She then said that whenever I want, just go and get into the bed. I joked saying that she just needs to get back used to me gradually, maybe in a couple of weeks I can spend a whole night. She laughed. She said she is trying. I reassured her that her pace is fine.
I am very concious at the moment to not appear needy, even though I have to say I do feel that way at times.

Anyway, just finished watching the Liverpool game, another classic night at Anfield! If we end up facing Man U in the final, I will have to meet up with Lanzo!

I am listening to alot of David Deida stuff during the days, especially in the afternnons before I finish, as it puts me a good mindset for seeing W. I hope to be able to do some of his exercises with her one day.

W was missing Japanese food again today. We reminised about living in Japan for a while. I think that this will come about.

I just need to find my patience again. Me and W are starting to spend more time together again. Quality time, no fighting or `discussing`. Just fun. That is good. Might try to inject a little romance soon. I used to be sooo romantic when we were dating. As I worked in a school, I had access to lots of craft supplies, so I would often make cards for her. Got quite good. Thinking about going and buying some supplies and trying again (not in a pressuring way) just fun cards. I wanted to send something to her office occasionally.
Please dont think I am getting too ahead of myself, I will only go as fast as I see W is willing to accept. I have come to far to mess this up now.
W was worried today, she hadnt felt the baby kick today. But she had felt stressed at work, so I told her that I had read that the baby will be affected by different moods. She will learn how the baby reacts in time. Saffie, Ladies? Is this right?
W also bought me some childrens books to read to the baby, and I think she will let me read to the bump too. I am allowed to kiss the bump by the way, that is no problem!

Feeling good, was not so good during the day. But I am getting much better at controlling myself.

I think I wont be having a midlife crisis now, as I have had to do alot of self searching now! Might just get the sports car anyway!

Cheers

Steve

PS my W stopped emailing with OM (partly because her laptop was so slow). We speeded up her laptop tonight. Curious to see what happens....

Steve,

(Disclaimer: it's nearly midnight and I've had a drink)

However, some of your actions are making me chuckle cos the asking for kisses, the bed hopping, the wanting to make gifts etc, etc. is all pursue, pursue persue, you don't need to do it. Steve from where I and all your friends stand you just need big, buff, slim waisted, confident Steve and W will love you for it. Honestly you do not need to push anything at all cos W is slowly gravitating towards you. Patience man that all that is needed now.

Where I would back you up though is no man touches the bump !!! End of story.



Definitely not cos it might kick off between us.

Lanzo

Thank Lan,

Bed Hopping lol. I went in last night as well. W didnt sleep well (neither did I as I was awake bit worried about her). So she was a tad grumpy this morning!lol. Said she couldnt sleep after she went to the toilet (when I joined her), as she had back ache, and was worried because the baby wasnt moving much. Also as she has slept alone for 4 months, she is not used to another body in the bed she says. Used to being able to stretch out. I can understand that. I sleep in the middle of `my` bed. Anyway I beat her to the punch, and said I thought she should have a couple of nights alone, so that she can catch up on sleep. I have laid some building blocks there. Can be like a welsh labourer now and come back to continue building in a couple of weeks.

I am getting better at diffusing potential landmines. As I said she was grumpy, but I changed the subject, went to do my jobs, and 5 minutes later she was back to being nice.
It seems some of the stuff I have read is going in.

Gravitating... I like that. Cant help the pull of Steve.

Sandi, you recommended the website `makeherhappy` to me, I do like it. I bought his book. Wondered if you had read it, had any opinions.

Thanks Lan, was wondering if I was being natural here or a bit `weird`. I dont think it right.

Is that fear of losing I detect??

Cheers

Steve

I'm not sure what you meant by being beyond thinking about that today. But I wish you could see how the sounds to somebody else reading that statement. It sounds like a child Steve. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is true. You wanted her to kiss you on your cheek (setting yourself up for disappointment...again) and when she didn't you repsonded like a kid. DON'T TURN YOUR CHEEK TO HER FOR A KISS! That is the same as asking her for a kiss....can't you see that? It is a turn-off to her. When she did not respond, that should have told you immediately how she felt, but you acted all hurt and said what you did. Then she had to treat you like you were her little boy instead of her man. Noice when she told you to "come here". That is the way a mother would talk to a little boy. What she should have done is walk up to you and give you a kiss on the cheek (if she wanted to kiss you....but not b/c you reacted like you did). Why didn't you just try to brush it off and quickly get busy with something or go into the other room "pretending" to be doing something? I'll tell you why....because you are still hung up on the kissing!! Get over it! I know you think you are going to die if you don't receive some affection soon....but trust me, you won't!

I know you are really trying hard and apparently all of this must be very foreign to your nature b/c it just seems to creep into things even when you think you are not pursuing or showing yourself to be needy. This is one of those times I wish I could reach through the computer and shake you and tell you to GET OVER THE KISSING STUFF! You are hung up on it man! Wait for her to make those steps.

You did good at bedtime by not asking for a good-night kiss, but on the otherhand, you asked her about where you should sleep.



That is still making yourself appear like a little needy boy waiting for his mother to tell him what to do. Just keep going to the other bed until she tells you to stop going to the other room and stay with her. If she does not say that she wants it to be from now on, don't ask, just go with the flow. It's hard to know how to handle this, (due to her pregnancy), but I think I would not say anything but act "as if" and just go to her bed without saying anything. Trust me, if she doesn't want you there, she will let you know. Be prepared, Steve. Have your emotions ready and prepared for the possibility that she may have those times that she does not want you or anyone to sleep next to her right then. If you are emotionally prepared, then you will not respond in a childlike manner. That is what I mean by telling you to stop setting yourself up for disappointment. BTW, don't ask her if you can cuddle or if she needs to be held or anything like that. If she does....she will let you know by either making the first move to lay closer to you or else tell you that she would like to be held. DO NOT TAKE IT AN INCH FURTHER! It will be hard, due to your lack of sex now, but you have got to take this very, very slowly or you will lose all the ground you have gained. Once you get back in her bed....you are on eggshells my friend. So, let her do all the pursuing. Did you hear that sweetie? You are available to her by just being in her bed....ok? But don't get all giddy and think things are going to get all touchy-touchy. Depending on her mood swing, it may or may not....but remember the "golden rule" here....have your emotions prepared and don't set yourself up for disappointment.

Don't get me wrong sweetie, you are doing good, but I point these things out to you b/c I want you to hear it from a woman's POV. Also, you still have not gotten enough of a life for yourself. (Unless you are not telling it all.) Your W is on your mind 24/7 (which is understandable)but, you don't do enough for Steve! Do you have any hobbies or sports or activities that you like? Do you like to spend time in a library? Do something, but get your (now somewhat skinny) butt out of that house and do something for yourself.

I admire the way you have made this all about her...in some ways.....simply b/c she is pregnant and b/c you seemed to be such a loving and caring person. You want that baby so much! But GAL is an area that you are lacking, Steve, and it is needed to help round out your personality. If you would GAL, it will help you to not appear so needy and won't act as if you are hoovering over her, waiting for her to crook her finger for you to come running for whatever she may want you to do for her at that precise moment. Don't get me wrong here.....stay balanced and don't over-kill, b/c the two of you need to have time together, but I think she still needs a certain amount of space b/c it is obvious that she is not ready for the intimacy yet. Remember, you want to be just a little bit unavailable and have a hint of mystery about yourself. I say a hint b/c with her being pregnant, you certainly don't want her to think you are seeing another woman! I sure hope you are understanding what I'm trying to communicate. I get concerned sometimes that I must not be a very good communicator...(lol) b/c of some things other people have thought I meant.

You have lost weight....a lot of weight, so I bet you could go clothes shopping. Try the clothes on in the store and ask the clerk if they saw you wearing that....would it look like it went with the rest of you. She/he knows what you mean by that. Haven't you passed by people that were dressed in some fashion that just didn't look as though it went with the rest of their look? You want it all to go together.....the style of your hair....down to the type shoes you wear. Don't get some clerk that would say that anything would look good just to make a sale, but somebody that would really be of help. If you have a male friend or female relative that would go with you.....that would even be better.....if he/she has taste in clothes! You want to look sharp and hot with that new body of yours! Maybe break away from the usual style and get something that is more fashionable for men (not that you aren't fashionable.....I don't know that, I am just suggestings something different.)

It sounds like maybe you did go to some sports game, or did you watch it on TV? And, I assume that you are still working out at the gym, and that is great! That is all part of GAL.

I know you get sick and tired of hearing all of us saying "baby steps" over and over.....but that truly is the secret. I would wait until I saw more positive signs from your W before I started sending the special crafty things. I know you mean well, and if it were under the right circumstances.....it would be precious....but this stitch is not the normal, so you have to be very careful what you do and don't do.

I say all these things to you b/c I am hoping that some day in the future, the two of you will be expecting another baby and you can do all the things that your big hearted nature wants to do for her now. Hopefully though, you will learn some life-changing habits so it will not discontinue the minute you think everything is normal again. B/c if you go back to the "needy/clingy" ways that shows weakness.....it will be trouble again.

Just take an hour at a time, sweetie, and do the best you can. We all mess up.....believe me! If a person will learn for his/her mistakes....then that is a smart person indeed, but when they don't learn and keep making the same mistakes over and over again....that person is not very wise at all. Hummmm....that sound pretty good...like it should be written down somewhere...lol. I think you are working hard to change and I believe you are learning from your mistakes. It is just so different for you and that is why we have to get that 2x4 out once in a while...lol. But, it's b/c we care about you so much.

Have a good day and take care.

Sandi

Well said, Sandi!

Sandi, message recieved, over and out!

I really really get what you are telling me. You also have pointed out that you know this part is hard for me. I will stop fixating on receiving THAT kiss!
We are going away to my granparents `place in the sun` for 5 days at the start of May. So I hope to be able to relax with her.
Relaxing is the key for me now.

I have learned alot of lessons. I will never go back to being clingy ever again. Not in me I think, dont really know what came over me now.

It does seem to be a bit counter productive to let her persue me, when it seems she doesnt want me, but I will try it for a while. Wont hurt!

Anyway, thank you for spending the time to write such a loooong post! I really appreciate it, and I am sure it will help others too.
You have a knoack for putting things in a very easily understood way.

Speak soon

Steve