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Grace, I looked up the definition of martyr and this is what it said :a person who sacrifices something of great value and especially life itself for the sake of principle.

So, friend, I am trying to figure out why you feel you are being a martyr and the only thing I could figure out is that maybe you feel that you are going NC to prove a point. And from what I have read about you, that just isnt possible.

You are a strong, wise, caring woman. If you decided that going NC was what you had to do, I know that it is because you felt that it is the best course of action at this time. I know that you did not rush into this decision and that you would not do this just to prove a point.

Grace, this is all so difficult for all of us. Dont beat yourself up for trying to do the best you can, for trying to survive and stay the course in the best way you know how.

Hi Grace,

I have to agree with the opinions you are getting from others on this. There is a lot of pain, sadness, and sacrifice. But, we are all making choices to take a stand, so we are responsible for that end of things at least. Just because we do so doesn't mean it's going to feel good though. I think you have been very giving in spirit and working hard at taking care of yourself in a prolonged and difficult situation. To me, that's not martyrdom. I think it would be inhuman to not feel frustrated, sad, and want to complain sometimes given the circumstances! In my mind, that's grieving, dealing with trauma, and trying to heal through incredibly trying times.

Purr

Hi Grace-
I am not sure I can add anything to what everyone else has said...partly because I am not really sure I am following what you are asking.
First thing that comes to mind would be that you are angry and you don't want to be...but what do I know?

I'm assume you are talking about being embarrassed and ashamed of things you did during your M...if that is the case, we all should be embarrassed and ashamed...I don't need to tell you that no one is perfect...and our WAS spouses should be 1000 times more times more embarrassed and ashamed.

Grace, these last several weeks have had to be hard on you. Please don't beat yourself up...you don't deserve it. You are a wonderful, strong, caring insightful person that has so much to offer to so many. Please don't doubt yourself.

<3
Upside

"Grace, these last several weeks have had to be hard on you. Please don't beat yourself up...you don't deserve it. You are a wonderful, strong, caring insightful person that has so much to offer to so many. Please don't doubt yourself."

Dead on Grace. You are wonderful.

HI Grace;

It's Treese....sorry I've been absent so to speak....I'm hardly anyone who should be giving advice....my sitch is awful....
did I miss something in your sitch that happened.....

Treese

Ditto!
How do you mean you feel like a martyr by doing NC? I feel like a doormat--or some version of that--by letting my H sleep in my bed without touching me and stuff like that, but NC seems like a self-respecting act, just the opposite of letting H eat cake.

Thank you all for your encouragement, kind words and insight. What I am trying to understand is my motivation and what the pay off is (both negative and positive) for my actions including NC. Sometimes that is easier to do when folks (as generous as all of you) are willing to share what and why they did certain things.

On the one hand I don’t think I am using my sitch to garner sympathy (a martyr can make a great show of suffering for this reason), on the other hand if it were to get me some (sympathy) from H I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t take it. Would I like to provoke a reaction? Yes and no, which is one of the reasons I think NC is in my best interest. I need to understand my thoughts and motivations and I’m struggling with this.

I’d rather hear that I’m doing well than poor you, even though I feel like a fraud. What I present as opposed to how I feel can be two completely different things. I’m convinced that my positive actions and speech will turn the negative in a positive direction. I just really have to watch my internal dialogue and I get so tired on monitoring that and working at keeping an internal reference for my own validation. When I feel sorry for myself (and yes, sometimes I do), I’m pretty good about doing something (usually physical) to make me feel better. Coming out of NC will have to occur on limited occasion’s b/c of D’s (events where we will all be there). Fortunately, there won’t be too many of these. I do feel like I’m withholding and being pretty selfish about it. This is hard for me.

We need to co-parent our kids and right now, I have them except when he comes (here to the house) to visit them on Sunday’s. The last couple of weeks I’ve just been gone when he gets here and I don’t come home until he’s gone. No, I’m not skulking out down the block. I make plans and execute them. I’m concerned how D’s may start to see this (complete avoidance of their Dad on my part) and I’ll probably modify this to some extent. Something like waiting until he gets here to leave and coming back before he leaves. Right now, I don’t really want to see or talk to him (yes, I am angry to some extent), it hurts and I don’t want or need anymore of that.

Perhaps if I meditate some more on all of this I will get some clarity. I could use some….or a match, it’s dark in here. Like my D15 says “Of course I’m out of my mind…..it’s scary in there.”

Thanks everybody

This is exactly what I'm facing as my H talks more and more about needing to move out. I think it's OK to set boundaries for yourself. The kids come first, but the mom's comfort level is a BIG part of what's best for them IMO. The WAHs are the ones who want to just be friends and keep everything but the M mostly the same. For me, it's a package deal--if he wants out of the M, then he is no longer a resident of our house, period. I can foresee a time in the future when the anger has subsided and perhaps the notion of friendship could be entertained, but I'm not there yet.

But I digress... sorry. Grace, you have a good head on your shoulders and you seem to have risen above it all in many ways. It's NORMAL to feel conflicted about this stuff and healthy, I think, to put yourself first once in a while.

I don't know that I'll ever be there, angry or not. Another conundrum I have is that I don't see him as a friend. Friends talk to you at least fairly easily (we're not even talking big stuff here) and you can call them to either talk about stuff, just catch up or b/c you need a favor.

We (obviously) have communication problems, but getting more than three words in response to something (more likely to be one) has been like pulling teeth. I can banter on and I get little to nothing. I get quiet, I get little to nothing. I'm fortunate in that he does put money in the bank for us. Truth be told though, if he didn't I'd just go to plan B, C, D etc. I would not call him about it. He is not someone I would ever call for a favor and it's b/c he has such difficulty talking about anything to me. This isn't to say it's his fault. Clearly, I've shut down here. I just don't know what, if anything, I should do about it.

Dang Ginger, if you need some clarity, then I am totally screwed.

You are doing really good Sugar. I love that you still keep working on you. A work in progress, is a beautiful thing.

Thanks for teaching me too.

And do you really meditate, for long periods? I am to hyper and then instead of trying to concentrate, I am like i have so much laundry to do I can't sit here and think.

Gonna have to teach me your methods.

Have a great week lovey